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BAD BIRTHDAYS

THE TRUTH BEHIND YOUR CRAPPY SUN SIGN

Hampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc.

ADVERSE ARIES

MARCH 20 TO APRIL 19

Aries is the boss of it all, or at least the Ram's strut makes it clear that he or she thinks they own the joint. What is it about Aries that makes them so confident? Is it their natural-born intellect—um, yeah, no, not so much. Aries, just like the powerful, muscular man-sheep that represents them in the cosmic zodiac, have way more brawn than brains. Their handy horns and blind, dumb ambition open doors for them that they could otherwise never have figured out how to work. Aries will just keep at it, battering down obstacles—left, right, and center—until they meet their goals.

It's not that Aries are sociopaths or anything like that, it's just that they really don't care about other people very deeply. They can still operate within a family unit, and show up to birthday parties and ballet recitals, but the only real charge they get is from locking horns with the world and getting their destiny on track. They want to climb every mountain, ford every stream, find every rainbow ... you get the picture. Arians need to find their own way in the world and deeply resent anyone who tries to make things easier for them. If there's a choice between a clear-cut hiking trail and a wooded-over, lesser-traveled path, it's pretty damn obvious which one the Aries is going to take.

Aries, you don't tolerate any social funny-business. If someone uses the word "can't" you might literally lose your mind. You rarely put something off, but when you do, it's because you're calculating your plan of attack. When other people put something off, it's because they're complete lazy-asses—and you'll tell them that to their face. You don't have a problem playing the "bad guy" and laying down the law. It seems as though you would not be invited to happy hour very often, but for some reason people like to have you around. Your swagger makes everyone else feel just a tad cooler. Don't be too flattered, though. They all talk about you behind your back.

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADVERSE ARIES

The best thing you can do to pique an Arian's interest is to act like you're not interested. That's basically the cardinal rule for interacting with an Aries. They love the chase and if you offer yourself up on a silver platter, they will immediately become disinterested. Aries will absolutely let you know exactly how he or she feels about you when the time is right—they are not shy with expressing their feelings and intentions. You have to treat an Aries like a fish on a hook once you capture their interest, letting the line out a little bit and then drawing it back in, then out again, then in again ... and then they'll be fully hooked.

Unfortunately, keeping an Aries on the hook once you've caught him or her is a highly physical and exhausting proposition. Aries needs the flames of passion to be consistently blazing—so try to keep things fun, exciting, and adventurous. Otherwise, an Aries may promptly lose interest and seek the heat elsewhere. Loving an Aries is like loving an erupting volcano. You're almost certain that you'll be burned—it's practically a statistical certainty—but it's so thrilling that you have to at least try.

Aries is very competitive, and sees his or her romantic partner as a possession, a prize to be won or lost. If you want to rendezvous with an Aries, you should look the part of a trophy date—nothing will make the Ram prouder than strutting around with a hottie on his or her arm. Conversely, if you aren't at your smokin' hottest, don't expect Aries to roll out the red carpet for you. They will notice when you bring it, and when you'd prefer to be at home in front of the television wearing sweats. Aries is more terrified than other signs of growing old and irrelevant, so if their date admits they'd prefer to be at home watching Netflix, Aries might panic, run out for the evening, and find somebody new to tickle their fancy.

CHECKLIST FOR DATING AN ADVERSE ARIES

You'll need at least half of these things to have a successful relationship with an Adverse Aries.

Sex appeal: Just remember, if it weren't for the promise of regular intimacy and sexual intercourse, Aries would just stay single for ever. In Aries's mind, his or her lover needs to fulfill their part of the bargain by looking—and acting—like their sexual fantasy.

Thick skin: Arians say what's on their mind. They don't sugar-coat it, they don't cushion it, and they certainly don't hold back ... and that's when they're in a good mood. When they fall into a bad temper, you really need to toughen up. You have to be able to take what they dish out without falling apart, or they will lose their respect for you.

Affection: More than just hooking up, Aries needs to feel like they are important to you. If you find ways to show your affection and appreciation, like surprising him or her with flowers or some light poetry action, Aries will really value your efforts. Just don't err on the side of cheesiness, or Aries will suspect that you're just putting on an act.

Truth: Do not lie to an Aries. Aries will always tell you the truth, and if he or she finds out that you've lied ... you're toast. Don't even try to stretch the truth. Don't omit the important facts. Just come to the table naked and honest and be who you really are. Aries will admire that. They may not want to date the "real" you, but they'll at least respect you.

A backbone: Your Aries will argue, insist, and even manipulate to get his or her way. Don't give in. Respect is a cornerstone to a successful relationship with a Ram, and if you are constantly bowing to his or her demands, you'll seem very weak. If you need to, practice saying, "No. Not this time," in the mirror until you're ready to actually try it out on your Aries partner.

Loose reins: Whatever you do, don't try to control Aries. It won't go over well at all. Aries needs to be free and independent to make their own choices, and if you come between them and their passions, you will be the one to get burned.

ADVERSE ARIES COMPATIBILITY

ARIES AND ARIES LOVE

Two Aries together basically makes life a giant competition. Who will be the most romantic? Who will be the dominant lover? Who will be the loser who has to do the dishes? Who will make the most money? Your entire relationship will be spent jockeying for power in every aspect of your life.

ARIES AND TAURUS LOVE

Aries will appreciate Taurus's strength and conviction, and the Ram and Bull will be able to resolve their conflicts when they butt horns. Taurus will slow Aries down and Aries will liven Taurus up. The two will enjoy each other's company in the bedroom and the rest is all details, right?

ARIES AND GEMINI LOVE

After an introductory stage—during which Gemini will overthink and second-guess whether or not dating the passionate, demanding Aries is a good idea—these two will settle into a routine that primarily involves going out to show off and then coming home to connect intimately. Both will be completely satisfied with this routine.

ARIES AND CANCER LOVE

Cancer doesn't mean to be weak, but their natural sensitivity makes Aries want to put on his or her armor and come to the rescue. However, this imbalance of power in the relationship will make Aries resent Cancer, and Cancer will never really feel secure with an Aries for a mate.

ARIES AND LEO LOVE

These lovers bring out the best in each other. Aries is strong enough to be able to encourage Leo's swelling ego, and Leo is hot enough to match Aries's brightly burning flame. The only downside is that their super-hot sensuality comes across as über-obnoxious to their friends and family, and this couple may get the hose turned on them from time to time.

ARIES AND VIRGO LOVE

The more Aries looks at Virgo, the more his or her attraction fades away. Sad, but true. Even if Virgo is a good physical match, their desire to spray everything with Fabreeze and disinfectant is so sexually diminishing that Aries just has to walk away.

ARIES AND LIBRA LOVE

Libra treats Aries like a bedraggled orphan taken off the streets in a novel by Dickens. A love affair can begin as Libra is metaphorically combing the tangles out of the wild Aries's hair and dressing him or her in clean and respectable clothing. Once Libra falls for Aries, the couple has a great chance of survival despite the harshness of the outside world.

ARIES AND SCORPIO LOVE

Flip a coin. Heads, you go to bed together and enter into what is definitely going to be the most gratifying and tumultuous relationship you've ever had; tails, you respectfully part ways and get on with your life. The odds of the coin flip are about the same as the odds of the relationship working, so this is really the only good way to figure it out.

ARIES AND SAGITTARIUS LOVE

An Aries and Sagittarius union is fun and exciting. This couple can have a wonderful time without needing to have "the talk" to define their relationship for a very long time, but eventually the Ram will want to make sure the Centaur isn't shooting out arrows all over town.

ARIES AND CAPRICORN LOVE

The best example of how two signs' fatal flaws will clash. If they actually make it through the trip it will be a miracle, and when they get home and unpack their furniture, things will come to a head. Capricorn will insist that there's a set of instructions in there for a reason, while Aries will be confident in his or her ability to find a better way to construct the furniture.

ARIES AND AQUARIUS LOVE

But what does it all mean, man? Aries and Aquarius will welcome one another's assertions about the cosmos, the meaning of life, the true nature of love, and all sorts of other lines of philosophical inquiry. Their downfall as a couple will come about because they want to constantly get one up on each other ... they should check in with themselves to see just how friendly their friendly competitions are.

ARIES AND PISCES LOVE

Pisceans keeps trying to get to know the real Aries, way down deep inside. Aries is like, "Sorry, this is it." Pisces doesn't understand that Aries puts everything out on the table and holds nothing back—there are rarely deep, dark secrets that need to be excavated.

CAREER AND MONEY FOR ADVERSE ARIES

Aries's competitiveness can be put to great use in the workplace! If you can channel the aggressive attitude of a Ram, they can do an astounding amount of work. Their high energy keeps them going long after others need to recharge their batteries, and they are often the first ones through the gate on a new project. They love to be the best at everything they do and will actively seek out ways to produce better results than their colleagues. Aries are generally the people who come into work whistling, a full half-hour early, just to get an edge on their coworkers. Each day is a new arena and they can't wait to spill blood and be crowned the victor.

Aries is zealous about knowing the state of the state. He or she will subscribe to industry-specific publications, read up on competitors' blogs, and may be the only ones who read those company-wide newsletters. They consume all this information to get an idea of the Big Picture and ways to improve themselves—in order to be stronger. They also read national publications, listen to public radio, and can tell you exactly what's going on in the nation and the world. They are knowledgeable and may even evolve into downright, smug little know-it-alls, but they will take the time to share their information with others on their team.

Aries is a smart, efficient delegator and really likes to be the one who gives out the orders. No one else in the zodiac takes more pleasure from having subordinates to boss around. Conversely, Aries can be uncomfortable if they find themselves getting too much input from their boss, and need to be recognized as the strategic genius they believe themselves to be. If an Aries is unhappy and mistreated in the workplace, they might actively sabotage projects. Their temper and need for control and independence can get the better of them, particularly when they're very young and/or of a particularly low IQ. They can get incredibly frustrated with low-performing colleagues, particularly ones who offer up a host of excuses about why the job isn't done. To Aries, anyone who says they need time to think something through is ultimately just being lazy. And then, for some reason, people think it's rude when Aries tells them to their face that they are lazy, and so quarrels in the workplace may follow an Aries from job to job.

ABSOLUTE WORST JOBS FOR AN ADVERSE ARIES

Outgoing Call Center Employee: This job would bore anyone, but it may drive an Aries to stick pencils into his or her eyes. Ironically, they might actually be quite good at convincing people to buy whatever it is they're selling, but the repetitiveness and the sitting down for eight hours, and that stupid little bell that the boss makes you ring when you get a sale—it would all just be too much for a proud, energy-filled Aries.

Scientist: Aries aren't always very bright, and they're almost never detail-oriented. They could very likely wreck a carefully designed study by their lack of attention. Aries tend to multitask, and their inability to focus on what's right in front of them might literally make their project blow up in their face.

Politician: The problem with an Arian politician is that Rams simply don't lie well. For a politician to be successful, he or she needs to be able to spin the truth in order to capture the most votes. Rarely will an Aries be able to force him- or herself to pander to the population and lower him- or herself to tell an untruth. In the end, if they do lie, they will do it so poorly that they will lose the votes anyway.

JOBS THAT AN ADVERSE ARIES MIGHT NOT SCREW UP

Military Surgeon: Military surgeons have to think fast. They have to be resourceful and precise, and the stakes are very high: it's life or death. This type of professional intensity brings out the best in Aries, and though their survival rates may not be the highest out there—hey, they will sure have a great time doing it.

Small Business Owner: Aries loves to be the boss, and being a small business owner puts him or her in the driver's seat. They have smart ideas and good timing—they know how to strike while the iron's hot. They can juggle the different aspects of small business ownership and the pressure of doing everything themselves will bring out the diamond in an Aries.

Advertising Sales: Picture Aries in a lovely business suit, entertaining clients at a fancy restaurant, wheeling, dealing, and signing big contracts. This type of job is the perfect match for an Aries, and the Ram can easily handle the long hours and tireless work of the industry, and also thrives on the competitive nature of the playing field. Aries also wouldn't mind a job that encouraged drinking with clients and the occasional sexcapade, so it's a win-win all the way around.

STARS OF THE SIGN ADVERSE ARIES

Aries have excelled in nearly every industry; it's challenging to single out the most impressive Rams from the herd. They pepper professional sports both as coaches and as world-class players. Many famous musicians are of this star sign, along with their managers and agents in the music industry. The list of Arian entrepreneurs is perhaps the most impressive. The inventor of the M&M and other delicious candies, Forrest Mars, Sr., is an Aries. The makeup mogul Bobbi Brown is also a Ram, who has combined the Arian love of aesthetics with success in business. Also an Aries ... Sam Walton, creator of the American store chains Wal-Mart and Sam's Club, chains that incidentally sell both M&Ms and Bobbi Brown Cosmetics.

British entrepreneur Lord Alan Sugar is an Aries, and has amassed an enormous empire of profit-earning businesses, and Hugh Hefner, creator of the Playboy empire has amassed an enormous number of girlfriends. Men's designers Marc Jacobs, Tommy Hilfiger, and Kenneth Cole are all Arians and have created entire lines of clothing, cologne, and home goods bearing their name.

Having one or more Aries on your team is a sure way to propel it forward to success, and that can be seen over and over again. Two of the stars of the Sex and the City foursome are Aries gals: Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon. Also, at least two of the classic quad of artists, reincarnated in popular culture as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, are Aries: Leonardo da Vinci and Raphael. It's also possible that Donatello could have been an Aries, but no one alive today seems to be totally sure of his actual birthdate.

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Excerpted from BAD BIRTHDAYS by Sarah Christensen Fu. Copyright © 2014 HarperCollinsPublishers. Excerpted by permission of Hampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc..
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