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I Choose You Today

31 Choices to Make Love Last

Abingdon Press

I CHOOSE TO ACCEPT GOD'S WORD AS THE BLUEPRINT FOR OUR LIFE

Every scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for showing mistakes, for correcting, and for training character.

—2 Timothy 3:16

But do you really think God is going to be mad at us if we go to this movie?" Jacqui was frustrated that, once again, Brian had pulled the faith card. It was happening often these days. "Everyone from work has seen it—I even heard some people from church say it was really good. I'd like to see it too. Come on, Brian! What can it really hurt?"

"I'm just not personally comfortable with it," he responded. "The rating is based on sexual content, violence, and I've heard the language is bad—really bad. It's used throughout the movie, not just in one or two spots." Brian's expression let Jacqui know he wasn't about to change his mind.

She reluctantly and loudly withdrew, making certain he could hear her murmuring as she slammed the door to their bedroom. The weekend was getting off to a bad start.

Brian was tired of being the enforcer, or as Jacqui called him, the spoiler. Yet their conflicts were occurring more often. The tension had started a few months after their relocation for Brian's promotion. They fought about their giving, their lifestyle—things that had never been an issue before—and Brian was concerned. Why are we constantly arguing? And what will it take for us to get on the same page?

Life for the couple had become increasingly difficult following the move from their hometown. Living away from the community and the church where they had grown up had been a big adjustment—it had taken longer than expected to find a new church they could agree on.

Even after the decision was made, Jacqui questioned whether it was the right fit for them. Brian too had to admit things were different at this church—the worship was a little over the top and the people came dressed very casually. Different isn't wrong; it's just not what you're used to, he often reminded himself. Still, it didn't feel like home yet.

Attending the same church with both of their extended families over the years had created a set of unspoken expectations. The couple had never stopped to ask, "Are we going to church this weekend?" It was a given. "Will we participate in the annual missions outreach or sing in the choir?" had not been discussed. He and Jacqui had simply followed the pattern established by their families.

They had been good patterns, but Brian became increasingly aware that church in their hometown had been a comfortable routine, a family tradition, almost a social network. Rather than making a daily commitment born of their mutual desire to grow in Christ and walk as Jesus walked, he and Jacqui had continued their family patterns once married. Now the couple was on their own for the first time, not just geographically but spiritually. There were conversations they'd never had, issues they had not discussed; and at this point, it showed.

Ultimately Brian realized his discomfort had little to do with their new town or the new church. He began to see that he and Jacqui had done more than move geographically. Their hearts had moved as well—away from many of the godly principles they had been taught as kids and relied on all their lives. Now the two of them were wrestling with that reality.

"God's Word is the user's manual for life," their former youth pastor always said. Well then, the manual's a little dusty. Brian knew that everything he and Jacqui needed to sort it all out was available to them if they would search their Bibles and seek God in prayer.

God had been tugging on Jacqui's heart as well. She approached Brian later that evening. "I'm not sure where to start, Brian, but we've got to find our way back to us."

Brian agreed. "I'm so sorry, babe. I didn't realize we had gotten so off track. I guess it's time we grow up and get clear about God's plan for us as a couple. I'm willing to figure out what that should look like, aren't you?"

"You and I won't always agree on everything," Jacqui said softly, "but if we choose to agree that God will have the final word in our household, I can live with that." She slipped her hand into his. "There's a new small group for young marrieds starting next week. Interested?"

Conventional wisdom: "When everything else fails, read the instructions."

—Unknown

Chapter 1 Choice Questions: I Choose to Accept God's Word as the Blueprint for Our Life

1. Do a quick inventory: Are you and your spouse living in a way that honors God and his Word as the blueprint in your life? List the reasons for your response.

2. What practices or lifestyle choices have created conflict or have been difficult to deal with at times? How have you dealt with them in the past?

3. What will you need to do to accept God's Word as the final authority over opinions, popular thought, or outside pressure?

Use the prayer below to declare your choice—or create one of your own.

Prayer: Father, you gave us your Word to provide direction, insight, and understanding on how to live and walk in this life. The Bible is not a list of don't dos designed to keep us from having fun. It's a book of life, filled with hope and promise for those who choose it. I am committed to following your example in all things, resisting customs, traditions, and popular opinion. I will honor you by following the user's manual you lovingly created, knowing this brings great reward and joy. I choose today to accept your Word and submit to it as the authority in my life.

I CHOOSE TO PURSUE YOU

As for husbands, love your wives just like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.

—Ephesians 5:25

Another business trip, another city. The worst part of that first day on the road is taking my clothes out of the suitcase, hanging them up, and pressing those that didn't fare well during travel. I had just mentioned to my husband, Ron, that morning how much I dreaded that sometimes-twice-a-week task as I moved between client locations.

Now, as I pulled the advertised no-wrinkle blouse from my bag, an envelope fluttered to the floor. I fetched it from the carpet as I threw the blouse in the ironing pile.

Ron's handwriting: Mag. His pet name made me smile immediately. I sank down on the foot of the bed and turned the envelope over. "I love you" was written across the sealed flap.

A sweet note inside reminded me of his love for me, how much he missed me every second I was gone and how he dreaded the empty side of the bed. A little flirting, a little prayer for my upcoming week. A sweet surprise, but not the first. Ron has pursued me consistently in the past thirty-eight years.

He's the romantic; I'm pragmatic. He can recall the date of our first kiss and never forgets an anniversary or special occasion. He has created elaborate romantic surprises for me over the years, capturing my heart again and again.

I could take a page from his book. I've been guilty sometimes of saying to him the morning of his birthday, "I didn't get you a card. Will a kiss do?"

I should be better at this. I grew up in a home where every day my father said to my mom, "Dottie, did I tell you today I love you?" She always responded: "Yes, but you can tell me again." They were perfect together. Mom often appeared annoyed when Dad (in his seventies) would say to the waiter, "Hey there, buddy, look around. The most beautiful girl in the room is with me tonight." She said it embarrassed her, but truthfully, she loved every romantic moment.

Ron's envelope got me to thinking about the impact his pursuit has made on me. Knowing he always has me at the forefront of his thoughts and affections has created a great confidence, not only in our relationship but also for me personally. I'm not twenty-five anymore, but he still sees me as beautiful; he is still attracted to me. I trust his heart, if not always his eyes!

I'm so glad it's his heart he uses when he looks at me. I never wonder whether or not he truly loves me, needs me, and wants me. His pursuit speaks volumes, and it draws me to him time after time.

Doesn't he deserve the same from me? That confidence that comes from being relentlessly pursued? He owns my heart; he knows it. But I want him to feel it. I want him to experience the same confidence and assurance his pursuit affords me. I want him to know that my affection and attraction to him have not only remained steady, but they've grown over the years.

I know Ephesians 5:25—with its directive to give up ourselves just as Christ did for the church—is addressed to husbands, but Romans 8:29 says, "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son" (NLT). God is in relentless pursuit of those he loves. God sent Jesus to pursue us and I am called to follow his lead—to pursue those I love.

So what does it mean to engage in a pursuit? The dictionary defines pursue as: to follow and try to catch or capture (someone or something) for usually a long distance or time. I want to capture my someone's heart for a very long time. I want to be in love with Ron every day I draw breath.

I will admit, it doesn't come naturally for me. I'm a list maker, a busy girl, and I'm not necessarily wired for pursuit. So it's a choice I want to make on a regular basis—even if I have to plan it. Spontaneity is overrated anyway.

I find Ron hard to resist when he's chasing my heart. I'm betting I can create a major distraction when I'm in full pursuit.

So ... what will you choose?

Conventional wisdom: "She chased and chased me until I caught her."

—Larry Graeme (MY DAD!)

Chapter 2 Choice Questions: I Choose to Pursue You

1. Does pursuing your spouse come naturally for you? Does he/she pursue you? Record your thoughts about how willingly and consistently you pursue your spouse.

2. What's standing in the way of intentional pursuit (time, personality, issues, hurts/disappointments)? Are you willing to set this aside? What needs to be addressed in prayer or forgiveness?

3. Have a conversation with your spouse, asking the following questions:

• Do you feel pursued? What makes you feel the way you do?

• How confident are you about my affection for you? My attraction to you? My commitment to you and our marriage?

• What is the best way to communicate my attraction and commitment?

Use the prayer below to declare your choice—or create one of your own.

Prayer: Father, thank you for pursuing me. I choose to follow your example and pursue the one I love. I want to know I am valued and desired in my marriage, and I want that same confidence for my husband/wife. I accept that love is not a feeling; it's an action, a choice each day. Help me through your Spirit to make that choice. I ask you to encourage me in my role as pursuer. I will set aside the busyness of home, kids, and work to communicate affection and attraction for my spouse. And even if it's not my own personal style, it's your style—one I ask you to mature in me.

I CHOOSE TO LOVE YOU

Rushing waters can't quench love; rivers can't wash it away. If someone gave all his estate in exchange for love, he would be laughed to utter shame.

—Song of Songs 8:7

Sam slammed the door with gusto, making sure it was loud enough for Bethany to hear. She's not reasonable, and when she gets upset, she just freezes me out. I'm tired of it. Actually, I'm tired of her. Where's the cute redhead I fell in love with?

He wasn't quite sure where their lives were headed, but he couldn't live this way any longer. He hated the silent treatment, especially when he was trying to help Bethany understand the situation. His demanding job put him under the microscope. There had been client complaints about his work, and with their efforts to start a family, the last thing they needed was to lose his job and their insurance.

I don't love her anymore? What a joke! Can't she see that I'm doing this for us? For her?

In the now-quiet house, Bethany sat on the side of the bed, startled by the explosive slam of the front door. Her thoughts turned quickly to last night's conversation. It ended with Sam pleading his case, but she'd heard enough. Despite his attempts to continue the conversation—she turned away, refusing to talk. Then sleep eluded her as she replayed it over and over in her head.

The next morning, when he asked about her plans for the day, she remained silent. It was Saturday, and he was heading to the office—again. He doesn't want to spend time with me. He's using work as an excuse. All he does is work, eat, sleep, and make excuses for why he's too tired for any time together.

He's certainly not the same guy I married. What happened to Mr. Romance? When was the last time he surprised me with flowers? It doesn't feel like Sam loves me anymore. Not like he used to. If I'm really honest, I'm not sure I feel the same way about him either. Could be we've run our course. Perhaps it's a good thing the fertility treatments have failed—maybe it's God's way of telling us we're done.

Life is pressing on Bethany and Sam, and she's entertaining a lie. God doesn't throw in the towel on love.

When Mr. Romance and the cute redhead fell in love, life was easy. Back then, they were silly and affectionate, once caught kissing behind the Christmas tree. Friends and family jokingly warned them, "The honeymoon won't last forever." But Sam and Bethany ignored the warnings. Their relationship was God-centered and their marriage commitment was based on the Lord's presence in their lives. This was a love that would last a lifetime.

So what happened? Life happened.

The shock of infertility and the stress to conceive gradually replaced the sweet warmth of their relationship. Intimacy is now determined by the calendar rather than their desire for closeness and connection. They feel cornered by their circumstances and are desperate to experience something other than disappointment and the fear that pregnancy will never happen. And they are desperate to sense the love they once shared.

It's an incredible feeling to be loved without constraint and to return that love without reservation. But love itself is not a feeling—feelings are subject to change. Financial problems, illness, aging parents who need help, or issues like those experienced by Bethany and Sam create strong feelings that can force their way to the forefront. The focus on actively loving one another slips aside as we deal with the issues that threaten to consume us. Instead of clinging together during difficulty, couples often spiral apart. We no longer feel loved; we no longer feel like loving. Let that continue long enough and the marriage is at risk.

Love is an act of our will, based on the commitment we made when we married. But that commitment is not a one-and-done kind of deal. It must be renewed. Daily. Love is a choice. Give it or give up on it. Love is always a choice.

When we choose to love one another, honoring our commitment in obedience to God, a startling transformation takes place. The ability to be open, kind, and loving (or the willingness, if the "want to" isn't quite there) is once again possible. When we align our hearts with God's plan and purpose, he surprises us and rekindles the connection we crave. We feel it once again. And we do want to feel it.

My friends Becky and Greg Johnson know a little something about love. They found it later in life, each having a previous marriage that did not survive. So this second chance to experience what Greg calls "mad, stupid love" is a rich gift indeed. Becky recently shared their secret with me:

Do you know why we really fall in love with someone? And do you know what keeps people in love for a lifetime? It has very little to do with your looks, charm, or talent. As an almost-old woman, I will tell you the truth. I know the secret weapon to falling in love and staying there: people fall in love because of the way the other person makes them feel about themselves. Someone who makes you feel smart, beautiful, talented, and kind (whether or not you really are any of these things) when you are together is pretty much irresistible. Don't waste time trying to impress someone. Spend your time listening deeply, noticing, and bringing out the best in the person sitting across from you. When two people both do this for each other every day, well, this is where the love magic happens.

The love magic.

There will be days—oh, yes, there will—when you might not feel loved and don't feel like loving. It happens. Change the pattern by changing your mind and your conversation. Make the commitment to love, and start by saying, "I choose you today."

Conventional wisdom: "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

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Excerpted from I Choose You Today by Deb DeArmond. Copyright © 2015 Deb DeArmond. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
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