33 Times You Should NOT Whip out Your Book & Read

Hello? Um, yes hi, hello. Ok, fair readers. Sorry to be getting in between your eyeballs and your favorite books of the moment, but we have to talk about something serious. It’s a problem we ALL face and it’s terminal and terrible and we will probably all die a little from it.

There are times…in our lives…when we have to stop reading…and do something else. This “something else” of which we speak is usually red-flagged as “important” by society’s standards. Births. Deaths. Someone close to you getting inaugurated. Having to perform an organ transplant. Regardless of what it is, the result is the same: you will be cruelly ripped away from the lovely literary world where no one asks anything of you and forced to live your life and experience real things with actual human beings. And then everything becomes terrible.

Warning: should you attempt to explain that Katniss cannot be left alone at this juncture because she’s at the Cornucopia and Finnick’s got his merman mitts on a trident or that you’re thisclose to Stella getting her groove back, society will promptly laugh in your face.

So to avoid that painful slap, we’ve compiled a list of the most socially unacceptable moments to pull out your book and start reading. Print it and put it in your wallet. Maybe get it laminated and use it as a bookmark? We don’t know your life. But definitely memorize it. And add your own notes to it. Ok cool.

TIMES YOU MUST NOT ATTEMPT TO READ OR PEOPLE WILL START TO STRONGLY DISLIKE YOU:

1. When your friend is trying to have a heartfelt conversation with you about their recent breakup.

2. During the Super Bowl as you take up a prime position on the couch smack in front of the TV. It will anger even the most casual fan.

3. As your wife is handing you your newborn baby you so you can hold your child for the first time.

4. As anyone is handing you a newborn baby, for that matter.

5. As you’re trying to deliver a newborn baby.

6. Any time a newborn baby is involved—pay attention because you gotta watch out for that soft spot!

7. When your boss is trying to talk to you about where you see yourself at the company she built from the ground up with nothing but $20 and a dream.

8. When you’re sitting in the front row watching your friend’s band and they are singing the song they wrote about how great you are.

9. While your significant other is proposing to you.

10. As someone is trying to use their last remaining breath to give you their dying wishes. This probably should’ve been first on the list.

11. On a dinner date—unless your partner is also reading and then if that’s the case, marry them post-haste.

12. While you’re driving a bus through rush-hour traffic and you have to stay over 50 mph otherwise the bus will blow up. What do you do? What DO you do? (First, you put down Middlesex.)

13. While any person is actually trying to have a face-to-face conversation with you. Even if it’s boring. Even if it’s about how they have a weird rash.

14. When you’re supposed to be running with the Olympic Torch. Gotta get your head in the game—America needs you now more than ever.

15. During a funeral.

16. While blocking the entrance to everyone’s favorite burrito store as the lunch rush tries to surge in around you.

17. During your lifeguard shift at the beach on the busiest day of the summer. And there’s a huge undertow. And sharks. And the local camp is on a field trip for the day.

18. While watching a YouTube video of someone who just received cochlear implants hearing for the first time because, seriously, you’re not a monster. Come on and feel those delicious feelings.

19. You’re supposed to be timing someone who’s holding their breath underwater.

20. When you’re racing against the clock to figure out the identity of a murderer before the next victim gets offed.

21. While you’re in the middle of a complicated food order that involves allergy warnings, substitutions and cooking directions. Cut your server some slack, yo.

22. When you’re conducting an orchestra. Things will go awry.

23. During your Witness Protection Program “Here’s your new identity!” orientation meeting.

24. When your sister comes out of the dressing room in THE wedding dress. Focus. Cry if you can.

25. If you’re about to announce the winner of this season’s The Voice. We’re looking at you, Carson Daly.

26. During any toast you’re giving.

27. During any show you’re starring in.

28. During any situation where you’re going to be awarded a prize or trophy.

29. At any point during your tenure as the President’s Secret Service agent. Just give up reading altogether for a while maybe?

29. While your dentist is filling a cavity.

30. When someone’s giving you very specific instructions on how to infiltrate a criminal underworld.

31. As you are walking aimlessly in the middle of the sidewalk in New York City. People WILL not hesitate to run you over.

32. Between the tossing of your ice-dancing partner and the catching of your ice-dancing partner. Toepick.

33. If you promised to teach someone how to French braid because we’re still waiting.

When do you think is the worst time to whip out your book and read?