6 (Fake) Berenstain Bear Books Just For Adults

I loved the Berenstain Bears books when I was a little girl.
I learned so many valuable lessons from Papa, Mama, Brother and Sister Bear—that it’s not healthy to eat too much junk food, that you shouldn’t be afraid of the dentist, that grown men wear overalls every day and yell a lot. Where would I be today without their sage guidance?
But wouldn’t it be great if there were Berenstain Bears books that helped us tackle the challenges we face as grownups? After teaching me not to watch too much TV, The B Bears kind of dropped off, leaving me to make my way through life on my own, just when I needed them most.
So I present to you the following proposal for the Berenstain Bears adult series. I’ll write. Who wants to illustrate?
The Berenstain Bears and the Emotionally Unavailable Boyfriend
Sister Bear grapples with her new relationship and ultimately learns she is only wasting her time with Boyfriend Bear, who gets weird as hell when she tries to leave her toothbrush and honey pot at his tree house.
The Berenstain Bears and the Four-Day Hangover
Brother Bear and Cousin Freddy tie one on at the Cub Pub to celebrate Brother’s 37th birthday. Brother Bear spends the next four days with a headache, a dry mouth and a waning will to live and is reminded his body is slowly turning on him as his youth becomes but a distant memory.
The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Marriage
Brother Bear’s wife tells him she thinks they should no longer have separate Facebear accounts. She changes his account name to BrotherandWife Bear and begins posting dozens of updates about their cub’s droppings.
The Berenstain Bears and the Unbearable Coworker
Mama Bear starts a new job and soon develops an intense dislike for a coworker who tattles to the boss when someone takes a long lunch and posts signs in the break room that are as patronizing as they are grammatically incorrect—e.g. “Please clean up after yourselves, you’re mother bear doesn’t work here.” Mama Bear must learn to exercise patience, especially when the coworker starts peddling Mary Kay at the office and tries to have a conversation with Mama Bear about moisturizing fur cream while she is in the bathroom stall.
The Berenstain Bears and the Big, Gaping Disappointment
After years of not-so-subtly mentioning how their dream of one day having more grandcubs is basically the only thing that is keeping them from just moving into a nursing home to prepare for death, Papa and Mama Bear must come to terms with reality after they stop by Sister Bear’s tree house on a Saturday night and discover her wearing microwaveable socks, reading Jane Austen’s Pawsuasion, and burning 17 scented candles.
The Berenstain Bears and the Mystery of the 401(K)
Upon learning that 401(K) is not, in fact, the side project of U2’s Lair-y Mullen, Brother Bear must confront the reality that he is nearly 40 years old and has no retirement savings. After creating a monthly budget and vowing to put aside 20% of his income for retirement, he blows $5,000 on a flat-screen TV and starts playing the lottery a lot.
What lesson do you wish The Berenstain Bears taught you?