8 Reasons Being in a Pirate Romance Novel Would Actually Be Awful

Misconception #1: Pirates are sexy.
In reality: If you’re picturing rich black locks rustling in the island wind and huge tan pecs, congratulations, you’ve either been brainwashed by romance novels or have a thing for Johnny Depp. Real pirates have had their limbs haphazardly hacked off, are literally filthy, and do not wear sexy Jack Sparrow eyeliner. I can’t imagine how they must smell.

Misconception #2: Getting frisky with a pirate would be hot.
In reality: Pirates were disease-ridden scurvy factories. They usually had rickets, hepatitis, malaria, halitosis, scabies, and venereal diseases of all flavors. I don’t think there’s a form of protection under the sun that could make pirate sex safe sex. Also, since pirates often lived only in the presence of men, many of them preferred to sleep with men. So if you’re a woman reading this, you might be out of luck, anyway. And how depressing would that be? “I am the only lady on this island and nobody is even slightly interested?”

Misconception #3: Pirates are the ultimate bad boys. So cool.
In reality: Pirates weren’t fun bad boys who were just from the wrong side of the tracks and needed your goodness to change their ways. They weren’t misunderstood and good at heart. They were some mean sons-a-bitches. They legit stole stuff, killed people for no reason, and terrorized everyone. If you see a pirate coming, you should stop brushing your hair and curling your eyelashes and RUN because your life is in danger in a non-sexy way. From David Cordingly’s Under The Black Flag: “Seamen who resisted a pirate attack were hacked to death and thrown over the side.” That makes walking the plank seem like a fun alternative option.

Misconception #4: Check out those sexy eye patches! It’s like they’re winking at me 24/7.
In reality: Yeah, they’re wearing that eye patch because their eyeballs have been gouged out in sea battle. If your pirate boyfriend’s eyeball has been scooped out with the tip of a rusty sword, think about what the other guy must look like, and what your sexy boyfriend is capable of doing.

Misconception #5: The beach is the ideal setting for a romantic romp.
In reality: We’re not talking about Cabo. Pirates live on crazy scary islands that are desolate for a reason. No electricity, no cabana boys, no margaritas in chilled glasses. Instead, you get a monkey infestation at best. There is not enough food. You don’t even like coconuts! And you know how pesky sand can be, it gets everywhere.

Misconception #6: Pirates are charming.
In reality: Nope. You’re thinking about that romance novel, again. Pirates were uneducated and the only thing they can form sentences around is plundering. (If, that is, you consider, “babe, did you see how I just plundered that ship?” a full sentence. Your response: “Yeah, yeah. It was better when Johnny Depp did it.”)

Misconception #7: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me! I’ll spend all of my new free time journaling and working on getting rock-hard abs!
In reality: A few important points: A) If you, like so many of us, can’t go ten minutes without checking your Instagram or email, this is what your journal will look like: “All Work And No Play Makes Me A Dull Girl.” You’ll go crazy and reach the point where you’ll murder someone for your iPhone and a pizza. (Nothing to see here, just someone murdering someone else.) And when you cry for your iPhone, the pirates will make you walk the plank for fun. B) Here is a sample of some lyrics of the friendly-sounding Disney song A Pirate’s Life For Me: “We pillage, plunder, rifle and loot. We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot. We filch and sack, we char and enflame and ignite. We burn up the city, we’re really a fright.” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ROMANTIC STUFF? C)You might actually get rock-hard abs. Worth it?  You decide.

Misconception #8: At least there will be rum.
That is actually not a misconception. Okay, sure. There will probably be rum.

Still want to be in a sexy pirate romance novel?