The Book Nerd’s Guide to Knowing When to Break Up

By Nicole Hill / March 23, 2017 at 12:45 pm

Welcome to the Book Nerd’s Guide to Life! Every other week, we convene in this safe place to discuss the unique challenges of life for people whose noses are always wedged in books. For past guides, click here.
If life imitates art, the number of relationships that bite the big one should come as no surprise. I’ll grant you that few real-life couples face the same love-dooming challenges as fiction. For example, rarely are they sucked into a televised bloodbath (Team Gale forever), and perhaps even less often (let’s hope) are they literally twins.
More often, lovers suffer from the oft-studied Harry-Cho disorder, in which their feelings toward each other are simply too boring to survive. Even more common are relationships doomed by a series of otherwise unimportant micro-offenses, the tiny infractions against personal mores that turn doting partners into Nick and Amy Dunne sooner than you can say, “Think of the children’s books!”
These aggressions tend to accumulate over the course of months and years, culminating in one final catastrophic event, like accidentally leaving the refrigerator door ajar all day or defending a lonesome pair of underwear left on the bedroom floor, as if it were an incident that did not happen every Tuesday.
Sure, some of these things are trivial. On their own, they shouldn’t be enough to end a relationship. Maybe. There are certainly offenses, deemed inoffensive by some who are not reading this post, that can and should extinguish the flame of passion, mostly because they interfere with one of your other passions: reading, naturally.
If the two major forces in your life—your partner and your books—are not in harmony, or worse, are in opposition, the pillars of your mental well-being begin to erode. Sure, you may pass off some annoyances as minor, but beware the slippery slope. By the time you’re reading furtively at a coffee shop because you just can’t handle the judgment about your title of choice, it’s too late. You’re already miserable.
That’s why, as your friend, I suggest looking for warning signs early. It’s imperative you recognize your joint denouement before it gets ugly. Be ready to call it quits if, for example:

He dog-ears something from your first-edition collection.
She steals your Doctor Who bookmark and loses it.
He skipped school on Scholastic Book Fair days, and, subsequently, does not understand why throwing away your cherished Clifford the Big Red Dog eraser is a big deal.
Her idea of a low-key book light is a floor lamp.
He spoils the ending of something on your to-read list.
She spoils the ending of the thing you are reading literally right now. (Aw, come on, Shannon!)
He takes one of those Facebook quizzes and comes up as a Mr. Collins. And does not see the problem with this.
She refers to bildungsroman, in casual conversation, as her favorite typeface.
He finishes one of the pages of your Star Trek: The Next Generation coloring book without your permission. It was the portrait of William T. Riker. You were going to add scenery from Risa in the background.
She doesn’t think novellas should count toward your reading goal for the year.
He tells you finishing a chapter is “not a valid excuse” for skipping a work happy hour.
She kicks you out of her book club for disagreeing with her analysis of A Man Called Ove.
He thinks “Kurt Vonnemutt” is a dumb name for the dog.
She gives you a drawer in her apartment but has never made room on her bookshelf. She will never commit to you.
He has expressed preference for the movie over the book on three separate occasions.
She has not purchased, borrowed, or otherwise glanced at a book, ebook, or audiobook in the last calendar year.