15 Harry Potter Spells Ranked in Order of Real-Life Usefulness
Generally speaking, magic is pretty handy when you’re using it right. But the witches and wizards of Hogwarts are never using it right. If I currently had magic at my disposal, for example, I would never deign to lift a finger ever again; I would simply use Accio! and everyday objects would bend to the will of my laziness. But Accio isn’t the only spell, nor is it the greatest spell there ever was. Let’s take a look at some others, ranked in order of how useful they’d be in this crazy thing called life.
#15: Avis
This is the one that shoots birds out of your wand. For the life of me, I can’t imagine what I would do with this. What happens to the birds, anyway? Do you have to take care of them now? Are they YOUR BIRDS?
#14: Furnunculus
I can’t actually think of anyone I’d want to have covered in painful boils. Plus, there’s always the chance someone could cover ME with painful boils. That’s not a world I want to live in.
#13: Tarantallegra
Remember when a Death Eater used this on Neville in Order of the Phoenix, and he danced his way through most of the action? Maybe “useful” isn’t the right word. Maybe this belongs under a separate list titled “Harry Potter Spells Ranked in Order of How Hilarious They’d Be in Serious Situations, Like Job Interviews.”
#12: Morsmordre
This conjures the Dark Mark. Not only can it be used to rally the members of your evil organization, but let’s say you were the guy who was supposed to bring fireworks to the Fourth of July barbecue and you forgot. Problem solved: Morsmordre.
#11: Incendio
This produces fire, which I’m sure would be useful to some people. Personally, I’ve never actually needed to build a campfire in my whole sheltered life, but in the unlikely event I ever consent to step within five miles of the unruly wilderness, I’ll be ready.
#10: Avada Kedavra
Okay, look. I don’t want this for anything NEFARIOUS, but I do want to be able to kill spiders without either a) feeling their tiny bodies getting crushed beneath my fingertips, or b) trapping them under a Tupperware container and waiting for them to die of natural causes. I could just kill them with a shoe, of course, but I like my shoes. You want me to defile my shoes with bug guts?
#9: Anapneo
Pros to living alone: you can watch TV in your underwear while eating Doritos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, far from the discerning eye of a judgmental roommate. Cons to living alone: if you choke, you’ll die alone, pantsless and covered in a mountain of empty Dorito bags. But not with Anapneo, which clears the airway if blocked, provided you could pull it off nonverbally.
#8: Lumos
No more struggling to enable the iPhone’s flashlight setting for this fledging technophobe.
#7: Portus
This allows you to create Portkeys, and let me tell you, I would create Portkeys for everything. Cross-country road trips. Short jaunts to the grocery store. The daily commute to work. If it means I never again have to make eye contact with the guy who eats mayonnaise on public transportation, I’m game.
#6: Wingardium Leviosa
With this spell, getting trapped beneath my own sofa while trying to move the furniture would be a thing of the past. I could also bring all the groceries in with one trip. Score.
#5: Alohamora
I can’t tell you how many things I’ve been locked out of. My car, for one. My dorm room in college after showering while I was towel-clad and dripping, for another. This spell was invented for people like me.
#4: Reparo
I don’t know how to fix my car. I don’t know how to discern whether that puttering noise is Something Serious or merely a nuisance. If I could fix things with just a wave of my wand, I would never have to deal with my mechanic ever again. This would be ideal. He can smell fear.
#3: Accio
It’s like Control + F in real life. And imagine how easy it’d be to pull off a jewel heist.
#2: Scourgify
You know what really irks me? Cleaning. Dusting. Decluttering. Those Dorito crumbs aren’t going to wipe themselves up, but wouldn’t it be great if they basically could?
#1: Expelliarmus
This good old charm is coming in hot at #1 because as near as I can tell, it’s an all-purpose enchantment. Need to disarm someone? Check. Rebound a Killing Curse? Check. Knock out a meddlesome Potions professor in the Shrieking Shack because you’re trying to explain that Sirius Black might be innocent, but he just won’t listen to reason? Check, check, and check. Honestly, what CAN’T it do?