These Fictional Characters Would Make Terrible Advice Columnists

We learn so much from the fictional characters in our favorite books—but we can’t expect them to know how to handle every situation, as is proven in the first installment of this new series, Fictional Characters Who Would Make Terrible Advice Columnists. Read on, and be unenlightened:

Ask Mr. Darcy

Dear Mr. Darcy,
My birthday is coming up, and my best friend is throwing me a party. Only, she doesn’t like my ex-boyfriend, with whom I’m still friendly, and refuses to invite him. I’d really like him to be there! What should I do?
—Troubled in Teaneck

Dear Troubled,
Allow me to confirm that I accurately understand your question: A dear friend wishes to throw a celebration in your honor, and instead of feeling grateful for this act of kindness, you are insisting upon inviting a former paramour whose presence your friend detests?

I daresay your persistence in this matter is highly imprudent and reveals troubling flaws in your character. It is my opinion that your friend would do well to seek out acquaintances who will better appreciate her loyal devotion.

Still, perhaps I am guilty of a grave error in judgment. It is, after all, your birthday party. Shouldn’t the guests in attendance reflect your own tastes? Is it not your friend’s duty to ensure that you enjoy yourself at this event?

I now realize I have spoken too soon, and far too harshly. I hope you are able to forgive my rash behavior, and to accept my apologies. Over the course of writing this response, my feelings of tenderness for you have grown. They are now too strong to be denied.

I humbly offer you my deepest respects, as well as my hand in marriage.

Yours,

Mr. Darcy
~~~

Ask Sherlock Holmes

Dear Sherlock,
After years of living with a terrible kitchen we hated, my wife and I have decided to finally bite the bullet and overhaul the entire thing. Is there any way to do this quickly, and without it costing an arm and a leg?
—Cheap in Chesapeake

Dear Cheap,
Thank you for this banal question, which has thoroughly failed to disguise the nefarious motives which lurk in your diseased mind, and through which you have quite tidily revealed several incriminating facts. Indeed, I can tell from the very composition of this letter that it is not your kitchen that you would like to “overhaul.” It is clear to me that you are in fact desperately unhappy with your marriage and have long plotted to kill your wife.

This conclusion was quite simple to reach. Note your use of the alarming word “bullet”—not to mention your brazen reference to “an arm and a leg.” Taking into account the haste with which you scrawled this letter, you obviously planned to commit a heinous act immediately after posting it. In fact, at this very moment, I trust, you are burying a pile of severed limbs beneath the stairs of your basement (which could also stand to be redone. Shag carpet? Track lighting? Really?).

The police are on their way to apprehend you. In the meantime, might I offer you the advice that simply refinishing your kitchen cabinets will make the whole room look vastly different and much improved?

Ponder this, as you await the terrible fate you so richly deserve.

You’re welcome,
Sherlock Holmes

~~~

Ask Catherine Linton, née Earnshaw

Dear Catherine,
There’s a boy in my history class who I think likes me—he passes me notes once in a while, and the other day he turned red after I caught him staring at me. My best friend says there’s no way he’s into me—how can I tell for sure?
—Flirting in Phoenix

Dear Flirting,
It’s not always easy to tell if a boy is interested, but I have found that there are a few subtle signs to look for. For one thing, when the two of you are holding hands and running across a bleak, windswept moor, does he pause for a moment, his eyes shining wildly, to handpick you a bouquet of foxgloves, or to tenderly tuck a stray lock of hair behind your ear? If so, he probably like-likes you.

There are other ways to tell, of course. Once you agree to marry a different boy, of far inferior character but with promising social connections, does the boy you like vanish for three years, only to return triumphant, wealthy and powerful, and hellbent on punishing you, destroying your husband, and inflicting merciless revenge on all who thwarted his dreams? That’s another sign that he might have a bit of a crush.

Finally, if, eighteen years after your death he still complains that your ghost haunts his every waking moment, leaving him in agony until he can be reunited with your spirit, you’re in luck! He’s definitely planning to ask you to prom. Ah, young love.

Hope this helps.

xoxo,

Cathy
~~~