The Halfway Helpful Stories of My Childhood: A Guest Post By Zenobia July Author Lisa Bunker
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I have often written that when I was an unexpressed trans girl growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, I could find no characters like me in the stories I consumed. That is true—there were no trans characters anywhere. Many stories still offered me at least some comfort, though, by showing me characters with something secret and precious hidden inside. And, oh, did I resonate with them. They helped me hold myself together on the difficult path I had chosen of impersonating masculinity, in spite of not actually being a boy.
I have often written that when I was an unexpressed trans girl growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, I could find no characters like me in the stories I consumed. That is true—there were no trans characters anywhere. Many stories still offered me at least some comfort, though, by showing me characters with something secret and precious hidden inside. And, oh, did I resonate with them. They helped me hold myself together on the difficult path I had chosen of impersonating masculinity, in spite of not actually being a boy.
I discovered The Thirteen Clocks, by James Thurber, when I was five, and loved it instantly and intensely. When I read it, and understood it had been created by another human, I realized for the first time that I too had been put on this Earth to make stories. It was the flashpoint for my origin story as a writer.
The 13 Clocks: (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition)
Paperback $15.00
The 13 Clocks: (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition)
By
James Thurber
Introduction
Neil Gaiman
Illustrator
Marc Simont
In Stock Online
Paperback $15.00
It also spoke to my internal gender exile, already underway by that time. The only female character in the book is the Princess Saralinda, who has had a spell cast on her by the evil Duke, so that all she can say in his presence is “I wish him well.” In retrospect, this is an eye-rollingly obvious analogy to how I had already capitulated to the restrictive expectations of the all-pervasive gender binary.
It also spoke to my internal gender exile, already underway by that time. The only female character in the book is the Princess Saralinda, who has had a spell cast on her by the evil Duke, so that all she can say in his presence is “I wish him well.” In retrospect, this is an eye-rollingly obvious analogy to how I had already capitulated to the restrictive expectations of the all-pervasive gender binary.
The ending always bothered me, though, because Saralinda’s prince shows up, and that was where the parallel broke down. I was princeless, and had no realistic hope of such rescue.
Another early re-read favorite was The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster. On the surface, Milo is an ordinary boy living a humdrum life. As the story unfolds, however, he experiences a rich magical secret second life, in which he discovers the power of being open to the world and practicing selfless kindness.
The Phantom Tollbooth
Paperback $8.99
The Phantom Tollbooth
By
Norton Juster
Illustrator
Jules Feiffer
In Stock Online
Paperback $8.99
I thrilled at his story, too, but also struggled again at the end, when he returns to his regular life. He does so with renewed joy, but also with that second life still locked away inside. The message I received was that the soft loving thing inside me was beautiful, but that it had to stay secret.
I thrilled at his story, too, but also struggled again at the end, when he returns to his regular life. He does so with renewed joy, but also with that second life still locked away inside. The message I received was that the soft loving thing inside me was beautiful, but that it had to stay secret.
In The Dark is Rising, by Susan Cooper, ordinary boy Will Stanton discovers on his 11th birthday that he is one of the Old Ones, a warrior in an eternal struggle between Good and Evil. When I found this book in the stacks of my local public library, I devoured the whole five-book series of which it was a part. Will compelled me, and also left me aching at the end, in the same way that Milo did; but it was the character of Jane in book three, Greenwitch, who touched me most deeply. What that story comes down to is a girl saving the day through an act of selfless kindness that can never be revealed.
The Tombs of Atuan (Earthsea Series #2)
Paperback $10.99
The Tombs of Atuan (Earthsea Series #2)
By
Ursula K. Le Guin
Illustrator
Rebecca Guay
In Stock Online
Paperback $10.99
And then there’s Tenar, the child priestess in Ursula Le Guin’s The Tombs of Atuan—a girl taken out of the world and forced into lifelong servitude to ancient forces she cannot love or understand. This one reached me deepest of all, I think. I still cry when I read the passage where she finally feels herself freed (with the help of a wizard) from the grip of the Nameless Ones near the end of the book.
And then there’s Tenar, the child priestess in Ursula Le Guin’s The Tombs of Atuan—a girl taken out of the world and forced into lifelong servitude to ancient forces she cannot love or understand. This one reached me deepest of all, I think. I still cry when I read the passage where she finally feels herself freed (with the help of a wizard) from the grip of the Nameless Ones near the end of the book.
These books and many others helped me survive a long lonely road, but when it came to how to change that road or escape it altogether, they let me down. They taught me that my only hope was either a rescue I could never realistically hope for, or selfless sacrifice to the end of my days. There was never even a hint that it was possible, using just my own strength, to break free.
That is why today I feel driven to write stories that bring the transgender struggle and its possible successful resolutions out into the open. Secret lives can only carry you so far. In the end they are no replacements for a real life, lived freely and joyously out in the world for all to see.
Zenobia July is on B&N bookshelves now.