Interviews

On Tuesday, June 16, barnesandnoble.com welcomed Bob Paris, author of GENERATION QUEER
A Gay Man's Quest for Hope, Love & Justice.

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Moderator: Welcome, Bob Paris. Thank you for taking the time to join us online this evening. How are you doing tonight?

Bob Paris: I'm doing very well, thank you.

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Beth from Dade County, FL: How does God fit into your life and your existence as a homosexual? With so many conservatives yelling that homosexuality is a sin against God -- was your spirtual path rocky?

Bob Paris: My relationship is very personal and has come on a very hard road. I grew up in a fundamentalist setting, and after I left home at a young age and had tunred my back on my religion I regained an adjusted spirituality, in which I subscribed to the notion that what I now defined as God was a loving entity. And therefore, any way that I would be created, as long as I was being true to my own nature and not harming any other individuals, was a blessing.

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Kim R. from Toronto, Canada: You're a role model to many gay men. Whom do you consider to be your role models?

Bob Paris: I do pull role model aspects from a lot of different people. I see good qualities in a number of those who are willing to put the greater good above their own individual good, or at the very least see that the greater good is a part of their individual good. I don't think I can particularly name role models per se as much as say that I try to look for the best and highest aspects in public figures and in the people I encounter in my life, whether they're family, friends, or people I just encounter on a casual basis.

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Dennis from America Online: Are there requests for advice that you're hesitant to answer, because you're not sure how to deal with them? I thought your book was great, by the way, but I imagine it must be very nerve-wracking to make sure you're giving the best possible answer to people's questions.

Bob Paris: There are situations and questions that I would not have the audacity to answer. I certainly do not presume to have the answers to everything. I have, however, lived a rather full life with a great deal of experience, and what I have tried to do in this book is answer the questions with as open a heart as possible. And so the difficulty lies in how to address issues such as teenagers still living at home, people living under horrendous circumstances, those who may be doing harm to themselves, and those are certainly questions that lie beyond my grasp, aside from human empathy. And also thank you for your kind words regarding the book, it means a great deal to me.

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Lou from aol.com: Do you think the way gay magazines and media continuously portray men with perfect bodies is responsible for so much of the low self-esteem in the gay community?

Bob Paris: There is no simple answer to this question. To get at any level of an answer we must examine first of all the images that are given to us in all of media, and generally those are images of perfection. The important thing to remember is when you see someone who you think looks perfect in a photograph, it's probably just temporary. They've dieted, and primped for a photo shoot, and most likely don't look like that in everyday life. My philosophy on this has always been that people should look to their own highest self for their motivation. For example, in my fitness books I talk about how people should not see their head attached to some perfect body, but instead should envision themselves at the perfect level that they want, that is within their reach, desires, and willingness to work. We live in a society that puts way too much emphasis on physlcal perfection to begin with. That's a given. How we solve that is far a more complicated question than can be addresssed in just a few sentences.

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Marianne from Concord, CA: Do you think that America will someday be a place where gay partners are legally recognized in a marriage covenant? How far away from this do you think we are?

Bob Paris: The answer to the question is absolutely, yes. I have to answer it in a more roundabout fashion, though. If we look at just the past 20 years, we can see such radical and quantum-leap changes. The gay person living in even the most enlightenened area 20 years ago, or perhaps 30 years ago, probably wouldn't be able to imagine how far we have come in that time period. For this area of human evolution, there is no going backward. Even if the worst-case scenario happened, and some form of shift or new form of oppresion happened, we would grow through it, for, you see, we have gone down this slippery slope where this no climbing back to the place we were before. How would you possibly take millions of men and women who are learning to love a growing sense of freedom, equality, and self-love, and place them backward in history? How could it possibly be accomplished? So the answer to the question of partnership and marriage is that it is the natural evolution of this movement that our partnerships will be recongized legally. We are taxpaying citizens of the United States. We are entitled to the same rights as other, nongay citizens. It is inevitable that that injustice will be corrected. How long that takes, I really don't know. But I will add this. In 1989, I was in Berlin working, and all of the Germans and the media were debating that the Wall could perhaps come down in five or ten years. And in the course of a couple of weeks the momentum built until the Wall came down. That's how things happen in the course of human freedom.

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Seth from Fayetteville, GA: I am a 48-year-old white gay male. When I was growing up and coming out in the '70s and '80s, the word "queer" was considered to be very derogatory, like the "n-word." Why do you use it in the title of your book?

Bob Paris: I knew when titling this book that for some people the word "queer" would be uncomfortable and perhaps draw on hurtful experiences and memories. My belief, though, is that we must go back and reclaim the language that has been used to harm us for so long and deflate it of its harmful meaning. For example, the word "gay" began as a derogatory term, but yet as it was deflated of that derogatory aspect it became a widely accepted word. It may be that in our generation we will see the deflation of harm that happens with the language that is directed against us. My belief and experience is that words can only harm us if we somehow at some level still believe that they hold that same meaning. So the title of the book grew from the fact that I believe in the course of three or four generations we have come in a tremendously wide arc to a much greater place. From the place where "queer" meant something horrendous, something to be ashamed of, to the place where a younger generation uses the term with pride. I wanted to represent, in drawing together those generations, that "generation queer" represented this wide arc of human development.

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Megan from New York City: I noted when I was reading your book that you live on a virtually unpopulated island with your gay partner. Was isolating yourself from humanity in this manner your reaction to gay ostracism?

Bob Paris: Actually, there are about 4,000 people on the island. It's fairly large. But that is a good question. It's not necessarily a response to ostracism as much as it is a desire to live out in nature, and to be in a place that really resonates with my soul. In between finishing the book and its publication, we have started to venture back out into the city more and now spend part of the time living in the city, so it's more of a balancing act. I grew up very much in love with nature, and it's an important part of who I am, and it's an important part of my relationship, so I find that I need to stay in touch with that. Also, the island has been a tremendous healing place for me, and I'm very thankful that it was there.

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Donald L. from aol.com: What's the most important piece of advice you would give to someone who's thinking about coming out?

Bob Paris: First, it's important to determine what is meant by coming out. Is it a coming out to yourself, to your family, to your workplace? Each of these has a different dynamic, yet they are fairly similar. The most important advice I could give is to encourage whoever is preparing to come out at whatever level to do all of the work necessary to be on such sure footing. To make sure that you are prepared for not only any sort of negative things that might happen (and my belief is that these negative things generally don't usually manifest themselves except in our imaginations) but also for the positive things that will happen friends saying, "Thank you for finally being honest with me," siblings saying, "Well, it's about time." All those sorts of things are bound to happen. The first thing to do is to really and truly come out to yourself. And by that, I mean, to have an absolute essence that what you will be sharing with others is positive information. And until you get to the place that it is positive information that you're sharing there will be hesitantcy, so it's best to come from an aspect of a loving and self-loving place first.

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Krista from Knordgren@aol.com: I heard on NPR that the U.S. Immigration Service is reviewing (and I think passed) a case on whether to an accept an illegal alien who fled to this country because of being persecuted as a homosexual. I think they were from a Middle Eastern country. I believe that they will be granted citizenship. This, of course, this is a big victory for homosexuals.... Do you think this case could start a flood of homosexuals to seek protection in this country? Do you think this is a good thing that we open our gates to the persecuted like this? (For the record, I do!)

Bob Paris: I'm not positive of the facts in this case. I do know that I heard that someone claiming oppresion in their home country was granted asylum. Not sure about the citizenship question -- whether or not the person was granted citizenship, and I would hate to give an answer without knowing the facts. I absolutely believe that the very basis of our country is "Give us your poor, your tired, your weak" and that we have always been open to those seeking freedom who cannot find it elsewhere. Perhaps, what this can do, if it opens any floodgates at all, is to help our own country to live up to its promise of liberty and justice for all. After all, it's rather ironic to be granting asylum to a gay person of foreign status, when all around us we have gay people being openly oppressed within their own country.

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Mickey from New Orleans, LA: Do you include questions from your fans in this book? Do you enjoy this part of activism, i.e., responding to gay people's inquiries or problems?

Bob Paris: The second part of the book does revolve around answers to questions that have come in over the years. I did it in such a way that I would be able to respond to a number of pertinent issues on a variety of different topics, from adoption to schoolteachers dealing with gay kids. I've always enjoyed that interaction, whether in a college lecture, at a fund-raiser, or in the mail. So yes, I have enjoyed that interaction. In the past it's been very difficult, because of the volume of mail, to keep up with all those correspondences, but I've tried over the years to respond when it's appropriate and as time permits. Since the activism is a volunteer activity on my part and I still have to be able to make a living, these days I fit the activism in where I can.

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Tim from New York City: Do you think it's possible for someone to enjoy professional bodybuilding in a healthy, competitive way? Or is the competitive bodybuilding scene all too tainted now?

Bob Paris: From my perspective, having been away from the sport for nearly seven years, I would say that it has probably gotten worse with time and that the issues that drove me away from the sport several years ago, have intensified i.e., drug use, limited access to power, too much power in too few hands, and a turning away from the aesthetic aspects of the sport. It's an unfortunate situation for those like me who attempted to blend being an artist with being an athlete.

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Rich from Louisiana: What are your plans for the future? Any more books in the works?

Bob Paris: My plans for the future are unfolding as we speak. I know that I am discovering brand-new territories in my life. As for plans for more books, yes, I definitely have plans for more books. I very much enjoy being a writer. The ironic thing about my life is that if my family had predicted what I would become when I grew up, being a bodybuilder would not have been among those choices. Everyone saw me as being a writer, an actor, or a fine artist. That was who Bob Paris was to his family and the people who knew him until he was about 18 years old. So for me now to have developed a growing career as a writer, that's very exciting. I am working right now on a first novel, which is a historic novel that takes place in three different time periods revolving around one family, and also another nonfiction book. But I intend to pursue my writing for the next long while. Knock on wood.

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Ronael from Western Australia: Would you recommend your book for discussion with a large group of predominately conservative female book club members?

Bob Paris: Yes, certainly. It should certainly create a lively discussion.

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Andrew H. from Philadelphia, PA: Do you go online much? Do you think the World Wide Web has given gays and lesbians an easier way to find and communicate with each other?

Bob Paris: At the moment I don't go online. I have during sporadic times in the past, and I absolutley believe that the Web has created greater access for people who would normally not have access to each other. And that is always a good thing.

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Ray from Los Angeles, CA: What have you thought of the way the media portrays gays and lesbians, in the movies or on television? Have you seen any improvements?

Bob Paris: The greatest development I've seen in the media regarding gay and lesbian portrayals has been the evolution through and past the coming-out stage. I mean, coming out is important, but after a while the same story over and over again can get a bit tedious. But now we have all of these very wonderful movies -- love them, hate them, whatever. But when you have movies like "The Opposite of Sex," "The Object of My Affection," and "Leatherjacket Love Story," this wide diversity of gay cinema, what we begin to have is this broad portrayal where we can actually have good, bad, and otherwise gay films. We can have films with incidental gay characters. We can have the broad gamut. In essence, the media and people's access to the media may drag us to the next level without us actually ever realizing it.

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Moderator: Thank you, Bob Paris! Do you have any parting thoughts for the online audience?

Bob Paris: It was fantastic being here tonight. I appreciate all the great questions. Sorry I couldn't get to all of them. I look forward to doing this another time. Stay happy.

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