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CHAPTER 1

Life Is Like Whac-A-Mole

Have you ever played Whac-A-Mole? The object of the game is simple: Take a rubber mallet and strike a mechanical mole as it pops up through one of many holes on the board. As soon as you hit one mole over the head and it retreats back into its hole, another one pops up. You hit that mole on the head, watch it retreat, and then prepare to smack a third one that will emerge from yet another hole. The object is to hit as many moles as you can in the time allotted. You win if you can hit all the moles before the bell rings. But that doesn't happen very often. After all, it's a carnival game — the odds are stacked against you.

Life can sometimes feel like a carnival game — exhilarating but also unpredictable. You feel that you ought to be able to figure out how to handle whatever life throws at you, but problems seem to pop up at random. The truth is, without a game plan for tackling life's problems, you'll keep whacking away at them with little chance of success.

Wouldn't it be better if life were problem-free?

Not really. A world without any problems would be a dull place to live. After all, overcoming problems can make us better, stronger, and happier. Problems can force us to think of new ways to look at things, bring out qualities that we never knew we had, or prompt us to rethink the way we live our lives.

Some of the toughest problems of all involve doing the right thing. When you ask yourself "What should I do?" you're really asking "What is the right thing to do?" Sometimes it's difficult to know what the right thing is, and sometimes, even when you know the right thing, it's hard to find the courage to do it. You may be afraid to talk about the problem with your family or friends, or worry that doing what you believe is right will make you unpopular. You may be concerned that a relationship will be damaged, no matter what you do.

Since life isn't problem-free, the next best thing is to come up with a strategy for tackling dilemmas. It is simply not the case that all of the possible responses to a problem are equally good; there are better and worse ways of playing the game. In other words, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it.

Read on and you'll learn five powerful principles that provide the foundation for doing the right thing anywhere, anytime you're faced with the question "What should I do?" The goal is not for you to become perfect, but to live life to the fullest and continue to be a person you can be proud of.

CHAPTER 2

Ethics: The Art of Doing the Right Thing

Ethics is the study and practice of doing the right thing. It is the attempt to answer two basic but fundamental questions in our lives:

1. What should we do?

2. Why should we do it?

The words ethics and morality are often used as though they represent two different concepts. In fact, the history of the two words is closely intertwined. The Roman scholar and politician Cicero coined the term moralis, the root of the word morality, as a translation of the Greek word ethikos, from which we get the word ethics. Both ethics and morality refer to doing the right thing, so you can and should use them interchangeably.

The core idea of ethics is simple: In everything we say and do, we ought to think about how our actions might affect other people. But it's a mistake to think that ethics is concerned only with how we should treat others. After all, your rights and your well-being are important, too. Ethics is really about finding the right balance between helping others and looking after ourselves. Too much devotion to others can drain you. Too much focus on yourself is, well, selfish. As John Donne, a famous poet, wrote, "No man [or woman] is an island." We need one another not just to survive, but to be the best we can be.

Almost every group you can think of has a code of ethics — a list of rules and principles that serves as a guideline for proper behavior within the group. Physicians, lawyers, teachers, and journalists are just a few of the professionals who have a code of ethics that tells them what to do, what not to do, and why. In fact, if you take a look at the various codes of ethics out there, you'll see a remarkable similarity among them: "Tell the truth," "Keep your promises," and "Don't reveal secrets" are guidelines common to all professions.

Still, judging from the news and our own experiences, it often seems that the traditional rules and principles of ethics aren't working very well. Too many people seem to live according to the following code:

1. Keep your promises, unless something better comes along.

2. Always tell the truth, unless a lie is more convenient.

3. Do no harm, except when necessary to get what you want.

4. Take the easy way out.

5. Don't make waves.

6. Vent your anger whenever you feel like it.

7. Don't apologize, show compassion, or be forgiving, since these are signs of weakness.

8. Never reveal a secret, unless you have something to gain by doing so.

9. Use your money or connections to get ahead or to get out of punishment.

10. In every situation, ask yourself, "What course of action is most likely to benefit me?"

Few of us could live very well, or for very long, if everyone followed this code. Think about it: If bullies at school had free rein, you and your friends would live in constant fear of getting hurt. If your parents always lied to you whenever they felt like it, you could never trust them or believe anything they said. If your teachers assigned grades based on what gifts you've given them, rather than on your performance in class, you could be cheated out of the GPA you deserve. In the short run, some of us might benefit by cutting ethical corners, but in the long run, everyone would lose out.

Living ethically isn't just the right thing to do. It's the only way to live well.

MYTHS ABOUT ETHICS

There are a lot of common misconceptions about what it means to be ethical, so before you learn the basic ethical principles, it might help to sweep some of those myths out of the way.

Myth #1: If It's Legal, It's Right, and If It's Illegal, It's Wrong.

In 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama, an African-American woman named Rosa Parks broke the law by refusing to give up her seat on a bus to a white man. She acted illegally but did the right thing, because a good society doesn't make seating assignments on public transportation on the basis of race (or gender or religion or other aspects of a person's makeup or lifestyle). Yes, laws are important in keeping peace and preventing chaos, but they aren't the sole basis for determining what we should or should not do. For any law, we can and should ask "Is it right? Is it fair? Is it just?" Good laws are based on ethics. Bad laws are based on — well, just about anything else. We not only have a right to disobey unjust laws — some would say we have an obligation to do so. (Of course, we have to be willing to accept the consequences of disregarding the law, which in Rosa Parks's case meant getting arrested and going to jail.)

Also, consider this: There is no law against breaking promises to your friends, but wouldn't you agree that this isn't the right thing to do? Just because there is no law against doing something doesn't mean that it's okay to go ahead and do it.

Myth #2: If Everyone Is Doing It, It Must Be Right.

Suppose you're at a party one night and you walk into a room in which everyone is using drugs. They're listening to good music, laughing, and having what seems to be a great time. One of the people invites you to join them. If you're tempted to accept the invitation, one of the things that might go through your mind is "Well, how bad could it be if everyone is doing it?" But the fact that an activity is common practice or popular isn't a good reason for doing it. A strong ethical foundation acts like an internal compass that points the way to the right decision, regardless of what others around you may say or do.

Myth #3: If It Feels Right, It Is Right.

"There are no right or wrong answers in ethics," some say. "It's a matter of opinion. If something feels right for you, it is right for you." But this can't possibly be true. Imagine how you'd react if you discovered that your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you and then said, "It just felt like the thing to do." Or you ended up with a 95 average in math, but your teacher gave you a C and said, "I just felt like giving you a C." In both cases, you have been treated unfairly. In any situation, you can determine the right thing to do only by applying ethical standards that don't vary according to what your feelings are at the moment, or what is convenient, or any of the other excuses people give for doing what they do.

CHAPTER 3

The Five Life Principles

Every day you face difficult decisions, and it's not always easy to know what to do. Your friends may tell you to do one thing, your parents or teachers tell you to do something else, and there you are, caught in the middle. Everyone means well, but how can you determine the right thing to do?

Obviously, it's impossible to memorize a list of right answers for every possible dilemma that you might encounter. The list of possible questions is infinite, and that means the list of right answers is infinite, too. Since we can't all walk around with the right answers preprogrammed in our heads, the next best way to prepare for tough decisions is to learn a set of ethical principles.

Principles are general statements that cover a wide range of circumstances. Ethical principles are guidelines for doing the right thing. Because these principles are the foundation for how we ought to live our lives, I call them "Life Principles."

They are:

1. Do No Harm.

2. Make Things Better.

3. Respect Others.

4. Be Fair.

5. Be Loving.

Do they look familiar? You probably learned them from your parents and teachers a long time ago. If you practice a religion, you hear about them where you worship. If you belong to a service organization, you go over them a lot. The five Life Principles are simple, and you know them already. Even so, it's easy to forget how important these principles are in everything we do. Every day we're tempted to ignore them and to place value on things that ultimately aren't that important.

Why is it so hard to put the principles into practice? Too often we let fear, anger, or other negative emotions get us off track, and it's sometimes difficult to get back to where we really want to be. For example, how often do you really keep the "do no harm" principle in mind during your daily interactions with people? If a classmate insults you, aren't you tempted to return the insult and tell yourself, "Serves that person right"?

It's understandable that sometimes we let our feelings determine what we do, but that doesn't mean that it's a good idea to let our emotions rule us. Relying instead on your ability to think clearly is a better way to make the best possible decisions, and this is where the Life Principles come into play.

The Life Principles are the Foundation for Your Life

The five Life Principles — avoiding harm, making things better, respecting others, being fair, and being loving — provide the basis for making the right decisions, anytime, anywhere. Just as a house needs a strong physical foundation so that it can be the best possible house, so do you need a strong personal foundation to be the best possible you.

Your foundation comes from the principles that guide the choices you make and how you conduct yourself. You might even say that the kind of person you are is determined by how you choose to act.

Think about the last time you had to solve a tough problem in your life. What got in the way of finding the right solution or acting on that solution? Perhaps it was one or more of the following:

The problem was so upsetting that it was hard to think straight.

You were afraid that someone would get angry with you if you did what you thought was right.

You asked a few people for advice, and you got several different responses.

What the rules said (or didn't say) was at odds with what you believed was the right thing to do.

You didn't have all the facts you needed to make a decision.

You had too much information, and it wasn't clear what was really important and what wasn't.

All of these problems can get in the way of making a good decision and following it through. But they don't have to; understanding the Life Principles can make it possible to work your way through any dilemma. Learn the principles and you will have the tools to make the best possible choices consistently and be the best person you can be.

Life Principle #1: Do No Harm

The most fundamental Life Principle of all is "Do No Harm." That means that, at the very least, we can rightly be expected not to hurt people.

You might be familiar with the "do no harm" principle by its association with the medical profession. Physicians are instructed to "first, do no harm." When we are ill, or when we need a checkup, we go to doctors — and nurses, dentists, pharmacists, and other health-care providers — in the hope that they will make us better or help to keep us well, and we rightfully expect that at the very least they will not make us any worse.

Words can be dangerous.

But certainly the "do no harm" principle applies to all of us. What kind of society would we have if people had the freedom to hurt others at will and not suffer any consequences for doing so? We would have utter chaos.

While most people know that they shouldn't physically harm people, many people don't realize that emotional harm can be just as damaging. The saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," may be true for you, but you can't assume that other people feel the same way. Words can hurt, words can wound, and words can leave scars, just as actions can. You can apply the principle of doing no harm simply by choosing not to do or say harmful things.

This principle also applies to how you treat yourself, not just others. It's just as wrong to harm yourself as it is to harm other people. When you don't treat yourself right, you're doing harm to yourself, and you deserve better than that.

In most cases, doing no harm means simply avoiding doing or saying anything that could hurt someone. But sometimes we have to take action and prevent harm to others. For example, if you see that your friend is about to walk into an area where there is broken glass on the ground, you would rightly call out a warning. In doing this, you are preventing your friend from harm that you can see coming but that he or she can't.

Occasionally, circumstances make it impossible to avoid causing harm, so the right thing to do is to minimize the harm that we regrettably must cause. For example, if you know that it's time to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it would cause unnecessary harm to explain in detail everything you don't like about him or her, including things that the person can't change. The right approach would be to say just enough to make it clear that you don't want to continue the relationship — and leave it at that.

Life Principle #2: Make Things Better

Imagine you're at the end of your life and you're reviewing everything you've ever done. If the most you can say about your relationships with other people is that you never harmed anyone, would you really be able to say that you had lived the best life possible? That you had brought out your full potential as a human being?

It's not enough to avoid harming people. Living ethically also means doing what you can to help other people, to bring out the best in others and yourself.

This second Life Principle, "Make Things Better," is where ethics splits off from the law. That is, it's both unethical and unlawful to willfully harm another person. But the law doesn't require us to make things better. We could live our entire lives focusing on only our own needs and desires, and if we do, we haven't broken any law.

Ethics asks more of us than the law does. It invites us — and sometimes requires us — to do more than simply obey the law. Helping other people, enriching the world around us, and being good to yourself are all ways that you can fulfill Life Principle #2.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Is It Still Cheating If I Don't Get Caught?"
by .
Copyright © 2009 Bruce Weinstein.
Excerpted by permission of Roaring Brook Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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