51/50: The Magical Adventures of a Single Life

by Kristen McGuiness

Overview

That was the social experiment Kristen McGuiness-single, living in LA, and entering her thirties-embarked upon. Was she destined to be a sober secretary eating ice-cream sandwiches alone at night? She was determined not to be and decided that if the perfect guy wasn't going to walk into her life, she'd find him herself. Told in a poignant, witty, and engaging style that blends the dating life with a sense of spirituality and pathos, 51/50 is an uproarious adventure that will inspire others to follow Kristen's courageous search for love.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781593764135
Publisher:	Soft Skull Press, Inc.
Publication date:	08/24/2010
Pages:	320
Product dimensions:	9.20(w) x 11.08(h) x 0.84(d)

About the Author

Kristen McGuiness works in fundraising for a Los Angeles nonprofit serving low-income children, youth, and families. Before she was paid to spend time with four-year-olds, she worked in publishing for St. Martin’s Press, Simon & Schuster, and HarperCollins (via the office of Judith Regan), and in film as a junior creative executive. Her first screenplay, The Betty, was optioned last year. She spends her free time hanging out with horses, shamans, and people who used to drink.

Read an Excerpt

51/50

The Magical Adventures of a Single Life

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By Kristen McGuiness

Soft Skull Press

Copyright © 2010 Kristen McGuiness
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-59376-413-5

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Chapter One

Date One: First Impressions

"Do you want a cookie?" Richard points to one of the delicious, decadent pieces of heaven sitting safely behind the glass case. I do want a cookie. Desperately. But I am playing someone else tonight. I am playing the girl who doesn't want a cookie, who doesn't gorge herself on sweets, who smiles instead, and says, "No, just tea for me, please."

Bullshit. I try to be normal. I try to be the type of woman I think Richard would like. And I have to say, I'm pretty good at it. I didn't think I was going to want Richard's attentions prior to going on the date with him. In fact, I had planned on getting a pretty massive piece of cake at the café where we had agreed to meet. It's outdoors. It serves coffee and wine. It also serves cakes, and cookies, and brownies, and I like those things. It's kind of romantic without being obtusely so. It's where white people with decent jobs and Priuses go on their first date.

Historically, I am not a dater. I went on my first date when I was twenty-six and only because my boss at the time set me up with a friend of hers, and I had no other choice. High-pitched Marcus was surprised by the fact that I had made it that long without a date, but I wasn't. At one point in my life, finding a boyfriend had been easy. I would just get drunk, have a one-night stand with one of my friends, and then never leave. In some instances, I would stay in their beds for a good year or two. Sure, there were fights and fun and family vacations, and all the conventional things that come with a relationship, but none of them had actually started conventionally. I took breaks in between, and though I worried about when the next guy would appear, within eighteen months, he invariably would. That is the beauty of one's early twenties. There are so many of us who are single and looking for the starter romance that it seems as though love is always around the corner. But then people start getting married, or they come out as gay, or they settle into a bachelorhood that becomes far more interesting than any relationship, and the numbers grow slimmer as the streets between this love and the next grow farther apart.

Richard came to me by way of former co-worker Katie, which takes us back to 2006. I relapsed in 2006. It was a short three-week jaunt into what I thought was my old party life, except the old life had once been kind of fun. Instead, my relapse felt more like a bunch of naps caught between boring lines of cocaine and me vomiting in a toilet. After three weeks I was done, and I went back to being sober, and looking for a new job. The temp agency called me with my first assignment on a Friday afternoon. It was one of those moments that never leave you. The sun burns brighter, sound becomes clearer, and everything slows down because life is about to change. I would be sent to a non profit downtown which, from what I could tell, helped low-income kids of Latino descent. I would be someone's secretary, and it would pay me enough to eat.

I met Katie on my first day. We were the same age, but Katie was a manager, and I was a temporary assistant. I normally would have hated her for this. But Katie was a good egg, which is why when we recently got together to catch up, and she asked me how the love life was going, I told her the truth.

Over the last year, I had gotten rather good at posturing to the question. Bragging about my adventures and experiences and all the things that filled my life because I didn't have a boyfriend. Generally, people ignored my buoyant optimism only to respond with a handful of platitudes that annoyed me. Things like, "All in good time," "The right man will come along," and my favorite, "It happens when you least expect it." This is why I had begun acting like I was choosing singlehood in the first place. I didn't want their condescension, their suggestions, their strange, sad smiles. Because really, I can't be told I should read The Secret one more time without wanting to hit someone. But Katie didn't respond with any such nonsense because Katie's a smart girl.

"I know the perfect man for you," she told me. Alas, Richard.

People should be more careful about the photos they use to introduce themselves. Because in the photo Richard sends me, he clearly has man boobs. This was disturbing. Enough so, that after showing it to a few friends in the office, his nickname became the incredibly original and possibly trademarked "Man boob." Not a good start.

So when I walk up to the Christmas light-strewn café, I'm not sure if the relatively good-looking guy waiting there is the man in question. I don't even move to say his name just in case.

"Kristen?" he asks. I quietly exhale my sigh of relief.

Richard looks nothing like his picture. With a decent head of brown hair, and the educated style of a Northeastern boy come west, he stands a strong few inches taller than me, and I like that. For some unexplained reason, and with great Napoleon effect, there are a lot of short guys who live in L.A. It's always nice when I meet someone with whom I can wear heels.

Richard and I get our respective teas, coffees, and sweet treats (for the sir, not the lady) and sit down. We talk about writing projects and poets and yoga and where we've lived and what we want to be. Richard is half Italian, half Irish. I'm half Italian, a quarter Irish, and a quarter Hungarian, which is where we differ. Because Gypsy blood is dangerous, and Irish/Italian just makes for a good appetite. I figure this is probably why he knows of the Hungarian restaurant in the Valley I have always wanted to try, and where he invites me for a second date. I say yes, and actually am beginning to feel like that normal woman I was trying so hard to be. The type who simply hungers and does not crave.

I feel quite comfortable sitting across from this man. It's been so long since I did this-since I got to know someone a bit, got to settle into the easy banter of a nice first date. I have only been on three dates since I first got sober, and all of them were with sober men who already knew my life story.

Recovered alcoholics are a funny bunch. We very rarely respond to the question "How are you?" with "Fine." It's more like a therapy session than small talk, which is why going out on dates with them isn't always this casual. There's a joke that we tell that goes, "How do you know when a first date between two alcoholics went well?" The punch line: "They move in with each other." I have barely even used a swear word, let alone told some dirty sex story, because Richard and I are keeping up our most honest, personable, and pleasant personas. Maybe that's all he has, but either way, I am appreciating it.

Our table is right next to the street, so we're in full view of the foot traffic. And then I see my friend Ward. I call him my friend only because I lack a better word. Ward and I have hung out several times, but he still calls me Blair. Ward and I go to meetings together for said sober people. Ward is twitchy and sort of looks like Dave Navarro, if Dave Navarro were homeless. I think Ward might have a real case of Tourettes because he has a tendency to shout things out and talk to himself, but then again, so do I. At the end of the day, he can also be a really sweet guy, which is why when he recognizes me, I wave and say hello. Ward weaves and bobs his way over to our table.

"Hi. Blair."

I introduce the two men and then tell Ward I'll see him on Tuesday because that's the night we both go to the same meeting. He just nods his head and walks off in mid-sentence, muttering to himself as he heads down the street. I get the feeling that the normal cover I was trying to front here just got blown. Because most upper-middle-class, private-school girls working in nonprofits with a Honda Civic don't hang out with men like Ward. I know this, and Richard knows this.

He turns to me and asks, "What's Tuesday?"

What's Tuesday, Richard? Oh, just the place where me and my other mutant sober-hero friends get together and talk about what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I am terrible with confidentiality clauses, and so I explain it to him in nice, friendly terms. But Richard does little more than shrug. And then it hits me. Maybe this means little to him. Maybe only I care about my past and my stories and my strange associates that I think would be such a flag to the different lives I am assuming Richard and I have led.

"Do you have a sponsor?" he asks.

I laugh, "Yes, I do. Everyone should."

I like him more for that. I see how he has the sleeves of his button-down rolled up just right-how his arms are respectable, covered with a healthy amount of Italian hair. He could probably manage a grill, keep up a good conversation with the parents, and be the type of man I could trust. And I wonder whether I am at the point yet where I can be attracted to that kind of guy; whether it isn't always me insisting I don't go for the wrong ones while I continually do. Or rather that Gypsy blood is too wild for barbeque arms and a compassionate responsibility. Whether I am trustworthy when I meet someone who is willing to trust.

But at that moment, I don't feel anything but happy sitting there in the light-strewn garden with all the other Prius- and Civic-driving liberals, sipping tea and laughing about the New Yorker, and beginning to think that this might be what I was missing. Richard and I walk to our cars and hug. We confirm the next date. And though there is no kiss, no major (or even minor) overture of romance, I am giddy. Because I met someone with whom I rather enjoyed sharing a table-someone I look forward to seeing again, and who looks forward to seeing me. Someone without man boobs.

Chapter Two

Date Two: The Prince and the Talker

I fell in love with a prince when I was nineteen. This had been a dream of mine ever since I was five and read my first book, The Donkey Prince. Same story as the Frog Prince, except starring a donkey. I figured my chances were better with the ass because girls like me don't date real princes. Then again, my prince wasn't a real prince, but he was French royalty. Years after we dated, I Googled him, only to discover that he was in line to a number of long-dead titles and possibly even a throne. So I'm gonna say he was about as close to a prince as I'm ever going to get.

We called him "Frenchie" because that's what you call French people in college, and, I think, in general. I don't know what arrow struck him the day he hung out of his dorm room window and called down to me as though we were old friends. I had just become a nervous and regularly stoned sophomore at Hamilton College in upstate New York. I grew up in the better parts of Dallas, Texas, so wealth didn't necessarily intimidate me just because I didn't have it. But the wealth at Hamilton was different. There were last names that you found on buildings. And international kids with diplomatic immunity. And there was Frenchie. I met him the year before when he was dating a quiet and beautiful Turkish girl with a strange name and lots of cashmere. She graduated and upon the first week of our new year at school, I found myself looking up into the sun and seeing Frenchie calling down to me. I invited him to my birthday party that week, and we began a love affair reserved for handwritten love notes and first edition books of poetry and a relationship that ultimately took me to his family's castles in France and his mother's rather cold disapproval of the American commoner her son had dragged in.

But none of that mattered. All that mattered was that I had him. And for the first time, I understood why women take their partner's names because I wanted to be forever identified with him. I wanted to be wrapped in his orange wool turtleneck and his old French movies and the accordion he would play while riding through the hallways of his dorm on a unicycle. I loved being us. I loved being his.

Which is why when I met Phillipe on MySpace in 2004, I thought I might have found that same great French love again. From his photo, I could tell he had the same mess of curly hair as my first Frenchie, and the same big cow eyes, and that lovely pert nose that once had been such a seamless counterpart to my Italian boxer schnoz. Phillipe and I e-mailed for a bit, and then decided to take it to the phone. The conversation was the longest five minutes of my life. Phillipe had a tenuous grasp of the English language, and in the middle of the call he hurt his thumb so badly that the conversation went from awkward to irritated. I never spoke to him again, and we dropped whatever loose plans we had to meet.

When I decided to look Phillipe up again, I realized I had found myself in the Summer of Desperation 2007. After a very long and confusing volley about when and where we were going to meet, it was confirmed that we would get gelato together in the neighborhood. The phone call was no less irritating than the one we had years before, and so I quickly moved to be done with it, but Phillipe felt like talking. Phillipe liked to talk.

"So you are feeling better?" he asked.

I had been sick that week, so I replied, very slowly, because I remember in the conversation years prior, Phillipe commenting that I talk too fast.

"Yes ... I came home ... and went to ... bed ... early."

"Ah, yes, last night, I rejhnjkhf kjkheug f jkh iueyh (because I have no idea what was actually said), and I put zee key in zee door. With my backpack. And I zit down on zee couch. With my backpack, my pack is for my motorbike. And I close my eyes. And zee captain. You know, zee captain of zee sheep?"

I lay there on my bed wide-eyed. Did I miss something? Zee captain of what sheep? He lives on a sheep? Phillipe gets irritated that I am obviously not following his story. He can hear it in my silence.

"You know! Zee pirate. Zee pirate with zee sheep. Zee wheel, he stands, zee wheel, he drives zee sheep."

At this point, I am playing a silent game of charades in my head. Pirates of Penzanze! Pirates of the Caribbean! There's a pirate on TV! You're dreaming! There's a pirate in your house! But Phillipe has moved on.

"And zen, I open my eyes and it's 3:30. Zat doesn't always happen."

I don't know how to respond. I don't even know what's been said. I grasp, "You ... must ... have had ... a long ... day."

"Yes, a long day."

I hoped that it was just the phone. He is a French artist with a motorcycle and a cottage in Pasadena, and even beyond the Frenchie factor, man, do I want to be in that movie. Because ever since the Donkey Prince, even before the Donkey Prince, I have been addicted to romance. Romeo and Juliet. Tristan and Isolde. Frenchie and Kristen. These were stories I not only told myself, they were ones I was determined to live. I wanted to love at such an intensity it felt as though I might die because of it. I wanted Wagner in the background and rain on command. I wanted the great big handsome star to sweep me off my feet, to look deeply into my eyes, and tell me, "Get on zee back of my motorbike, and I will take you to zee cottage in zee woods."

After three years, and two horrible phone conversations, I show up for gelato, with my fair share of apprehension, and a little bit of hope. For the most part, Phillipe is what I expected. He is wearing a fleece because it's October now, which is kind of cold by Los Angeles standards. But under the fleece are a button-down and some sort of cravat, which looks like a bow tie meets an ascot. I dig that. I dig funky cravats, which is why I have the French fetish in the first place. Because the accent on its own can be a little annoying. We sit down, and Phillipe begins talking. Who knew someone with such a basic understanding of English could speak so much. Phillipe is probably strange even in his own country. He is obviously a bit of a loner and, admittedly, is "emancipated" from his family.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from 51/50 by Kristen McGuiness Copyright © 2010 by Kristen McGuiness. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Introduction xi

Date 1 First Impressions 1

Date 2 The Prince and the Talker 7

Date 3 Normies 13

Date 4 God and Herpes 19

Date 5 Dreaming in the Land of CHA 25

Date 6 Desperado 31

Date 7 Pie Crust Promises 39

Date 8 The Way We Are 45

Date 9 Cowboys and Peter Pan 49

Date 10 And the RAD Played On 55

Date 11 Finding Faith in Chatsworth 61

Date 12 Love is a Lot like Basketball 67

Date 13 New Beginnings 73

Date 14 Gay Uncles Give Good Heart 77

Date 15 Arrow 81

Date 16 Jakes of all Trades 87

Date 17 Cadillacs and the Two-Headed Snake 93

Date 18 The Well 99

Date 19 Ladies Angeles 105

Date 20 If It Fits 109

Date 21 The Sparkling Ribbon of Time, Act I 113

Date 22 The Schmoos 119

Date 23 That Old Dylan Song 125

Date 24 The Lies of Coco Van Dyne 131

Date 25 Otorongo 137

Date 26 My Momma's Still My Biggest Fan 143

Date 27 Revelations 149

Date 28 California Country 155

Date 29 Cinderella Does Not Smoke Marlboros 159

Date 30 The Perfect Date 165

Date 31 The Council of Butterfly Ancestors 169

Date 32 Nana 175

Date 33 The Chores of Romance 181

Date 34 Being Reese Witherspoon 187

Date 35 Fake Cannoli and Pixie Dust 193

Date 36 This Brother of My Mother 201

Date 37 High Fidelity 205

Date 38 Sober and the City 211

Date 39 The Condors of La Cañada 217

Date 40 Archetypes Away 223

Date 41 All-American Dates 227

Date 42 Beautiful People 231

Date 43 Love Will Tear Us Apart 237

Date 44 The Magic of Growing Up 241

Date 45 The Sparkling Ribbon of Time, Act II 247

Date 46 Same Story, Different People 253

Date 47 I Win 257

Date 48 The Comedy Show of Errors 261

Date 49 The Stars and the Moon 265

Date 50 La Cosa Nostra 271

Date 51 The Sparkling Ribbon of Time, Act III 277

Acknowledgments 285

Editorial Reviews

Praise for 51/50

“Dating is something every woman has to do, but it’s so much more fun to read about Kristen doing it, and living to tell about it so hilariously, than actually having to suffer through it yourself. Thank you, sister.” —Heather McDonald, comedian and author of You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again

“Never has the quest for love and sobriety seemed so hilariously poignant. A fizzy cocktail of Bridget Jones with a splash of A Million Little Pieces, Kristen McGuiness has bared her soul to give us a refreshing portrait of a young woman hell-bent on finding the perfect guy—only to find herself along the way.” —Kirsten Smith, co-screenwriter of Legally Blonde, 10 Things I Hate About You, and The Ugly Truth; author of The Geography of Girlhood

“Any woman who can go on fifty-one dates stone-cold sober is showing pluck that can’t be ignored. Kristen McGuiness has concocted a truly terrific read.” —Deanna Kizis, author of How to Meet Cute Boys and Finishing Touches

“As a woman who’s been dating in Los Angeles for five years—sober—I do miss the ‘beer goggles.’ If you aren’t using booze to get through it, baby, you better laugh, or cry. This book will have you doing both.” —Lisa Ann Walter, actress and comedian

From the Publisher