Awakening Through Menopause: An Opportunity to Transform Your Life
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Awakening Through Menopause: An Opportunity to Transform Your Life
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504338936 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 09/18/2015 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 112 |
| File size: | 311 KB |
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Awakening Through Menopause
An Opportunity To Transform Your Life
By Olivera Milojkovic
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2015 Olivera MilojkovicAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-3892-9
CHAPTER 1
NOTICING SOMETHING DIFFERENT
A SHIFT INPERSPECTIVE
One day, one mostly like any other, I woke up and went about my routine. Out of nowhere, I noticed something unusual. At first, it felt as though a feather had brushed my face. But then I also heard it, like a very faint whisper. I stared down at the meat I was preparing to cook and felt sick to my stomach. I moved away from the counter, looked around, and wondered what all this was for. It was as if someone else asked this question — as if it did not come from me. I slowly and intently looked around the room. I saw that I lived in a beautiful, big house. I cooked and baked like a professional chef with top-of-the-line appliances. However, we rarely used the dining room. My parents, who lived downstairs, rarely joined us for dinner. Even the kitchen table didn't serve as my own family's mealtime gathering place. The moment itself — and everything about it — was surreal.
This was the first of many times I noticed the weirdness of a moment, moments that felt like I was living a life that wasn't quite mine. The only familiar thing was that I had felt this way my entire life. Finally, in the middle of menopause, I was having a spiritual awakening. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I came to know what it was while devouring three hundred books, looking for answers to this mystery. From that point on, everything started to shift. Nothing was ever to be the same.
I felt such deep sadness that day. I wasn't happy anymore, even though I had what most people consider everything. It wasn't about that, though. All the material things in the world couldn't fill the hole I felt inside. I asked myself, When will there be enough accumulated material things? What happened to life and the little things that meant a lot? Are routine and materialism all there is? I used to say aloud (and believed it with all my heart) that I could be happy living in the garage. A big house, a successful business, investments, cars, and trips were all amazing things, but they were all empty without real loving connections and understanding. I yearned for the latter.
What I came to know was that not everyone shared my beliefs, nor did they value the same things in the same order. I realized then that my priorities were different from my husband's, and our values didn't match anymore. We didn't match anymore. How I viewed everything had changed dramatically. Internally, I also started hearing very loudly specific, old beliefs I still carried around in me, beliefs passed on to me by my parents and their generation. They were beliefs like, "A housewife is not valued," "You need to get a nine-to-five job for security," and "Your work is not really appreciated because it's not a real job." It felt like I had been living my life under false pretenses. Who was I, and what was real?
Feeling out of place in the middle of my life was awkward and exhilarating at the same time. My perception shifted to an entirely new level; it went straight through the roof. There was a huge inner shift. I had such profound clarity about my life as a mother, wife, and daughter. At the same time, however, I felt so lost. Two worlds were colliding, walls were falling down around me, and I was in the middle of it all, left to sort out what was real and what wasn't. I started feeling as though there were two of me, an old me and a new me. just try to imagine that you're volunteering in your church kitchen, preparing for a traditional feast one day, and the next day, you can't even see the meaning of the festivity — or even the meaning of religion. Everything and everyone seemed fake, as if they were actors putting on a show. My perception of reality shifted so much that I felt like I was taken backstage, where I was shown the truth of all things, including the truth behind the facades and masks performing onstage.
I saw so clearly, for example, how religion and spirituality were very different. Religion seemed so divided, as in my God is the real God or my religion is the true one. That made no sense to me. As far as I could see, there was only one source of all things, and all religions were tainted by the human ego and its interpretation of this source. Instead of receiving clear spiritual guidance and an understanding of how to expand my consciousness and dissolve inner fears and blockages in church, I noticed most people there seemed more concerned about prestige, politics, and who had the latest designer purse. In church, I always felt as if God and spirit took a backseat, and that bothered me a lot. So I decided to find something that suited me better, something that could feed my soul. I felt a yearning for a deeper connection to myself and life.
The way I began to gain footing again was by acting on my new feelings and listening to my own intuition. This felt right, and it felt natural. I stopped going to church functions. Instead, I connected to my own deeper self in my own way. And just to make things clear, there's nothing wrong with going to any church and participating in its activities. It is just that I never really connected with much of it to begin with so I stopped going altogether. I always tried to fit in, but I now clearly saw that it wasn't about fitting in at all. Rather, it was about finding what was right for me, even if that was not the tradition of my family or the right thing to do. With my new insights, for example, I was drawn to the Buddhists' philosophy purely because it resonated with me on some level. This doesn't mean I became one. I just read the teachings — a bit here and a bit there — and my spirit was drawn to it even more. I started connecting the bigger dots and uncovered that it is all the same at the core. It had nothing to do with whether you were any particular religion. The soul is the same in every person, in every religion, everywhere. It is the same, and that's the most important thing, not whether you do a particular dance or use a certain hand gesture. Today, I am not affiliated with any religion, but I am a highly spiritual person. To me, being spiritual means being fully who I am, living that way and being consciously aware and connected to Source, my true self, all the time. When I stepped out of my family norm is when I started going to yoga.
I was simply drawn to it, and it felt nice. Thinking of yoga makes me feel the exact opposite of how I feel when I think of church picnics and how tired I got when I had to sit for hours listening to horrible gossip. Those picnics no longer made sense to me, so I stopped going and found something that felt better (walking in nature, for example).
Things were really starting to change in my world. When I felt like having dinner at the table, I found someone who also wanted to have dinner at the table — for example, my parents. Often, my good friends and I would get together at a local market and eat there. I tried to get my own family to eat at least one meal together, but it just didn't happen, even though we all lived under one roof. Then I tried to get my family together for a meal at least once a week on Sundays, but that didn't really work either. It was more like pulling teeth than a fun, loving, and easy mealtime atmosphere. I gave up trying to change the people and situations around me and instead decided to be who I was, mind my own business, and let everyone else be in theirs. And you know what? It worked. You know how I know? I felt better, and everyone else did too (pulling teeth just isn't fun).
GENERATIONAL PATTERNING
It was morning. I turned off my alarm and got up as usual, stretched my body, rubbed my eyes, and quietly made my way to the bathroom. I then made the bed, got dressed, and put up my hair. I opened the shades and windows, and I looked outside to check the weather. The air was so brisk and refreshing. It was another beautiful morning. I walked down the stairs after passing the guest room and my daughter's room. She hadn't gotten up yet because her alarm was set to ring after mine. I peeked in and saw her sleeping. There's such a magical feeling in watching your child sleep. I stood there for just a few minutes, soaking in the sweetness of the moment, and continued downstairs to the kitchen. I made a blueberry smoothie, walked to the living room window, and looked out into the yard where I watched a deer eating some grass. I thought about all the things I would do that day, and in doing so, I realized I hadn't heard my daughter get up yet. Sometimes, I would hear the water running or her footsteps, but not this morning. So I went to the staircase and called out her name. She answered only after I had called her name three or four times, and she said she was awake. I drank some more smoothie, checked to see if the chicken I had put in the fridge to thaw had defrosted, opened the vegetable drawer to make sure I had everything I needed for dinner, and started preparing breakfast for my daughter. I loved baking. I would often bake many pastries and freeze them, so there were always pastries in the freezer. It was really convenient. My daughter liked to take hers and eat it on the way to school. As I took out a pastry for her, I noticed that it was almost time to leave the house and drive her to school, but she still hadn't come downstairs. This had become the new normal morning routine, and it was becoming annoying and problematic. She was a teenager, able to wash her own clothes and do her own homework, but waking up on time was still a problem. So I went upstairs to see if she was awake. She was sound asleep.
I remember standing in the doorway, feeling anxious, tight, irritable, and angry. A kind of pressure was grabbing my head and wrapping around my shoulders. I felt so hopeless, as if I were spinning out of control. I had tried so many ways to solve this problem, and that day, I decided to do something I had never done before. I just let her sleep. All of a sudden, in the same moment I made that decision, all the pain left my body. There was no headache, no pressure, no nothing — just a wonderful release of all tension. I went back downstairs and continued on with my day. It was the most freeing feeling. It was a first.
At some point, my daughter woke up and realized she was late for school. She was confused when I said that she was staying home. I told her that if she didn't want to go to school, it was OK. The next day, we would go to school together, and she could tell them why she hadn't come to school. At first, she thought I was joking, but I wasn't. I continued. I told her it was okay with me if she repeated the grade, and it was okay with me if she repeated the grade a few times. No problem. I said that I was sad to think that all her friends would be moving on to other grades and other schools while she would still be trying to get up to go to the same classes over and over again. I told her that as a parent, it was my responsibility to make sure she was enrolled in school, but if she didn't want to go, I would take her to school so she could explain her feelings to the school's authorities. From the look on her face, I could see she was in shock, confused, and panicky, but after her shock wore off and she saw that I was completely serious about the whole thing, we came to an agreement. She said she was going to continue going to school on time, and I said I would wake her only once after her alarm went off. If she kept sleeping after I called her name, I would not drive her to school. She would be absent that day, and she would have to make up all missed schoolwork. And so it was. Getting up got better. On some days, she would not get up, and on those days, I would remind her that she had only a certain number of absent days. After she had used them, she would have to maybe go to summer school and/or repeat the entire grade. I also told her that if she continued to miss school, we would probably not be going on a winter vacation to the tropics because we wouldn't be able to take her out of school a few days earlier for that trip like always. That's when she decided to get up more often than not, and getting up in the morning became her normal routine. Even more than that, she realized what she really wanted — to pass the grade and move on with all her friends. And so she did.
Instead of becoming angry, irritated, and frustrated at myself and her, and instead of yelling, screaming, bickering, bargaining, threatening, and power playing, I found a better way. I don't know how it is for everyone, but I was raised with some amount of fear, and there were threats, pleading, judgments, comparisons, and power plays. None of it felt good, and I was left feeling as though the world were an awful, unfair place where I had no say, no choice, and no control over my life. Even at a young age, I felt helpless and disempowered. Yes, my mom was very loving and kind, but I still didn't want to get up for school, practice the piano, or do many other things she wanted me to do. My parenting skills were based largely on how I was brought up. Watching my parents and being on the receiving end of that, I parented in a very similar way. Until this point, I thought this was the right way to parent.
The day I stood in the doorway of my daughter's room, trying to wake her up for who knows how many times, in one moment, I realized I was exactly like my mother. It felt like somebody had slapped me hard. While calling my daughter's name, I actually heard my voice speaking my mother's words and felt the feelings I had felt as a child on the receiving end of those words. I then felt the frustration she must have felt. I felt it all in that single moment. This was my big aha moment, and the turning point in my attitude toward myself as a parent, my attitude toward my child as the receiver of my parenting, and the end to the unnecessary generational agony of it all. Right there, I realized it wasn't about me, and it wasn't about my child. It was about truth. It was about seeing and saying what is. It was about choice. It wasn't about screaming and punishing. Rather, it was about empowering her, showing her what power she has, and showing her how she always has a choice. It's up to her. All decisions and choices have different outcomes. We live in a completely normal world of cause and effect — not punishment and blame. If we are the products of what we have been taught, then my daughter will pass on choice and cause and effect instead of fear, judgment, and blame.
By becoming aware my own choices and my passed-down, learned behavior in parenthood and deciding to change that generational patterning by shifting to a new paradigm, something so much more profound changes. When we change our learned patterning, we are changed, our children are changed, and the world is changed.
NOTICE
You are much more than just your physical body. You are composed of an emotional, mental, and spiritual body as well. Oftentimes, you don't even pay attention to your state of being. And the times you do notice something, you often dismiss it and think, Oh it's nothing, Whatever it is, it'll go away, or even Oh, I should go to the doctor immediately and get this fixed.
When you begin noticing in an entirely new way, when you begin paying attention with heightened awareness, you come to know yourself in a completely new way. Knowing yourself is the key to everything. Some traditions teach that each organ corresponds to a certain emotion. This can give you an opportunity to view your pains and problems in a different way instead of in the conventional way you've known until now. Your body continuously speaks to you, and your part is to pay attention so that you can hear what it is saying. The more you pause and adjust how you listen, the better you get at understanding the messages it is sending.
It is good to notice what feels good, makes you happy, and fills you with joy and excitement. In the same way, notice your body and what you feel when you are doing something that doesn't feel right. You have a compass inside of you — a kind of navigation if you will — that guides you. The problem is that most people don't pay attention to it. For example, you may get an uneasy feeling but still go ahead with whatever is in front of you. This is your body's way of telling you to change course.
Pay attention when an emotion comes up — be it prompted by another person or some situation — stay with it, and feel it fully. Don't try to push it to the side. Feelings speak to you. How will you hear the message if you tuck it away, ignore it, or even self-medicate as a way to avoid dealing with it? Whatever emotion surfaces is doing so for a reason, and it needs your attention. When you are present, patient with yourself, and willing enough, you can hear what the message is. Many emotions may be dealt with in this way. Some of you go through a lot of suffering before you hear what's there. There's no need to suffer and stay stuck. Emotional and mental states are so closely intertwined that the longer you deny, suppress, and fail to acknowledge your emotions, the greater mental pain you create. When an emotion comes up and you notice it, stay with it and follow its trail. Be still, feel it, and see where it leads. At first, it may be unpleasant or uneasy to stay in this space, but try it. The results may surprise you. Trust me — you have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Awakening Through Menopause by Olivera Milojkovic. Copyright © 2015 Olivera Milojkovic. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
INTRODUCTION Stepping through the Door, ix,ONE – NOTICING SOMETHING DIFFERENT,
TWO – FINDING YOUR WAY,
THREE – BEING SUPPORTED,
FOUR – HERE & THERE,
FIVE – CHANGES,
SIX – ALLOWING & VULNERABILITY,
SEVEN – SELF SYNCHRONIZATION,
EIGHT – REVELATIONS,
A Few Closing Thoughts, 89,
Inspiration and Daily Reminders, 91,
Books, 93,
About the Author, 97,