Child Custody: Building Parenting Agreements That Work

by Mimi E. Lyster, Martin Stein (Illustrator), Spencer Sherman (Editor)

Overview

Dealing with custody and visitation issues during separation or divorce doesn't have to feel overwhelming! Child Custody presents a step-by-step method for overcoming the obstacles and putting together a parenting agreement that everyone--especially the children--can live with. Readers learn how to: minimize conflict- identify a child's needs and concerns- use strategies that will help them negotiate effectively- accommodate the special needs of nontraditional families- use state-by-state charts to get an overview of custody laws- and much more.Checklists and worksheets, as well as a fill-in-the-blank custody agreement are included.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780873375214
Publisher:	NOLO
Publication date:	04/01/2001
Edition description:	Older Edition
Pages:	264
Product dimensions:	8.37(w) x 10.87(h) x 0.58(d)

Read an Excerpt

Introduction

Before getting started on your parenting plan, you should understand the context in which your parenting decisions will be made.

You Are Not Alone

For the last quarter of a century, the expectation that two people would meet, marry, raise a family and grow old together has changed. Studies over the past 10 years have confirmed that couples who divorce will be most likely to do so after about seven years of marriage, and that two-thirds of these divorcing families will include at least one child under the age of six. Statistics also show that more than a million children each year for the past 25 years have lived through a divorce.

Other researchers have commented on the changing structure of the family. During the last 35 years, the divorce rate has quadrupled and births outside of marriage have increased by 22%. Many families relocate every few years, which deprives these families of the benefits of living close to extended family. Researchers predict that nearly half of all babies born today will spend some time living in a one-parent family. A family in which biological parents stay together and raise their children is now only true for about one-third of all couples. The new reality is that most parents will never marry, will marry and later divorce or will create their families through artificial insemination or adoption.

Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children

You and your children's other parent are about to undertake a difficult but very important project: making decisions about your parenting arrangements that will be the best possible ones for your children. Of course, it may be hard to separate the desire to have nothing more to do with your ex from the task at hand. After all, separation and divorce exist to solve adult problems, not meet children's needs.

Even if your separation or divorce will be better for your children in the long run, for the short term, most children feel that things are worse. Divorce or separation can shake a child's confidence that he or she will continue to be loved, cared for and safe. This is true even when children understand the reasons behind the decision.

You and the other parent can help your children by using this book to develop an agreement that focuses on meeting your children's individual needs. The more attention you pay to those needs, the more likely you are to build an agreement that works for all of you.

You and the other parent must honestly assess your relationship as parents and your ability to work together. To keep your agreement focused on your children, you must be willing to trust each other and set aside your anger, frustration and pain, at least for a while. If you've just separated, you may think it will be impossible to trust and cooperate with the other parent. Most find, though, that trustful and cooperative relationships usually evolve over time. (See Section C, below.) One of the most effective strategies for moving toward this kind of relationship is to build on points of agreement until you have crafted a comprehensive parenting plan.

Table of Contents

	Introduction
A.	Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible	2
B.	Parenting Issues and Financial Issues	2
C.	Why This Book Is Unique	3
D.	A Word to Skeptics	4
E.	So, You Just Want to Fight!	4
F.	Icons Used in This Book	6
1	Taking Stock of Your Situation
A.	You Are Not Alone	2
B.	Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children	2
C.	Know That It Gets Easier Over Time	3
D.	Learn How to Negotiate	4
E.	If the Other Parent Is Absent	5
F.	If There Is Violence or Abuse in the Family	5
2	An Introduction to Parenting Agreements
A.	What Parenting Agreements Cover	2
B.	Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements	2
C.	Goals of a Successful Parenting Agreement	3
D.	Parenting Agreements and Custody	4
3	Preparing to Build Your Parenting Agreement
A.	Organize and Review All Pertinent Documents	2
B.	Take Stock of Your Relationship With Your Children	2
4	How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement
A.	Knowing What You Need and Want	3
B.	Understanding What Gets in the Way	5
C.	Using Effective Negotiation and Problem Solving Strategies	9
D.	Breaking Through Impasses	13
E.	Knowing Where to Get Help and Support	17
5	Building Your Parenting Agreement
A.	What Works in Building a Parenting Agreement	3
B.	Complete the Parenting Agreement	4
6	Parenting Agreements and Money
A.	Understanding Child Support	2
B.	Understanding Alimony or Spousal Support	4
C.	Negotiating Child and Spousal Support	6
D.	Dividing Jointly Owned Property	7
7	Making Mediation and Arbitration Work for You
A.	How Mediation Works	2
B.	Why Mediation Works	2
C.	Proposing Mediation	3
D.	Understanding Basic Mediation Techniques	4
E.	Why Mediation Works in Very Difficult Cases	7
F.	What Mediators Don't Do	9
G.	Choosing Between Court-Ordered and Private Mediation	9
H.	When the Mediator Makes a Recommendation to the Court	10
I.	Custody Evaluations	11
J.	Selecting a Mediator	11
K.	Preparing for Mediation	12
L.	If You Can't Reach an Agreement	13
M.	Alternatives to Mediation	13
8	Dealing With Changes in Your Existing Agreements
A.	Why Changes Are Necessary--And What You Can Do About Them	2
B.	When You Are the One Initiating Change	3
C.	When You Are the One Responding to a Request for Change	4
D.	When Tensions Are Running High	5
E.	What to Do After You Negotiate the Changes	5
9	Understanding Your Children's Needs
A.	Strategies for Your Children At Any Age	2
B.	Strategies for Your Children at Different Ages and Developmental Stages	5
C.	Strategies for Children With Special Needs	8
10	Multiracial, Multicultural and International Families
A.	Accommodating Differences in Child-Rearing Practices	2
B.	Encouraging Children to Celebrate the Traditions of Both Parents	2
C.	Sorting Out the Role of Power Within the Family	3
D.	Working Within the American Legal System	3
E.	Deciding If Another Country Has Authority Over Parenting (Custody) Issues	4
11	Nontraditional Families
A.	What Are Nontraditional Families?	2
B.	The Legal Relationship of a Nontraditional Parent and His or Her Children	2
C.	Recognizing the Nontraditional Parent's Role	6
D.	Resolving Conflict in a Way That Meets Your Family's Needs	6
E.	Creating New Relationships After the Divorce or Separation	7
12	State and Federal Laws Affecting Child Custody
A.	Custody and Visitation	2
B.	Best Interests of the Child	3
C.	Mediation	7
D.	Interference With Custody	9
E.	Interstate Custody Disputes	10
F.	International Custody Disputes	11
G.	Custody and the IRS	12
13	Help Beyond the Book
A.	Researching Legal Issues	2
B.	Researching Nonlegal Issues	4
C.	Research on the World Wide Web	4
D.	Finding Professionals Who Can Help	5
E.	Additional Resources	9
F.	Bibliography	11
Appendix	Tear-Out Forms
Worksheet 1	Describe Your Child
Worksheet 2	Describe Your Relationship With Your Child
Worksheet 3	Adding the Details
Worksheet 4	Checklist of Issues for Your Parenting Agreement
	Parenting Agreement
	Index

Editorial Reviews

...takes you through the nitty-gritty of arranging custody...

American Baby

...clear, practical advice on identifying everyone's concerns, and strategies for effective negotiations.

New York Daily News

Ms. Lyster... has isolated 40 common issues and battlefield-tested suggestions for resolving them.

Dallas Morning News