Read an Excerpt
"DEAR CHILDREN", A Manual for Adult Children of Divorce
25 Year Study of Spirituality and Overcoming the Effects of Divorce; Healing the World
By William Hinckley
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2012 William Hinckley
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5316-0
Chapter One
Life Before Birth
Dear Children,
When I was a child no one told me where I came from before I was born. Obviously, I didn't have the mental maturity at that age to comprehend even if someone would have taken the time to sit down and explain the concept of creation and the spiritual connection that we all have. While growing up, I heard a simple story about a stork that happened to drop off newborns from the sky. For such an important question of life, I think we do a rather poor job of understanding let alone explaining this to our children. I think in many ways, parents become desensitized to the whole miracle of birth from the sleepless nights and endless number of diaper changes – the insomnia and stress somehow makes them forget that this miraculous event could have only occurred through some act of faith.
Modern day science has advanced by untold leaps and bounds in our understanding of embryology, DNA, chromosomes and genetics, but while fascinating us with the process of cellular development and genetic trait determination, it has fallen short in defining the romance between the soul and the human body. With our enhanced understanding of neural connections and synaptic chemical transfer defining the cognitive process in the brain, we have almost come to convince ourselves that this human body is nothing more than certain elements from the periodic table and that it is self-operated rather than directed in life.
The reason I want to start talking about life before birth is because this is where we really all begin. Our life as a soul, an energy, an intention or life force - whatever you want to call it – our life began eternities before this planet earth ever existed. When I look out at the stars and the great expanse of the universe and galaxy, I am in awe of the astounding display of stars that we have identified and organized into constellations. Back when I was a child, the big excitement of the day was when the Apollo mission landed on the moon. It was a mind-blowing event – to have a man leave planet earth and walk on the surface of the circular orb suspended in space. And the immortalized word of Neil Armstrong, the American astronaut who took that first step and declared, "One small step for man, one large step for mankind". I remember so clearly watching this event on television as the astronauts stepped out of their capsule and actually walked on the surface of the moon. It was particularly revealing to see pictures of the Apollo space shuttle with the image of the earth in the background. Seeing pictures of the earth from the moon made a great impression on my life at that early age – and it would be a lasting image that I would revisit time and again. It's an impression that has since helped me to further understand our existence and purpose for being here. Today, we have advanced light years ahead of that first event. Now we have the ability to launch and land space shuttles to Mars and beyond. We push these transport units into space in order to accomplish various missions, from placing communication satellites into orbit around the earth to building space stations for human inhabitants and advancing our understanding of the universe through scientific experiments.
Now that space travel is familiar, and launching shuttles is no longer the miraculous event it was in 1964, such events have almost desensitized us to our miraculous existence within space. Religions have evolved over time to explain the concept of God as a creator, but I would like to exclude comparing which doctrine or theology is most accurate and whether science or mythology has played a role in our understanding of human existence. I am sure there are many scholars with books written to prove or disprove one philosophy over another. This book is my attempt to share my understanding. I have been on a spiritual journey my entire life. This has included taking part in various religions and studying the philosophy of many beliefs including Christianity, Judaism, Islamic, Muslim, Buddhist, Shintoist, Hinduism and other non-mainstream spiritual organizations that are attempting to teach people about our existence and the moral obligations that we have while living in this world. My belief is that all religions contain truth - however, there is only one truth that God abides by. God is God whether in the form of energy to some, a physical being to another, a spirit, a mountain, an ancestor, a prophet or however a religion may define the existence of God. In whatever form a civilization or religion may believe to be their God, we must respect all cultures and their associated beliefs about who they are and where they came from to now exist on this planet called earth. I have come to understand that God is a Supreme Soul that eminates energy throughout the universe and galaxies to infinity. This energy has no beginning and no end and has no measures with respect to time. God has existed for eternity as we have. The concepts of infinity and eternity may not be comprehensible by our finite minds which are limited to time. My discussion on this topic is outlined only to help you understand who your Creator is and not to delve into a discussion beyond this as that would require another book - perhaps several. One day, we will understand more, but there are many things that God has purposely kept from us so that our objective in life would not be distracted.
It was from this Soul Energy that God took part of himself and created a separate soul entity. This energy may be called intelligence, intention or spirit - whatever your terminology may be or belief may define it to be. The key point is that I don't want you to get caught up in semantics so much as to comprehend the common root essence of the fact that God created you from the very same energy that He himself is made of.
Dr. Wayne Dyer has identified Soul or Intention in his book, "The Power of Intention". Dr. Dyer outlines that the characteristics of Beauty, Creativity, Kindness, Love, Unlimited Abundance, Ever Expanding and Receptivity explain the nature of this intention energy described as God and the characteristics He portrays in all that He creates into existence. In other words, God has Intention to create within the realm of this energy that defines God and as we align ourselves with these seven faces of intention, we, in fact, align ourselves with the power of God. In the Holy Bible there are verses of scripture that talk about becoming one mind, might and strength with God. Because I grew up in the Christian culture, I will attempt to draw parallels to some of its teachings while I am sure that a Buddhist or Muslim could also find examples of this concept in the realm of their doctrine. Jesus taught people that He was here on earth to do the will of His Father. Jesus lived His life so as to create what his Father in Heaven would have Him create or do. Dr. Dyer has explained in his book that when we align our desires and become in tune with Intention or God, we can also co-create the world that we live in. I will explain this more in detail in the last chapter of the book, "Putting It All Together".
The main take-home message that I am trying to point out is for you to get a clear understanding of who you are. There are two ways in which we can look at our human experience. You can decide that you are either a Human Being having a limited Spiritual Experience, limited within a specific time frame of an eternal existence. Or you can see yourself as a Spiritual Being having a limited Human Experience. Considering your existence upon this earthly school is for a short 60-100 years in the timeline of eternity, the significance that we place on this existence in relation to eternity could define or distort our very purpose for existence. The reason that I am covering this in the first chapter of the book is so that you can clearly understanding where you came from and the relative significance of this pre-existence and post-existence based on your limited earthly experience. I also want to use this as a platform so that you may gain some insight into the issues of divorce and dysfunction that I experienced as a child. It is essential to start with a clear understanding of who you are and what you were exposed to as children. I will also help you understand how not receiving love and regard as a child may have affected your soul and it's capabilities to make decisions and choices throughout your life. Furthermore, I will describe what you can do to nurture this new soul as it grows from youth, into adulthood and eventual parenthood. I am taking you on a journey into the abyss where my life as a new soul born to earth became crushed. It fills me with dismay and sadness to know how a soul that is created by a God, the Supreme Power, can come into a world where separation, ill-treatment, and neglect can completely ruin the life of a child that is so innocent and helpless. It is my intention to describe to you what happens in divorce and how it destroys the essence of a soul's very purpose for being here on earth. I will also describe how to identify the dysfunctions that have developed from this experience so that you may correct the characteristics that have developed as a survival mode in the absence of love and regard.
Chapter Two
Childhood
Dear Children,
I was born April 15th, 1959 in Claresholm, Alberta, Canada to Ila Mae Jarvis and Robert Blair Hinckley. Grandparents of both sides of my family emigrated from the United States to homestead in Canada in the early 1900's. My parents had both previously married and divorced. There was one step-sister from my mom's previous marriage and two stepbrothers from my father's previous marriage but both boys had died in infancy. Two older brothers also preceded me five and eight years earlier, respectively, making me the youngest of four children. What follows from here is an outline of the conditions that I grew up in and events that where significant to affect my soul and the feelings of trauma and distress that contributed to my future malfunctions. I will also outline some thoughts on what would have been a healthier solution to the situation that could have likely assisted in preventing many of the ill side effects that I developed as a result of these family conditions.
I don't recall a lot about my childhood but I do know that there were many more bad things that happened than good. My parents were married in 1951 at which time my stepsister was five years old. I came along eight years later and according to my sister there was much verbal and emotional mistreatment that occurred between my father and mother. My sister mentioned that when my parents fought verbally, she would take me and my brothers to another part of the house so we wouldn't be exposed to the noise and intense emotional exchanges, which I'm sure scared us as little children. I do remember on one occasion where I was sitting on my mother's knee and she was arguing with my father and my father was shouting at her while holding a butcher knife in his hand. I recall feeling that the anger was directed at me rather than at my mother who was behind me. It became a lasting image and sentiment that I carried well beyond that moment. When I was six years old I witnessed my mother's clothes packed and waiting on the front step at our farmhouse. She was to find them when she came home from the hair salon business which she had recently started. From this point on, I was traded back and forth between parents. At eight years of age my mother made the decision to marry someone she had met. She sent me back to the farm where my two brothers lived and sold her business and promptly moved away from me. She felt that I would be better off growing up in a relationship with my brothers than alone as an only child far away from them. The result of these decisions meant that I would barely have any contact with her for several years going forward. The other frightening reality was being dumped back on a farm where my emotionally and verbally abusive father was trying to run the operation while being a single parent to three children. Rather than go into details about the conditions of cruelty, I will expand on how this affected me. Many of these living conditions exist in homes of divorce, along with addictions and neglect. I believe all such circumstances are intertwined into developing ill-treatment that will affect the life of children exposed to these, particularly when they are quite young - between the ages of three to twelve. These are very vulnerable years for a child, a time when they are expected to be protected and nurtured with love and regard. But in cases of abandonment, rejection, addiction, neglect, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse - children develop survival techniques in order to protect themselves against this hurt and pain. Survival techniques are not limited to the childhood and adolescent years of course – they are often amplified and shape the young adult and become detrimental to future relationships.
I came to understand about these shortcomings more than thirty years after I had initially developed them as a means to survive. When I look back on my life as a teenager, young adult and eventual adult at a time when I would marry and begin my own family, I recognized the dysfunctional way in which I conducted my life. I know that these faults are not exclusive to my experience, so it is my hope that through greater awareness many people will recognize the reactions that may be associated with the initial event and can make changes that lead to a better lifestyle or in the very least to get professional counseling to overcome these challenges.
At six years old, and a child back on the farm, I felt let down in many ways. First of all, when my mother moved out of the family home her first instinct was to take me with her. She was not initially able to remove me from the farm when she gathered her clothes and personal items. So she came back later and pulled me into a car while I was playing outside with my next oldest brother. This closest sibling also had feelings of being left behind and was hurt by the fact that he had been abandoned by our mother taking me but not him. I was glad to see my mother again, and to be with her, but I also felt sad that my brothers and father would be left behind and I would be unable to see them. I don't remember too many of the details but I do recall that in the next two years I had very little contact with my brothers or my father. That act of wrenching me away from both of my brothers and my father likely left scarring impressions on them as well.
When I was eight my mother remarried and I was sent back to the farm and once again felt abandoned and rejected by my mother. I had somehow become a foreigner to my father and siblings and was subject to all sorts of verbal and emotional abuse. And for the following eight years of living on the farm I learned to mistrust, lie, people-please, control and to live in a lot of fear because of the constant conflict that occurred. One of the other most significant things that grew out of this experience was my ego and the feeling that if I could just have a successful family, unlike my parents, I would be successful in my life. You will later see how my blemished childhood contributed to the demise of the marriages I would later enter into.
I was extremely hurt by my parents' separation. That special bond of the united family that we are all familiar with before we come to this earth was completely shattered. There was no peace, love or harmony in our family home that I remember, only fighting and quarreling. After my parents divorced I came to mistrust people, particularly if I believed they were going to withdraw from their association to me. This lack of trust is the essence of why such conflict is challenging for children of divorce. These children experienced two parents have opposing views and the end result was separation of the family. The aspect of parents having different ideas is not damaging, but it is the association of divorce and separation that is connected to it as pointed out by Judith Wallerstein. I used to be very fearful of conflict in my marriage because I felt there was an underlying agenda which would end up in a divorce and I would lose my wife and children. I carried this fear into other parts of my life as well and it is interesting to note that division would also occur in friendships and other associations such as jobs. I recall getting very nervous about having conflicting discussions with employers and left feeling that I would lose my job and that is exactly what occurred. We manifest what we think - and because this scenario was on my mind, and the fear of losing my job was at the forefront of thought, rather than thinking of being successful and happy, I created the job loss as a self-fulfilling prophecy. This disconnection with work played out much like the marital divorces that I went through. Even when friendships didn't work out, I tended to discard them like trash rather than just acknowledge that there are differences of opinion and accept those differences with respect. This type of bridge burning eventually left me feeling alone with no one to turn to. Children of divorce are often not well equipped in understanding how to deal with conflict and accept it as a normal part of life. These children tend to lack the skill to be accepting of differences and able to work through relationships without incurring any long term damage to their overall conditions.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from "DEAR CHILDREN", A Manual for Adult Children of Divorce by William Hinckley Copyright © 2012 by William Hinckley. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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