Read an Excerpt
Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook
Knowing the Person You're Going to Marry
By Jerry D. Hardin, Dianne C. Sloan Thomas Nelson
Copyright © 2016 Jerry D. Hardin, MSMFT, and Dianne C. Sloan, MSMFT
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-7180-3497-9
CHAPTER 1
SESSION 1
LOVING YOU
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Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is one of the most meaningful, yet confusing, words in the English language. When spoken, shared, or received, love creates joy in the hearts of us all. Yet defining the word love or explaining it fully seems to be a task with which we all struggle.
Webster defines love as affection, an emotion, a sharing, a commitment — even as a definition of itself. We can love our God, our spouse, our car, our golf game, our friends; we can be in love or out of love. You and your spouse-to-be have experienced part of this entity called love or you would not be reading this book.
Because the English language has so many definitions for the one word love, we have distinguished three types: emotional-love, friendship-love, and commitment-love.
EMOTIONAL-LOVE
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The feelings of "being in love," which at times predominate over rational thought.
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Our feelings of love are conditional, and feelings can change.
For as long as humankind has existed, we have experienced emotional-love. We have dreamed about it, talked about it, sung about it, written poetry to express it, and, in recent years, acted it out in the movies and on television. Emotional-love, or "being in love," can best be described as passion and is like no other feeling we know. In fact, the feeling of being in love is probably what has brought you and your spouse-to-be to engagement.
We communicate emotional-love through our senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. The couples we see in premarital counseling frequently hold hands, kiss, and hug. They talk of music, words, and moments that belong only to them. Their looks and touches send a clear message: "I am in love with you!"
Being in love is a God-given emotion that belongs in a marriage relationship, but many couples consider this feeling of love as the only basis for their marriage. The reality is that feelings come and go Emotions can be lighted, like a fire The more you fan the fire, the more it grows But a fire quickly flickers and goes out if not attended. A fire needs fuel, care, attention, and air so it may breathe and continue to burn This feeling of love we have in our relationship also needs to be cared for if it is to continue nourishing our relationship.
Many couples who have been married for some time tell us that their honeymoon is over — that the feeling of love has grown faint or has even left the relationship. They may have reached the point of saying, "I don't love you anymore!" What they're really saying is, "I don't feel loving toward you any longer!" They have not attended to their fire This emotional love in a marriage relationship is responsive. You must give to receive and receive to give.
Couples who consider being in love as the only basis for marriage will often divorce when their emotions wane. They think they've lost their marriage because they've lost their feelings for one another. A marriage based on feelings alone is destined to fail.
These feelings of love, which have attracted you and your spouse-to-be to one another and are helping you to begin bonding before marriage, are the special God-given joys of an intimate sexual relationship after marriage. An intimate sexual relationship within your marriage will fan the flame of your feelings and nourish your relationship. But sometimes problems come when couples engage in sexual intercourse before marriage. Stimulating the senses this way can heighten your feelings so you fail to see that friendship-love and commitment-love will hold your marriage together when your feelings change. Misused, the fire that warms and comforts you can burn and hurt you.
Without the wonderful feelings of being in love, you would never enter an intimate relationship. But your marriage cannot be based on feelings alone. When you hear one person saying to another, "I think I am falling in love with you," you can be sure "rational thinking" had very little to do with the process.
Remember your years as a teenager and young adult. Undoubtedly, you had times when you had strong feelings or attraction to another person. Some of those feelings could be called "puppy love," while others may have been more serious, but all were degrees of being in love Would you have married all of those people? Of course not! Should you marry now based solely on those feelings? Of course not!
Take the time before you marry to be sure that the sweetheart you now choose will be your sweetheart after the next thirty years and more of marriage You will need to separate your feelings of love from your thoughts about love. Your ability to make this separation is a key element of both friendship-love and commitment-love.
FRIENDSHIP-LOVE
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The intimate and affectionate support of one another.
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A friend is your needs answered and your life shared.
Friendship-love is the heartbeat of a happy, healthy, and well-functioning marriage. Within a marital relationship, each spouse should be able to grow and develop. As each spouse grows, your relationship will be strengthened. And as your relationship grows, so will you grow as an individual. Together, you create something new and become more than you can be alone.
A friendship is a nurturing relationship born when two people receive love from one another, and it grows and becomes stronger as each person gives to the other As you give to and share with your friend, the bond between the two of you is strengthened. You can value the love of a friend above all things. When your spouse is your friend and companion for life, your marriage will be a blessing to you both.
Friends enjoy being together. Not only do you take time for your friends but you also make time for them. Everyone has 168 hours each week. How you use those hours says a lot about your values and priorities You may tell me that you love me and say I am the most important part of your life, but if you spend every moment of your time on the golf course or with others, then I'll wonder how important I am to you.
Friends possess a mutual trust that allows them to be vulnerable with one another. You trust friends with more than your secrets — you trust them with your very life With your friends, you share your hopes, dreams, joys, and victories, as well as your doubts, fears, sorrows, and failures.
Because you can trust a friend not to intentionally harm you, you can freely play together You don't have to guard or protect yourself, so you can really be you You can be spontaneous and relate without pretense This freedom creates an environment for healthy communication.
A friend is your needs answered and your life shared. Here we see a joining of emotions and rational thinking. This friendship-love is a picture of reciprocity in its truest form. You choose to care because of what you learn about each other, what you share with each other; you choose to share your lives. You possess a mutual concern for the well-being of the other.
Friendship-love helps you love your spouse as your companion, someone with whom you will journey through life, someone to care for and someone who will care for you. As a friend and companion, you talk with your spouse, you listen to him or her, you take an interest in who your spouse is. You value your spouse's opinion and perspective.
Value is the key word to describe the way you feel about your partner when you love him or her with friendship-love. How much do you value your spouse-to-be? Do you enjoy being with him or her? Do you make time to be together? Is your spouse-to-be the most important person in the world to you? Can you share your life with each other?
You care for what you value. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21).
COMMITMENT-LOVE
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A pledge binding one to another.
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A covenant for the rest of your life, faithful and permanent: that is commitment-love.
God loves His people with a devotion that says, "I love you because you are you, not because of what you do or how I feel, but because of who you are." When you marry, you vow to love your spouse as God loves you, with commitment-love You tell your mate, "I am here, and I'll always be here, faithful and permanent You can count on me!"
Commitment-love establishes a covenant between two persons — a pledge binding one to the other — of everlasting certainty and stability. The difficulty of entering into this type of relationship is the same difficulty we have of entering into a relationship with God To be in a covenant relationship, you must accept that you are no longer your own You belong to someone, and someone belongs to you. We convey this in our wedding vows: "I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband!"
Belonging in a marriage is created through commitment. We all need a sense of belonging, but not to the point of losing ourselves. An important task of marriage is to balance our need for togetherness with our need to retain our uniqueness . We become more than ourselves as we come together with our mates. But each of us still possesses our own unique self. There is now you, me, and we. In the eyes of God and the world, the "we" becomes a new creation in marriage.
The lighting of the unity candle in the marriage ceremony illustrates this new creation Two lighted candles, representing the bride and the groom, stand at either side of a large unlighted candle The bride and the groom each take a lighted candle and, together, light the center candle The flames unite to create a new flame The woman and man then return their candles, still lighted, to the stands Three candles are now lighted The woman and the man remain separate but, in marrying, have become one.
When you marry, you and your mate join together in a covenant relationship that cannot be separated any more than one of you could recover your part of the flame from the unity candle This covenant leaves no room for the words, "I don't love you anymore!" Instead, you promise to love unconditionally; that is, you promise to give even if you don't receive. You make your husband or wife part of you and pledge to remain devoted to him or her.
A covenant for the rest of your life, faithful and permanent: that is commitment-love. Unchanging and God-like, it will preserve your marriage with certainty and stability.
Choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone is probably the most important decision you will ever make. You need to enter this covenant freely and willingly If you feel trapped or coerced into making this commitment, resentment will build and your commitment will be difficult to keep. So stop. Look deep within your heart and answer the questions, "Am I ready to make a lifetime commitment to this person I am about to marry? Am I ready to commit to be wholly his or wholly hers, faithful and permanent?" If you answer yes — if you are ready to make a commitment founded on rational thinking, not just an emotional response to being in love — then your marriage will last.
SUMMARY
In your upcoming marriage, nothing is more important than to love and be loved and to understand what that means. Enter into marriage only if you are freely and willingly choosing to love your partner with commitment-love. With this God-like love, you covenant to devote your life to your spouse. You say, "You are wholly mine, and I am wholly yours!" You promise to always be there, faithful and permanent, even when you don't feel loving toward your mate. Commitment-love makes you one with your spouse and gives you the certainty and stability of knowing your marriage will last.
Although commitment-love is what makes a marriage last, friendship-love is what makes it healthy, happy, and well functioning. Friendship-love fosters the open and honest sharing necessary for good communication between you and your spouse You listen to, care for, and choose to spend time with your friend You value each other You can trust your friend with your life.
Do you possess friendship-love for your partner? Can you and your spouse-to-be trust each other with your lives? If so, you are truly blessed with someone with whom you can journey through life.
The feelings of love that led you to become engaged will continue to be a special part of your relationship after the wedding Emotional-love, or being in love, adds sweetness to your relationship. It is important to establish healthy patterns that will keep these feelings of love forever present; they must always be nurtured. Our feelings are sensitive and can change. The more you touch, hold, and kiss your mate — the more you stimulate the senses — the more often your feelings of love will be reborn.
Commitment, friendship, feelings are each a part of love, and each is necessary in marriage. Commitment-love will make a marriage last, friendship-love will make it strong, and emotional-love will make it sweet. All must be shared by you and the person with whom you are going to spend the rest of your life.
Do you love your spouse-to-be in all three of these ways? Does your spouse-to-be love you in all three of these ways? Now is the time to seriously look at the answers, because your life together depends on it.
CHAPTER 2
SESSION 2
KNOWING YOU
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take you to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this time forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, and thereto I pledge you my faith.
With this pledge, you are making one of the most important commitments of your life. Do you really know this person you are about to marry? Does this person know you? Will your spouse-to-be be the kind of husband or wife you desire for a lifetime partner, and will you be the kind of husband or wife your spouse-to-be desires? What do you expect of each other? Will you get along, have fun, be happy, and work out your differences? What are your differences? Do you know? Questions! Questions! Questions!
If you are like most engaged people, these questions, along with others, are constantly racing through your mind. You are about to commit to spend a lifetime with this person, yet you may not have enough information to make a wise decision. You know you love each other. But you wonder if love is enough.
You have grown up in distinctly different families. You have your own thoughts and feelings about marriage, children, religion, sex, work and careers, and money management. Each of you has priorities and expectations about the way people should conduct themselves in a marriage But have you openly discussed and evaluated your priorities and expectations? Unexpressed expectations are the seeds of trouble and conflict.
One of the first questions we ask couples in our premarital workshops is, "What do you think is the most important ingredient to have in a good marriage?" The answers vary, yet each reflects what the men and women deem necessary to have a successful relationship.
What do you think is the most important ingredient to have in a good marriage? Without using the word love, write one word that best describes that quality.
_____________________ _____________________
Her answer
His answer
The word you wrote has significant meaning for your future marriage. Not only will you expect in your marriage the quality you described, you will require it for a happy, well-functioning relationship.
The worksheets in this book will help you review and evaluate the expectations you have of marriage, your priorities, and the relational patterns you have been taught or seen modeled for you in your families When we conduct our premarital workshops, most couples tell us they would not have set aside, on their own, eight hours of intense, one-on-one sharing of their lives. But that is exactly what we are asking you to do with this book. Isn't the rest of your life that important to you?
As you begin knowing yourself and each other better, we want you to focus on three areas: expectations, priorities, and behavioral patterns.
EXPECTATIONS
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Eagerly awaiting the fulfillment of your needs and desires.
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Unexpressed expectations are the seeds of trouble and conflict.
You have expectations of married life. But are they realistic? You and your spouse-to-be grew up in different families with different priorities, behavioral patterns, and rules. Is it possible for either of you to fulfill the other's every expectation?
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Excerpted from Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook by Jerry D. Hardin, Dianne C. Sloan. Copyright © 2016 Jerry D. Hardin, MSMFT, and Dianne C. Sloan, MSMFT. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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