Read an Excerpt
Girl Politics: friends, cliques, and really mean chicks
Faithgirlz!
By Nancy Rue
ZONDERKIDZ
Copyright © 2013 Nancy Rue
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-73321-8
Chapter One
Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
You are a mini-woman.
That means you're no longer that sweet little baby girlfriend who plays with the other baby girlfriends her mom picks out and doesn't care who they are as long as they don't take the red crayon when she's using it.
It also means you haven't yet lost your mind and become a teenager who might ditch her BFF for the same guy you both thought was an annoying boy creature back when you were twelve—when you were mini-women, and therefore sane.
You are a mini-woman, which means you get that girlfriends are more important than the picture you're coloring or the boy who's acting like a complete moron to get your attention. Having friends is huge for you. Huge.
Seriously, can you imagine what it would be like not to have at least one girlfriend?
What would you do—
• at lunchtime?
• at recess (because who plays on the swings anymore)?
• when something freaky happened to you?
• when something incredibly cool happened to you?
• when you were bored out of your skull?
• when your feelings were hurt and you ran to the bathroom crying?
• when you needed to know that very minute you were okay just like you are?
And how would you feel if you didn't have at least one friend?
Whether you can't even imagine it or you're living it right now (ugh), it's not a news flash to you that having friends is mega-important.
It's just that it's not always easy.
No matter how much you love your BFF or your CFFs (that's Close Friends Forever), sometimes you're just not going to get along. (Ya think?)
You can make up and go, "What were we even fighting about?" ... but sometimes you don't.
Girls who don't even like you can get involved.
A girl, or a whole group of girls, can decide that making you miserable is their new career.
You might end up in a situation where there isn't a friend in sight.
"I had been really good friends with Megan since second grade. We did everything together. But in fourth grade, Nikki came to school. At first we all three got along, but then Megan and Nikki started getting together and having sleepovers and doing everything without including me. I was really depressed and discouraged. I still tried to be nice to both of them, but it was hard. I got mad one day and asked them why they weren't including me in any of their activities. They didn't really say anything. We didn't talk to each other for a long time."
Even if none of that has happened to you, it could, or you'll at least know somebody who has had to go through it. Girl politics are happening all over the tween years (and they always have).
That's why you have this book in your hand right now. I've written it to help you—
• know what REAL friendship looks like (and doesn't look like!).
• fix the "Friendship Flubs" everybody makes because you're, uh, human.
• stay away from the major mistakes like cliques and bullying.
• be a part of making your girl community a place where every girl can be the true self she was made to be.
And just so you know, I've had a lot of help with this book from mini-women who, like you, are making their way through girl politics this very moment. You'll see their totally true stories here, and you'll know you are SO not alone.
Some of my mini-women friends shared their thoughts with me about what makes a true friend. Here's what they said:
• A real friend is a person who sticks with you no matter what, even if another friend comes along.
• A true friend knows you're completely INSANE and loves you anyway.
• A true friend is someone to cry with you when you're hiding out in the bathroom.
• A true BFF loves you more than things.
• A real friend will tell you the truth, even if it hurts.
• A true friend is like family, better than a sister.
• Somebody who is your real friend knows you right down to what you like as pizza toppings.
• For me, a BFF is somebody you don't have to put on an act around.
• A true friend is one who has your back and won't leave you when you're not cool.
"Why is having friends such a big deal now? When I was little, it didn't matter that much because I was all about my family, but now, like if my BFF is absent from school, I'm totally lost!"
HERE'S THE DEAL
It's way normal to want close friends and to be completely bummed out if you don't have them or if things don't go that well when you do. Having best buds helps you get some skills you're going to need your whole life:
• Treating people right so they'll love you when they don't have to (like your family does).
• Feeling safe with people outside your own family.
• Knowing what kind of people you want to hang out with—and what kind aren't good for you.
• Discovering what you're like when things don't go the way you want.
• Figuring out how to settle arguments or not have them every ten minutes.
That's why it's not only fun, but it's also important to have friends!
"Your best friend just gets you."
"She loves you when you're hurt emotionally, even if being hurt makes her hurt too."
"She's somebody who gives you warmth when you're in a bad mood."
"A true friend will help you when you're doing the wrong thing and need direction."
"If my best friend and I have fights and stuff, does that mean we aren't really best friends?"
That's all normal stuff. It's hard normal stuff, but it gives you a chance to learn how to work things out with people. We'll talk about those "Friendship Flubs" in chapter 3.
Sometimes, though, the things that go on between girls aren't "just a normal part of growing up." No matter what some people might tell you, there are things said and done on purpose to make a girl feel really horrible about herself.
• You can't sit here. This seat's taken.
• Didn't you already wear that outfit this week?
• I'm gonna tell her she can't come to my sleepover after all. I just don't like her anymore.
• My mom's making me invite her, but we're all going to ditch her the whole time.
• Haven't you ever heard of deodorant?
• If you keep hanging out with her, none of us will be your friends anymore.
• I heard—from somebody who totally knows—that she's already kissed a guy.
• Hey, girls, look who ate an entire village this summer!
When a girl says or does things like that—on purpose—to take away another girl's power to be herself—and she does it on a regular basis (like, it's practically her job)—that's bullying. It isn't normal, and it's definitely not part of real friendship. I'll talk a lot about girl bullying later (like all of chapter 5), but for now, what does a good girl-to-girl relationship look like? How about we start with checking out yours?
GOT GOD?
Jesus obviously believed in having great friends because he hung around with twelve of his for three straight years, not to mention all the other people he befriended along the way: Mary Magdalene; Mary, Martha, and Lazarus from Bethany; Nicodemus; Zacchaeus. The list goes on.
Jesus didn't just party at weddings and go on boat rides with them. He was constantly talking to them about how to treat each other. Things like:
You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being "care-full," you find yourselves cared for.
Matthew 5:7 (The Message)
If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right.
Matthew 5:23–24 (The Message)
Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then ... do it for them.
Matthew 7:12 (The Message)
Those are just a few of the verses. Who knew the Bible could be your total guide to all the stuff that goes on with girls?
Take the passage from 1 Corinthians 13. You mostly hear it at weddings, but Paul (who wrote it in a letter) was talking about friendship love too. If you replace the word love with friendship, you get this amazing list of the things a rockin' girlfriend relationship should be.
True friendship
• never gives up.
Work things out, and hang in there.
• cares more for others than for self.
Say what you need, but find out what your BFF needs too.
• doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Don't do a personality makeover on your friend so she'll be how you want her to be.
• doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first."
Nobody's the boss.
• doesn't fly off the handle.
You can get annoyed without pitching a wall-eyed hissy fit. Talk things out.
• doesn't keep score of the sins of others.
Forgive mistakes, fix what's wrong, and move on. Enough with the pouting, already.
• doesn't revel when others grovel.
Making your friend feel like a loser is not okay. Ever.
• takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.
Who cares who's right and who's wrong? Settle the argument, and get back to the fun.
• trusts God always.
Pray together and for each other. Talk about what God wants you to do.
• always looks for the best.
See the best stuff in each other, and say it. Out loud. A lot.
That's what a true friendship looks like. If that doesn't describe yours right now, don't decide you're a loser. Just get ready to find out how you can get there.
YOU CAN DO IT
Best Buds Book
Since this book is about getting along with other girls, it's a no-brainer that you won't learn the most from it by doing it all by yourself. Hopefully your BFF or your group of close buds will want to learn with you. This section at the end of each chapter shows you a way to share this book with her or them.
Don't have close girlfriends? Just moved to a new town or school, or none of your old girlfriends is in your class anymore? Or are you maybe a bit of a loner or have had trouble finding girls you really want to connect with?
No worries. In fact, you can skip to chapter 4 and read that if you want. Or just think of at least one person you know that you'd like to spend time with (but not somebody who has already dissed you and will of course be missing out on being friends with a great person). Ask her if she'd like to do this activity with you. How cool is that, really, to grow a brand-new friendship from the beginning? Take it step by step. God's in the middle of it with you.
If there really isn't anyone you can work with right now, it's perfectly okay to do this solo. It'll be great preparation for the new friendships that are right around the corner.
What you'll need:
* Your best friend, your small group of close friends (not, like, every girl in your whole class!), or one or two girls you'd like to be friends with. (Or just wonderful you!)
* This book. It would be neat if you all had your own copies, but sharing is fun too.
* Something you can use to make a book. (A three-ring binder, spiral notebook, scrapbook, blank journal, or just some paper stapled between two pieces of construction paper.) You can either make one book together for the whole group, or each girl can make her own, as long as you're working on them at the same time.
* Fun pens or markers and any other art supplies you and your friends already have on hand.
* A place to get together where you can all write and draw—like a table or snack bar or the floor of your room—and where you won't be interrupted while you're doing important friend work. Ask your mom to help with that part if you have brothers and sisters (rather than locking them in the closet yourself).
* Snacks you think your friends will dig. Jesus was always eating with people; it brings people together in a delicious way.
What you're doing:
Throughout this book, you'll be making your own book with your BFF or CFFs that will show you what's already awesome about your friendship and help you make it even more fabulous.
I'm calling it the Best Buds Book (BBB) here, but you'll be giving yours a title that matches your own unique pair or group. At the end of each chapter, I'll give suggestions for adding to your BBB, and of course you'll want to come up with your own ideas on top of that. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do this.
How to make it happen:
1. Ask if your friends want to have an even better friendship than you already have—or if they'd like to start a friendship with you. The answer will probably be yes. Who doesn't want that, right?
2. Decide what you're going to call your friendship. In the Sophie Series, she and her friends named themselves the Corn Flakes. Lucy and her pals, in the Lucy novels, called their team the Dreams. See if you can come up with something that describes the biggest thing you have in common, since each of you is a unique individual.
3. One great way to do that is to look at the "Got God?" section to see if a Bible verse helps.
4. Create a "logo": the name and a picture that says what your group is about in one glance. Think about the logos for McDonald's and Nike and even Zonderkidz to see how a logo works.
5. Choose a Bible verse that fits your friendship. Again, the "Got God?" section may help.
6. Put that logo and your Bible verse on the front of your BBB. This is totally the fun part, so go crazy with the art supplies.
7. Then go to work creating the first section of your BBB: What's a True Friend?
8. Look at what other mini-women say about true friends on pages 16 and 17.
9. Make a list of five to ten definitions of true friends that you agree on. Feel free to use quotes from some of the mini-women on pages 16 and 17.
10. Create a beautiful copy of your definitions (like, so gorgeous you could actually frame it) to put in your BBB. This is the kind of friendship you're going to try to live up to from now on.
11. Keep that book (or everybody's books) in a safe place so you can add more at the end of the next chapter. In fact, plan now for getting together again.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Girl Politics: friends, cliques, and really mean chicks by Nancy Rue Copyright © 2013 by Nancy Rue. Excerpted by permission of ZONDERKIDZ. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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