Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

by Nance Guilmartin

Overview

We're often faced with uncomfortable situations where we're at a loss for words. A friend calls to tell you she's lost her job. A colleague's test results confirm it: he has cancer. The neighbors-who are like family-are moving. Your best friend's mother has Alzheimer's. Your spouse's father suddenly dies; she didn't get to say goodbye. Can you help? Should you help? What would be useful? What kinds of boundaries do we respect or lower? How do we pause to listen between the lines of silence to comfort someone who is afraid or in pain? Can we ask for what would comfort us when we are the one having a rough time? And are we able to receive it with grace?
Healing Conversations enables us to provide or ask for a new level of support when facing life's inevitable challenges, transitions, and losses-at work, at home, and in our community. It is a practical guide to help you step into someone else's shoes so that you can offer, ask for, or receive comfort. Reflections at the end of each chapter help you think more deeply about how to incorporate the principles of healing conversations and intentional kindness into your life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780787966942
Publisher:	Wiley
Publication date:	11/22/2002
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	352
File size:	787 KB

About the Author

Nance Guilmartin is a four-time regional Emmy award-winning broadcast journalist, business advisor, and community service advocate. As a Westinghouse Broadcasting senior executive, she helped launch national awareness initiatives, including the Designated Driver Program and the For Kids' Sake and Time To Care campaigns. Prior to her television career, she served as press secretary to the late U.S. Senator Paul Tsongas. Her listening skills developed as a young news writer at CBS radio in Boston. Today she challenges organizations and executives to achieve breakthroughs and unlock hidden opportunities.

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Table of Contents

An Invitation to Healing Conversations.

Getting Started.

Supporting others without fixing, rescuing, or judging.

When You Need a Friend.

Please, Don't Ask Me How I Am, Unless.

Beginning a healing conversation.

Using the Rule of Six Asking for help.

Just Listen After a sudden loss.

Rediscovering Empathy What comforts you may not comfort someone else.

It'll Be OK, Sugarplum Being a light at the end of the tunnel.

Mommy, Will He Be OK? Helping children face their fears and yours.

Asking One Friend to Help Another When you don't have the answers.

Unexpected Gifts Accepting help from a stranger.

Before and After the Move Emotional attics and new road maps.

It's Not What You Think The hidden hurts of bankruptcy.

Who Am I If I'm Not Who I Was? After a life-changing event.

It's Over A relationship ends.

Reflection: Tuning Out of Your Head, Tuning In to Your Heart.

Health Matters.

Test Results Getting the news or waiting to hear.

Peaceful Warrior When you want to help deal with a diagnosis.

Facing Surgery Before, during, and after.

Just How Do You Ask for Help? Making your own wish list.

Paciencia Recovering from depression.

Is the Doctor In? Making the most of your time as a patient or as a doctor.

What's the Difference Between a Cure and Healing? Living with chronic pain.

What About Me? Supporting the caregiver.

Second Sight When a disability becomes an ability.

When the Bough Breaks When you can't see their pain.

The Bear Close calls.

After the Accident Fears remain.

A Cry for Help Responding to attempted suicide.

Reflection: How to Be with Someone Who's in Pain.

Healing Conversations at Work.

You People Are Incompetent! Turning angry customers into loyal fans.

When Staff Don't Get Along The power of listening.

Trading Places Helping a colleague pause before jumping to conclusions.

You Must Be Kidding! Giving and getting difficult feedback.

Plant Closings and Pink Slips Taking away their jobs but not their dignity.

Trapezes Being laid off, fired, or acquired.

Bad News at the Office Crossing invisible boundaries.

Celebrating Life Asking a coworker for help with a family dilemma.

I Just Wanted to Let You Know I Cared Consoling an employee.

Honoring Paul Tsongas Coping with death in the workplace family.

Notes to Keep a Memory Alive A letter to the children.

Reflection: Maybe It IS My Job-Intentional Kindness.

Transitions: Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul.

We're Getting Divorced Appreciating what you may not understand.

Be a Friend, Not a Hero Helping someone deal with verbal abuse.

I Don't Want to Be a Burden Supporting the widowed spouse.

Splinters, Mice, and Little Things Learning to live alone.

Broken Hearts and Burnt Offerings When a gift offers a reservoir of care.

What Is Enough? Retirement as a way of life.

What Happens When You Show Up for Class? Lessons from an elder.

I Know Her Name Living with Alzheimer's.

The Long Goodbye When death takes its time.

He Knows He's About to Die Visiting a friend in a hospice.

Anniversaries of Loss Special dates to remember.

Reflection: Being with Their Silence-AND Yours.

Lost Loves.

Leo the Cat Putting a "four-footed angel" to sleep.

When You Don't Get the Chance to Say Goodbye Unfinished feelings.

It's a Blessing, Really When death brings relief.

Take a Friend to Lunch Writing the obituary.

Oh, Damn! Did Anybody Bring a Knife? Scattering ashes.

Best-Laid Plans When last wishes clash with the needs of the living.

When Mom Leaves A gift of poetry.

After the Funeral Appreciating behind-the-scenes responsibilities.

When a Young Child Dies A parent's bewilderment lingers.

Frail Submarines When someone chooses suicide.

When Tragedy Inspires Action Responding to a sudden death.

Grief Unburied Sorrow returns in waves.

Perhaps Is this heaven on earth?

Reflection: Sometimes There Are No Words.

In the End.

Healing Takes Time.

Appreciations.

Resources.

The Author.

Index.

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"This little book is bang on. Would that I had it in my pocket every time I needed it the last thirty years. The pages would be threadbare."
—Thomas L. Goodgame, president emeritus, Westinghouse (CBS) Television Group

"Although understanding how to comfort someone only comes with living through difficult times, Nance's book helps you get started...taking those first steps toward helping someone in distress."
—Niki Tsongas, wife of the late U.S. Senator, Paul Tsongas

"Healing Conversations—what a beautiful concept. Not only does Nance Guilmartin offer a multitude of wise suggestions to help us show we care with our words, but just as important, she teaches us how to listen. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn how to really be there for those they care about."
—Beverly Engel, author, The Power of Apology

"After 30 years of working with people in pain, I have heard too many 'unhealing' conversations. It is time for all of us to learn that one word of kindness to someone in pain can begin their recovery. This book teaches us how to pause long enough to listen in to the silence of another's pain and to facilitate the body's potential to heal itself."
—James Walaski, Past Chair, American Massage Therapy National Sports Massage Education Council, Massage Therapist for the New York Yankees 1996-98, Keynote speaker at the 1997 Australian National Massage Therapy convention

"In twenty years of coaching managers to have difficult conversations, and having many of them myself, I realize that the fear we have in having that tough talk is actually worse than the conversation itself. [These] stories remove some of the stumbling blocks and [these] words, once read, are transformed into personal courage."
—Gwendy Longyear-Hayden, director, Human Capital Solutions Resources Connection

"Practical, friendly, and thoughtful guide for communication at home, school, and the workplace when confronting the challenge of healing broken relationships."
—Badi G. Foster president, Phelps-Stokes Fund, former director of Tufts University's Lincoln Filene Center for Citizenship and Public Affairs

"A tremendously important book that I could have used a hundred times before. Everyone who knows anyone in pain should read this book. It speaks right to the heart of the matter."
—Richard Carlson, Author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

"Healing Conversations helps us to find the language of the heart for ourselves and for those whose lives we touch."
—Frances Hesselbein, chairman of the Board of Governors of the Peter F. Drucker Foundation and past chief executive officer of Girl Scouts of America, USA

"Oh! Ms. Guilmartin! Where were you when I needed you! This little book is bang on. Would that I had it in my pocket every time I needed it the last 30 years. The pages would be threadbare."
—Thomas L. Goodgame, President Emeritus Westinghouse (CBS) Television Group

"Nance Guilmartin's Healing Conversations is an extraordinary, comprehensive blueprint for dealing with the slings and arrows of daily, stressful, sometimes hurting life. There are "healing conversations" for divorce, depression, sadness, separation, anger, loss. Especially after the tragedy of September 11, this book offers great comfort."
—Jeffrey Fox, Author, How to Become CEO: The Rules for Rising to the Top of Any Organization

"Like a healing conversation, this book teaches readers how to plumb the depths of their own experiences so that they are better prepared to hear the stories told by others. Nance Guilmartin leads her readers to understand how they can offer the healing power of compassionate conversation."
—Rev. Ellen C. Chahey, Minister of Visitation, Federated Churches of Hyannis, MA

"Your book will help clergy like myself to be more attuned to what people in trouble are saying. Hopefully, with God's help, we will guide them to hold onto life and help them see that it can be lived with meaning. I am speaking to my colleagues about having you come talk to us about your book. It will be a great teaching tool."
—Reverend Aram Marashlian, Secretary, Massachusetts' Firefighters Chaplains Association

"Healing Conversations offers a positive, empathetic approach to helping people in need. It puts them at ease. It also prepares us for how to use a humanitarian approach to dis-ease-that state when those of us who are trying to comfort someone, find ourselves ill at ease. Doctors, nurses, patients and their families all need your book, right now."
—Rudi Ansbacher, M.D., President The International Society for The Study of Humanistic Aspects of Medicine

"A Practical, friendly and thoughtful guide for communication at home, school, and the workplace when confronting the challenge of healing broken relationships. Required reading for civil discourse on implications of WTC disaster."
—Badi G. Foster, president, Phelps-Stokes Fund, former director of Tufts University's Lincoln Filene Center for Citizenship and Public Affairs

Editorial Reviews

"bridges the gap between spirituality and self-help...offering spirituality and practical coaching for people responding to those who are ill, grieving or in crisis. (Publishers Weekly, July 2, 2001)

"...Healing Conversations is like a first-aid communications kit, offering practical principles to apply to life's difficult moments..." (Aspire, June 2006)

From the Publisher