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Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Military Death
100 Practical Ideas for Families and Friends
By Bonnie Carroll, Alan D. Wolfelt Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2015 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. and Bonnie Carroll
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-236-8
CHAPTER 1
1.
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE "TRAUMATIZED"
"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."
— Laurell K. Hamilton
• You've been traumatized by a sudden and likely violent death. We are so sorry for your loss.
• How is your grief this time different from your past experience with anticipated or non-violent deaths? As you know, the death of someone loved always causes painful feelings. But in the case of sudden, violent death, your mind has an especially difficult time acknowledging and absorbing the circumstances of the death itself. This is especially true of military deaths because they often happen far away, in places and circumstances that aren't completely knowable or understandable.
• In this sense, the word "trauma" refers to intense feelings of shock, fear, anxiety, and helplessness surrounding the cause of death. Trauma is caused by events of such intensity or magnitude of horror that they would overwhelm any human being's capacity to cope.
• Certainly it can be said that death is always traumatic. Even the natural death of an aged parent can feel traumatic to her children. But sudden and violent deaths result in a kind of psychic injury. They often cause frightening, intrusive thoughts about the distressful event that caused the death. (For more on traumatic grief, please see Idea 3.)
CARPE DIEM
If you have been having frightening or intrusive thoughts about the death, share them with someone else today. Be gentle with yourself as you work to acknowledge the reality of the nature of the death.
2.
FIRST, SEEK SAFETY AND COMFORT
"After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment."
— Judith Lewis Herman
• After a traumatic experience, it's natural to feel vulnerable, unsafe, and anxious. Your nervous system is telling your brain and body that the world isn't a safe place right now. Your fight-or-flight response has been activated, sending fear and anxiety biochemicals cascading through your body. Yet there is nothing for you to fight or flee from.
• To overcome your trauma, you must locate yourself among people and in places that make you feel safe. If this means moving in with a friend or relative temporarily, that's OK. If this means avoiding certain places or people for now, that's OK, too.
• What calms and comforts you? Taking a walk? Hugging your pet? Relaxing in the tub? Yoga or meditation or prayer? Identify activities that soothe you and turn to them when your anxiety is high.
• You will not be able to mourn and move toward healing if you feel unsafe or overly anxious. Seek safety and comfort first, then you can begin to slowly embrace your grief. If you are having ongoing struggles with anxiety and other fear-based symptoms, especially if those symptoms are preventing you from functioning in your daily life, please seek the assistance of a professional counselor right away. There is help and there is hope.
CARPE DIEM
Let someone else take care of you today.
It's normal and natural to need help with the activities of daily living in the early days and weeks after a traumatic death.
3.
BE AWARE OF POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS
"PTSD is all about being stuck in the moment of horror, unable to move past it. The feeling is very much like being trapped in a nightmare, unable to wake up, or like a computer that's frozen and incapable of functioning."
— Unknown
• Sudden, violent deaths can cause extreme grief reactions in survivors. Not only people who serve in the military but also their families at home may end up suffering from what is commonly called PSTD.
• Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a term used to describe the psychological condition that survivors of sudden, violent death sometimes experience. People with PTSD often have nightmares or scary thoughts about the terrible experience they or their loved one went through. They try to stay away from anything that reminds them of the frightening experience. They often feel angry and are unable to care about or trust other people. They may be on the lookout for danger and get very upset when something happens without warning. Their anxiety level is continually high.
• The more you learn about trauma and PTSD, the more you will have some sense of control at a time when you naturally feel out of control. Knowledge is one of the best antidotes to anxiety, fear, and depression.
• I (Alan) prefer the term "traumatic grief" to PTSD because I do not think that it is a disorder. Instead, it is a normal and necessary response to an abnormally brutal reality.
• If you think you may have PTSD, talk to your family doctor or a counselor. You may need therapy and/or medication for a time to help you feel safer and cope with your day-to-day life. You will need to get help for your PTSD before you can deal with grief and mourning.
CARPE DIEM
If you think you or someone in your family might be suffering from traumatic grief or PTSD, we suggest you call TAPS at 800-959-8277. They can connect you to a counselor who has experience helping military family members with traumatic grief.
4.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING
"Grief is like the ocean. It comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."
— Vicki Harrison
• Grief is what we think and feel inside when someone loved dies. Grief lives inside us.
• Mourning is the outward expression of our grief. Mourning is crying, talking about the death, journaling, participating in a support group, and other forms of expression. Mourning is the grief we allow to venture outside us. Mourning is grief in motion.
• Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn this death, to express your feelings of trauma and grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.
• Mourn the death while remaining sensitive to your unique needs as a trauma survivor. You will need to be very compassionate and patient with yourself in the months and years to come. Give yourself the gift of time. While time alone doesn't heal wounds, healing does take time.
CARPE DIEM
Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning this death or have I restricted myself to grieving?
5.
BE AWARE THAT YOUR GRIEF AFFECTS YOUR BODY, MIND, HEART, SOCIAL SELF, AND SPIRIT
"She has been surprised by grief, its constancy, its immediacy, its unrelenting physical pain."
— Michelle Latiolais
• Grief is physically demanding. This is especially true with traumatic grief. Your body responds to the stress of the encounter, and the immune system can weaken. You may be more susceptible to illness and physical discomforts. You may also feel lethargic, weak, or extremely fatigued. You may not be sleeping well and you may have little appetite (or you may be overeating). Your stomach may hurt. Your chest may ache.
• Cognitively, you may have trouble thinking clearly. Your thoughts may seem disorganized, and you might be finding it hard to concentrate or complete even the simplest task.
• Likewise, the emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. You may feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.
• This death has probably also caused social discomfort. Because they don't know what to say or do, some friends and family members may withdraw from you, leaving you isolated and unsupported.
• You may ask yourself, "Why go on living?" "Will my life have meaning now?" "Where is God in this?" Spiritual questions such as these are natural and necessary but also draining.
• Basically, your grief will affect every aspect of your life. Don't be alarmed. Trust that if you do your grief work and meet your needs of mourning, you will find peace and comfort again.
CARPE DIEM
If you've felt physically affected by your grief, see a doctor this week. Sometimes it's comforting to receive a clean bill of health. Or, if you need some physical care, get it. Remember, your body is sometimes smarter than your head; it will let you know when you need rest and care.
6.
UNDERSTAND THAT GRIEF FOLLOWING A TRAUMATIC DEATH IS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT
"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die. It happens again every single morning."
— Anna Quindlen
• Not only has someone you love died, but the death may have been sudden and violent. The traumatic aspects of the death will likely make your grief journey especially painful.
• As we've said, grief is the collection of thoughts and feelings you have on the inside after someone dies. This includes the thoughts and feelings you have about the circumstances of the death itself. This aspect of your grief may consume most of your energies, especially in the early weeks and months following the death.
• Even much later, after you've come to terms with the nature of the death, it will always be a significant part of your grief.
• Remember that just as your feelings of grief need to be expressed, so do your feelings of trauma. Your trauma is part of your grief and also needs to be mourned.
CARPE DIEM
If today, or at any point in your grief journey, you feel like this death and your grief are so hurtful and horrific that you can't cope, take this as a sign that you need to reach out for help. Call a friend or a spiritual mentor, participate in an online support group, or see an experienced grief counselor right away. TAPS staffs a 24-hour helpline. Call anytime if you need help of any kind: 800-959-8277.
7.
ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS
"Only when someone very near and dear to one leaves does one appreciate the stark tragedy of death. Even then, nature tends to cushion the initial shock, and the thought 'he is gone' does not carry the later realization of finality and permanence that comes only with the final, indisputable understanding that 'we will never see him again.'"
— General Jimmy Doolittle
• Feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of a sudden, violent death. They help us survive our early grief.
• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Early grief can feel like being in a dream.
• Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.
• Even after you have moved beyond these initial feelings, don't be surprised if they reemerge. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries often trigger these normal and necessary feelings.
• Trauma loss often goes beyond what we consider "normal" shock. In fact, you may experience what is called psychic numbing — the deadening or shutting off of emotions. Your sense that "this isn't happening to me" may persist for months, sometimes even years. Don't set rigid expectations for yourself and your ability to function "normally" in the world around you.
• Think of shock and numbness as a bandage that your psyche has placed over your wound. The bandage protects the wound until it has become less open and raw. Only after healing has begun and a scab has formed can the bandage be removed and the wound openly exposed to the world.
CARPE DIEM
If you're feeling numb, cancel any commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup.
8.
CONSIDER YOURSELF IN "EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE"
"And the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly — that still hurts when the weather gets cold — but you learn to dance with the limp."
— Anne Lamott
• Something catastrophic has happened in your life. Something assaulting to the very core of your being. Something excruciatingly painful.
• Your spirit has been deeply injured. Just as your body could not be expected to recover immediately after a brutal injury, neither can your psyche.
• Imagine that you've suffered a severe physical injury and are in your hospital's intensive care unit. Your friends and family surround you with their presence and love. The medical staff attends to you constantly. Your body rests and recovers.
• This is the kind of care you need and deserve right now. The blow you have suffered is no less devastating than this imagined physical injury. Allow others to take care of you. Ask for their help. Give yourself as much resting time as possible. Take time off work if at all possible. Let household chores slide. In the early weeks and months after the death, don't expect — indeed, don't try — to carry on with your normal routine.
CARPE DIEM
Close your eyes and imagine yourself in "emotional intensive care." Where are you? What kind of care are you receiving? From whom? Try to arrange a weekend or a week of the emotional and spiritual intensive care you most need.
9.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING
Need 1: Acknowledge the reality of the death
"Believe in the wonderment of life, the magic of love, and the reality of death."
— Carroll Bryant
• Your first need of mourning is to gently confront the difficult reality that someone you love is dead and will never physically be present to you again.
• Even when a death is anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may take weeks or months. Accepting the reality of sudden and violent deaths usually takes longer.
• You will first come to acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart. As Stephen Levine has noted, "There are pains that cannot be contained in the mind, only in the heart."
• At times you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal. You will come to integrate the reality in doses as you are ready.
• You may be saying to yourself, "I feel like I'm dreaming. I keep hoping I'll wake up and none of this will have happened." We hear this often from trauma survivors. Your shock protects you from being overwhelmed by the loss. You need and deserve time to reconstitute yourself after this traumatic death. You need time to become accustomed to thinking and feeling in your new reality. Go slow. There are no rewards for speed.
CARPE DIEM
Tell someone about the death today. Talking about it will help you work on this important need.
10.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING
Need 2: Embrace the pain of the loss
"The cure for pain is in the pain."
— Rumi
• This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss — something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.
• It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.
• You will need to slowly — ever so slowly — "dose" yourself in embracing your pain. If you were to allow in all the pain at once, you could not survive.
• People with chronic physical pain are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. When pain is resisted, it intensifies. You don't want to fight with your pain; you want to allow it into your soul in small doses so that eventually you can move from darkness into light.
CARPE DIEM
If you feel up to it, allow yourself some time for embracing pain today. Dedicate 15 minutes to doing nothing but thinking about and feeling the loss. Reach out to someone who doesn't try to take your pain away and share your thoughts and feelings with him.
11.
UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING
Need 3: Remember the person who died
"Your silent tents of green
We deck with fragrant flowers;
Yours has the suffering been,
The memory shall be ours."
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
• When someone loved dies, they live on in us through memory.
• To heal, you need to actively remember the person who died and commemorate the life that was lived.
• Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos of the person who died. It's good to talk about him. It's good to save belongings and mementos of his life.
• Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. As Danish philosopher and theologian Søren Kierkegaard noted, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."
CARPE DIEM
Brainstorm a list of characteristics or memories of the person who died. Write as fast as you can for 10 minutes (or more), then put away your list for later reflection.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Healing Your Grieving Heart After a Military Death by Bonnie Carroll, Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2015 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. and Bonnie Carroll. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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