If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path

by Charlotte Kasl

Overview

Zen and the art of lasting relationships . . .

Filled with the same lighthearted, highly practical, spiritually sound guidance that resonated with readers of If the Buddha Dated, this book is a fresh and inspiring guide for anyone who wants to strengthen, deepen, or revitalize a relationship or marriage. Charlotte Kasl, PhD, renowned for her ability to speak with depth, wisdom, and humor on important matters of the heart, empowers us to create fulfilling and vibrant relationships throuhg a commitment to awareness, truth, and compassion.

If the Buddha Married explores how a "beginner's mind" can help us see our partners and ourselves afresh each day as we learn to nurture our commitment to each other. Marriage is truly a journey. Combining key teachings of Buddhism, Christianity, and other spiritual traditions with elements of psychology, this book is a wise and trusted guide through the joys and challenges of relationships that last and grow.


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781101199428
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	05/01/2001
Series:	Compass
Sold by:	Penguin Group
Format:	eBook
Pages:	272
File size:	319 KB
Age Range:	18 Years

About the Author

Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., a practicing therapist and nationally recognized workshop leader for more than 20 years, has had lifelong connections to feminism, Buddhism, Quaker practice, and Reiki healing. The author of several books including Finding Joy, she lives in Lolo, Montana.

Table of Contents

	Introduction	xvii
Part I	The Spiritual Path to Love
1.	Buddhism for Lovers and Partners	3
2.	Say Hello to Your Beloved: Sufism	15
3.	Learn to Trust Yourself: The Society of Friends	17
4.	Explore the Source of an Enduring Bond	19
5.	Discover the Freedom of Beginner's Mind	29
6.	Tune In to Yourself, Tune In to Your Lover	34
Part II	I, You, and Us: A Dance in Three Parts
7.	Experience the "Us" Place of Relationship: Becoming More Than We Could Be Alone	39
8.	Experience Living in an "Us" Place	42
9.	Create More "Us" Consciousness	44
10.	Feel the Healing Power of Connection	50
Part III	Look in Your Own Mirror
11.	Recognize the Masks You Wear	55
12.	Ask Yourself, "Am I Talking About Myself?"	58
13.	Remember to Ask, "Who Owns the Problem?"	60
14.	Live in the Center of Your Own Life	61
15.	Notice the Stories You Tell Yourself	63
Part IV	The Daily Practice of Living and Loving
16.	Treasure Trust: Keep Agreements with Great Care	67
17.	Tune In to Your Deeper Motivation	70
18.	"That's Not What I Said": Notice Your Interpretations	72
19.	Learn to Trust Your Intuition	76
20.	Of Love and Litter: Dealing with Compulsions in Relationships	79
21.	Explore Meditation and Psychotherapy	84
Part V	When I Was a Child, I Spoke as a Child: Am I Still Doing It Now?
22.	Ask Yourself, "What Age Am I at This Moment?"	91
23.	Find Out Who Married Whom	97
24.	Recognize the Value of "Leaving Home"	99
25.	Explore Levels of Relationships	102
26.	Level One: Afraid to Be Close, Afraid to Be Separate	104
27.	Level Two: Sometimes I See You, Sometimes I Don't	106
28.	Level Three: Knowing Yourself So You Can Know Your Beloved	113
29.	Level Four: Feeling at Peace with Closeness and Separateness	118
30.	Level Five: I and Thou--We Are One, We Are Two	120
Part VI	Communion Is the Purpose of Communication
31.	Tune In to the Dance of Sending and Receiving Messages	127
32.	Remember the Basics of Good Communication	128
33.	Give No Advice--Well, Most of the Time	133
34.	Ask for No Advice--Except Sometimes	136
35.	You Can Defend Yourself Without Being Defensive	138
36.	Learn the Art of Apology	140
37.	Rebuild the Bridge: Forgiveness and Letting Go	143
Part VII	Make Friends with Conflict
38.	The Art of Handling Conflict	149
39.	Meeting Our Differences: Fight the Good Fight	150
40.	Practice Conflict Prevention	154
41.	Recognize Counterfeit Conflicts	157
42.	Remember, We Are Animals with a Neocortex: Recognize Fight, Flight, and Freeze Reactions	160
43.	Recognize the Many Faces of Anger	164
44.	What to Do When You Reach an Impasse	175
45.	Learn Fair-Fight Rules	179
46.	Learn to Self-Soothe	182
47.	More Clarity, More Love: Help a Good Relationship Get Better	188
Part VIII	Making Love with the Beloved
48.	Making Love: The Union of Body and Spirit	193
49.	Sexual High or Sexual Connection: What's the Difference?	199
50.	Finding Out Why the Fire Has Faded	204
51.	Deepen Your Sexual Bond	207
52.	Support Each Other Being Completely Honest	210
53.	Stay Lovers During the Parenting Years	213
54.	Understand the True Meaning of Monogamy	215
55.	What to Do with Attraction to Others	217
56.	Make Love with a Beginner's Mind	221
Part IX	I and Thou: Even Good Relationships Can Get Better
57.	Keep Your Relationship Dancing	227
58.	Be Creative Together	230
59.	Remember, Our Task Is to Expand Our Love--Not to Change Others	232
60.	Accept Life's Daily Losses	235
61.	Relationships Need Tending, and Tending Takes Time	239
62.	Your Loving Relationship Blesses the World	241
	Recommended Reading	245
	Resources	249

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"Charlotte Kasl does a beautiful job weaving Eastern philosophy into modern day relationships." —Janet Luhrs, author of Simple Loving

Editorial Reviews

A practicing therapist with a longtime commitment to Eastern philosophy and Quaker practice, Dr. Charlotte Kasl believes that right thinking inspires fulfilling relationships. Her gentle yet practical guidance applies the insights of Buddhist and other non-Western teachings to the hectic and chaotic lives of couples. Kasl's If the Buddha Dated received strong kudos from readers wading into muddy relationships.

Last year, psychotherapist Charlotte Kasl explored the first flushes of romance in If the Buddha Dated; now she takes the next step in If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path. There is some strong, wise marital advice here, but how Buddhist is it? One glaring fact that Kasl never so much as mentions is that the Buddha did have a wife and child, whom he abandoned in the quest for enlightenment. A more interesting book would have investigated the tensions between the demands (and joys) of marital relationships and the individual's need to embark on the spiritual journey. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly

Praise for If the Buddha Dated

“[Charlotte Kasl] adds an entirely new level of understanding to our lives through love and not fear.” —Geneen Roth, author of When Food is Love

“[This book] focuses not on a lot of basic how-to's or manipulations but on creating spiritual bonds. Kasl does a beautiful job weaving Eastern philosophy into modern day relationships.” —Janet Luhrs, author of Simple Loving and The Simple Living Guide

Praise for If the Buddha Married

“[Kasl] brings the Buddha's wisdom to the complex world of relationships. We've all heard that marriage can be a spiritual experience; reading this book, you actually believe it.” —Marianne Williamson, New York Times bestselling author of A Return to Love and A Year of Miracles

“Filled with succinct and practical advice that is immersed in spiritual wisdom.” —Brenda M. Schaeffer, author of Is It Love or Is It Addiction? and Love's Way

Praise for If the Buddha Had Kids

“Dr. Kasl provides a wonderful blend of Buddhist wisdom, practical suggestions, psychological research, and her own rich perspective of being a mother.  Parents will find this book very helpful in their efforts in promoting healthy brain development.” —Daniel Ladinsky, author of Love Poems from God, A Year with Hafiz, and The Purity of Desire

“This book brings the wisdom of the ages to bear to help parents inways that are extraordinarily inspiring and remarkably practical.You discover compassion for your child and compassion for yourself.” —Marti Erikson, PhD, coauthor of Last Child in the Woods

Praise for If the Buddha Got Stuck

“If the Buddha Got Stuck provides a roadmap to freedom and greater possibilities. Regardless of your starting place, Kasl will help you achieve greater joy, authenticity, and peace of mind. . . . Encouraging, practical, beautifully written.” —Laura Davis, author of I Thought We'd Never Speak Again and coauthor of The Courage to Heal

“Charlotte Kasl's new book overflows with insight, humor and eminently practical suggestions.” —Anita Doyle, former Director of the Jeannette Rankin Peace Center, Missoula, MT

“If previous attempts to work with your life from a Western philosophical or psychological perspective encountered gaps . . . [consider this] your bridge.” —Rowan Conrad, PhD, Director, Open Way Mindfulness Center

“If The Buddha Got Stuck brings perspective, inspiring stories, and useful exercises to feel less overwhelmed by life's difficulties.” —Lisa M. Najavits, Ph.D., Associate Professor in Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School and author of Seeking Safety: A Treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse

From the Publisher