King Dork

by Frank Portman, Lincoln Hoppe (Narrated by)

Overview

Tom Henderson (aka King Dork, Chi-mo, Hender-fag, and Sheepie) is a typical American high school loser. Zero athletic skills, a nonexistent social life, and an inexhaustible supply of rock-and-roll dreams. Up until the tenth grade, he spent his days with his alphabetical-order friend, Sam Hellerman, attempting self-preservation by avoiding the general normal/psychotic high school student body and administration.

Until he discovers the book — The Catcher in the Rye — that will change the world as he knows it. When Tom finds his deceased father's copy of the Salinger classic, then discovers a secret code, a funeral card, and a twenty-four-hour Martinizing receipt, he finds himself in the middle of several interlocking conspiracies and at least half a dozen mysteries involving dead people, naked people, fake people, ESP, blood, guitars, monks, witchcraft, the Bible, girls, the Crusades, a devil head, and rock and roll. And it looks like it's all just the tip of a very odd iceberg of clues that may very well help Tom unravel the puzzle of his father's death and—strangely—reveal the secret to attracting semihot girls. Though being in a band could possibly be the secret to the girl thing—but good luck finding a drummer who can count to four.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780739331149
Publisher:	Listening Library, Inc.
Publication date:	07/10/2007
Edition description:	Unabridged
Age Range:	14 - 17 Years

About the Author

Frank Portman (aka Dr. Frank) is also the author of Andromeda Klein and the singer/songwriter/guitarist of the influential East Bay punk band the Mr. T. Experience (MTX). MTX has released about a dozen albums since forming in the mid-1980s. Frank lives in Oakland, California. Visit him online at frankportman.com, look for him on Facebook, and follow @frankportman on Twitter.

Read an Excerpt

August

KING DORK

They call me King Dork.

Well, let me put it another way: no one ever actually calls me King Dork. It's how I refer to myself in my head, a silent protest and an acknowledgment of reality at the same time. I don't command a nerd army, or preside over a realm of the socially ill-equipped. I'm small for my age, young for my grade, uncomfortable in most situations, nearsighted, skinny, awkward, and nervous. And no good at sports. So Dork is accurate. The King part is pure sarcasm, though: there's nothing special or ultimate about me. I'm generic. It's more like I'm one of the kings in a pack of crazy, backward playing cards, designed for a game where anyone who gets me automatically loses the hand. I mean, everything beats me, even twos and threes.

I suppose I fit the traditional mold of the brainy, freaky, oddball kid who reads too much, so bright that his genius is sometimes mistaken for just being retarded. I know a lot of trivia, and I often use words that sound made-up but that actually turn out to be in the dictionary, to everyone's surprise--but I can never quite manage to keep my shoes tied or figure out anything to say if someone addresses me directly. I play it up. It's all I've got going for me, and if a guy can manage to leave the impression that his awkwardness arises from some kind of deep or complicated soul, why not go for it? But, I admit, most of the time, I walk around here feeling like a total idiot.

Most people in the world outside my head know me as Moe, even though my real name is Tom. Moe isn't a normal nickname. It's more like an abbreviation, short for Chi-Mo. And even that's an abbreviation for something else.

Often, when people hear "Chi-Mo" they'll smile and say, "Hippie parents?" I never know what to say to that because yes, my folks are more hippie than not, but no, that's not where the name comes from.

Chi-Mo is derogatory, though you wouldn't necessarily know that unless you heard the story behind it. Yet even those who don't know the specific story can sense its dark origins, which is why it has held on for so long. They get a kick out of it without really knowing why. Maybe they notice me wincing when I hear them say it, but I don't know: there are all sorts of reasons I could be wincing. Life is a wince-a-thon.
There's a list of around thirty or forty supposedly insulting things that people have called me that I know about, past and present, and a lot of them are way worse than Moe. Some are classic and logical, like Hender-pig, Hender-fag, or Hender-fuck. Some are based on jokes or convoluted theories of offensiveness that are so retarded no one could ever hope to understand them. Like Sheepie. Figure that one out and you win a prize. As for Chi-Mo, it goes all the way back to the seventh grade, and it wouldn't even be worth mentioning except for the fact that this particular nickname ended up playing an unexpectedly prominent role in the weird stuff that happened toward the end of this school term. So, you know, I thought I'd mention it.

Mr. Teone, the associate principal for the ninth and tenth grades, always refers to Sam Hellerman as Peggy. I guess he's trying to imply that Sam Hellerman looks like a girl. Well, okay, so maybe Sam Hellerman does look a little like a girl in a certain way, but that's not the point.

In fact, Mr. Teone happens to have a huge rear end and pretty prominent man boobs, and looks way more like a lady than Sam Hellerman ever could unless he were to gain around two hundred pounds and start a...

Editorial Reviews

Praise for King Dork:

“Basically, if you are a human being with even a vague grasp of the English language, King Dork, will rock your world.”—John Green, author of The Fault in Our Stars
 
“[No account of high school] has made me laugh more than King Dork. . . . Grade A.”—Entertainment Weekly
 
“Impossibly brilliant.”—Time

“Provides a window into what it would be like if Holden Caulfield read The Catcher in the Rye.”—New York Post

[STAR] “Original, heartfelt, and sparkling with wit and intelligence. This novel will linger long in readers’ memories.”—School Library Journal, Starred
 
[STAR] “A biting and witty high-school satire.”—Kirkus Reviews, Starred
 
[STAR] “Tom’s narration is piercingly satirical and acidly witty.”—The Bulletin of the Center for Children’s Books, Starred
 
“Loaded with sharp and offbeat humor.”—USA Today
 
“King Dork is smart, funny, occasionally raunchy and refreshingly clear about what it’s like to be in high school.”—San Francisco Chronicle
 
“King Dork: Best Punk Rock Book Ever.”—The Village Voice
 
“I love this book as much as I hated high school, and that’s some of the highest praise I can possibly give.”—Bookslut.com
 
“Just the thing for those snarky teens.”—People
 
“King Dork is smart, funny, occasionally raunchy and refreshingly clear about what it’s like to be in high school.”—San Francisco Chronicle
 
“This is the funniest, freshest, most original book of any kind that I have read in a very long time. It’s so damn good that I’m just happy there are people like Frank Portman writing books. Period.” —Megan McCafferty, author of Sloppy Firsts, Second Helpings, and Charmed Thirds
 
“Frank Portman . . . proves to be a born storyteller in this hilarious coming-of-age novel.”—Chicago Sun-Times
 
“The author’s biting humor and skillful connection of events will keep pages turning.”—Publishers Weekly
 
“Inventive and sexy, [King Dork is] fun to read and provides endless food for thought—everything I want from a book.” —Melvin Burgess, author of Doing It and Smack
 
“Portman . . . scores with a debut novel that’s funny, sharp, and spot-on at portraying a teen who sees musical stardom as more attainable than scoring with a girl.”—Seattle Post-Intelligencer
 
“A modern and arguably better (yes, I said it) version of the J. D. Salinger staple.”—American Way
 
“King Dork is unique: a detective-story ode to hormones, teenage bands, and the books they made you read in high school. Hilarious, unflinching, and surprising from start to finish.” —Ned Vizzini, author of It’s Kind of a Funny Story
 
 “The MySpace generation’s Catcher in the Rye.”—Gawker.com
 
“The ironically self-crowned dork narrator is a terrific guide through the scary world of high school.”—E! Online
 
“Channeling the wisdom of a cynical rock sophisticate through the voice of a self-conscious fourteen-year-old misfit, Frank Portman has created a winning post-punk Hardy Boy equal.”-Ira Robbins, TrouserPress.com
 
“A funny, pointed poke in the eye to the bloated Catcher in the Rye cult, and also a fine alienated teen novel in its own right.”—Neal Pollack, author of Never Mind the Pollacks: A Rock and Roll Novel
 
“A funny, intelligent, inspiring, can’t-even-put-it-down-when-I-go-to-the-bathroom story. Seriously, I vowed to only write about this well-publicized book after I read it myself, and I’m happy to report that it’s worth the hype.”—Whitney Matheson in USA Today’s Pop Candy
 
“This pitch-perfect mixture of Veronica Mars and Freaks and Geeks exudes realistic, self-aware teen angst on every page, and should be a permanent addition to libraries alongside Brighton Rock, A Separate Peace . . . and even Catcher.”—The Oregonian
 
“The magic of King Dork lies in its cutting satire and narrative voice. It smartly skewers just about every aspect of the educational system. For readers who have suffered through a pep rally, detention or English class, Portman’s arrival is cause for regal glee.”—The Plain Dealer (Cleveland)
 
“Frank Portman takes on the high-school coming-of-age story with enough music what-for to satisfy the most ardent of music snobs. He also cuts to pieces Catcher in the Rye, a job you might not have known needed to be done.”—SF Weekly

From the Publisher