Love at First Fight: 52 Story-Based Meditations for Married Couples
192
Love at First Fight: 52 Story-Based Meditations for Married Couples
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781634099905 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Barbour Publishing, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2016 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 192 |
| File size: | 751 KB |
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Love at First Fight
52 Story-Based Meditations for Married Couples
By Carey Dyer, Dena Dyer
Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Copyright © 2016 Carey Dyer and Dena DyerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-63409-990-5
CHAPTER 1
LOVE ON THE ROAD
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:2–3
HE SAYS
The time shortly before we started dating can best be summed up by an old split-panel Far Side cartoon. A girl on one side is lying wide awake in bed, saying, "I think he really likes me!" On the other side lies the male object of her affection, who says to himself, "I really like vanilla."
We met in a traveling singing group and spent two years on the road with six other college graduates from all over the United States. Dena, being closely tuned in to God's radar and having unknowingly journaled about me since the age of twelve, saw right off the bat that we would be good together. Still, being the good Christian girl she was raised to be, she never made any advances.
I was just glad to have a close friend on what was, at times, a lonely road trip. For the longest time, I honestly never thought about Dena in "that way." I treated her more like a good-natured dog who would jump up in the truck with you than the delicate, rose-scented love goddess she is.
Our relationship was complicated by the fact that I openly flirted with other girls and talked about them in front of Dena. After all, she was my good buddy, and we could talk about anything:
Me: Wow, did you see that cute waitress? If we were gonna be in town longer, I'd ask her out! Could you pass the salt?
Dena: (thinking as she exits to the ladies' room to cry) Sure, here's the salt. Why don't you just rub it in my emotional wounds?
Clueless. Brainless. Whatever you call it, I had a double dip. Finally, thank the good Lord above, I woke up one morning and it was all crystal clear. I didn't just like vanilla; I liked Dena! The feeling gently washed over me like warm sunlight. And it had only taken me a mere ten months longer than her to realize it!
I lovingly expressed my feelings for Dena at a truck stop. (Don't judge. Life on the road doesn't lend itself to private, romantic moments.) My honey should get extra jewels in her crown for not blurting out, "Well, it's about time!"
Yes, I finally came to my senses and arrived at the same place in my heart that she was. Nevertheless, I took the longest possible route and should have stopped somewhere along the way to ask for directions.
SHE SAYS
Because I had dated a few duds, I knew a catch when I saw one. Carey was the funniest person — but not at others' expense — I'd ever met. He had a passion for the Lord and was crazy about his family and friends. He was terrific with kids. He could also sing like a dream. And — he was darn cute.
It floored me that he didn't see how good we would be together. I could tell he enjoyed my company — after all, we spent most of our free time together. He confided in me his hopes and dreams, and he even talked to me about girls. Sigh.
I couldn't figure out how to leave the friend zone ... and just when I thought I couldn't stand it one more second, he'd burst my bubble.
Me: (thinking) I have to tell him how I feel. I can't go on like this, hiding my emotions. Surely he knows anyway. Everyone else in the group has figured it out. And isn't it obvious we are destined to be a couple? He needs to father my children....
Carey: I think it's such a turnoff when a girl makes the first move.
While he was chatting up the ski instructor we met on our day off in Aspen, I left the slopes in tears and found a pay phone (this was in 1994) and called my mom. Again.
"Mom," I gasped through tears. "He doesn't know I'm alive. It's never going to happen!"
"Dena," she said calmly, "we're just going to pray about it."
She prayed, and so did I. And one day Carey started acting differently around me. At first I thought it was just my wishful thinking.
Soon, though, he confessed that he saw me as more than a friend. Outwardly I said, "I've felt that way for a while," but inwardly I was singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" with the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir backing me up.
Carey pursued me with the diligence he'd once reserved for trumpet and voice practice — and I enjoyed every single minute of it.
Dear reader, some things are worth waiting for.
Lord, thank You that Your timing is perfect, even when I think You're taking too long. Help us hold our expectations of You — and our spouses — loosely, trusting Your heart and Your plans for us.
TAKING OFF THE GLOVES
• What first attracted you to each other?
• Who made the first move?
• Recreate your first date.
TIPS FROM THE PROS
Go on a date once a week. And forget the fifty-fifty advice. When you both feel like you're giving 75 percent, that's probably about right.
— Elsie and Ronnie Harrel, married 27 years
CHAPTER 2LOVE AT FIRST FIGHT
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.
Proverbs 17:14
HE SAYS
It was love at first fight. One of the happiest days of our lives also contained our first fuss as a married couple. Dena and I may hold the record for the shortest amount of time between saying "I do" and "Oh no you didn't!"
As we pulled away from the church, wedded bliss became wedded blahs. As was the custom, my groomsmen had decorated our vehicle with an assortment of post-ceremony goodies: shaving cream, cans, and toilet paper. Although I had participated in similar hijinks at many weddings before, I'd never thought about what happens when the car starts moving down the open road. Stuff flies everywhere!
Being the neat freak I am, I wanted to spray off the car at one of those fifty-cent car washes (yes, fifty cents — this was 1995). In retrospect, perhaps I subconsciously wanted to stop and gather my thoughts because I was nervous about ... well, you know ... later that night.
I am much smarter now than I was then. I've learned the truth of these noble words from the poet Ogden Nash ("A Word to Husbands"):
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
SHE SAYS
When Carey told me he wanted to stop and clean the car, my first thought was, Are you kidding me? I've been waiting my whole adult life for my wedding night. I've got Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity dog-eared and underlined more than my Bible. And he wants to stop and wash the car!
I was, simply put, exasperated. As a girl who had just floated through her long-awaited dream wedding, I was extremely proud of our blingedout Buick. The cans, shaving cream, and Charmin streamers told the world, "We're hitched! She — and he — are off the market! No more blind dates, awkward rejections, or singles' mixers. Let the eternal happiness commence!"
Ironic, right?
I reluctantly agreed to let Carey pull over at the nearest car wash, with one caveat: he had to be quick. However, once he started spraying water and pulling items off the car, it seemed he couldn't stop. For the love of Pete, he started detailing the thing.
Now I wasn't just flummoxed. I was furious. And Carey was confused. He hadn't a clue what he had done wrong, poor guy.
Thankfully, we had a forty-five-minute drive to our hotel. Along the way, Carey made me laugh so hard that I almost forgot what I was mad about. And when we got to our hotel room — which was on the concierge floor, a huge splurge for us — we decided to make up in the best possible way.
Father, thank You for the gift of laughter. Thank You, too, for the gift of our spouses. When our polar opposite personalities rub each other the wrong way, help us be quick to forgive. Remind us that those qualities that irritate us are the very ones that attracted us to our mate in the first place. And thank You for the gift of affection, which helps strengthen our relationship.
TAKING OFF THE GLOVES
• We've heard it said that weaknesses are just strengths gone too far. How would it help you if you could reframe those things that annoy you and see them as your spouse's strengths?
• If possible, take a personality test together and discuss the results. You'll most likely see things from a different perspective. (Dena says: "When I went through a personality course, I realized that Carey wasn't out to get me — he was just doing things that came naturally. It was incredibly helpful!")
• Look through your wedding album or watch the recording together and reminisce about how young, idealistic — and in love — you were.
TIPS FROM THE PROS
Be present for your spouse, physically and emotionally. Choose your battles. Live with each other's idiosyncrasies. Laugh at yourself.
— Bill and Judy Vriesema, married 33 years
CHAPTER 3SOUR GRAPES AND THROWN TOMATOES
House and land are handed down from parents, but a congenial spouse comes straight from GOD.
Proverbs 19:14 MSG
HE SAYS
The tiny kitchen in our first apartment was the stage for our second heated discussion. The ink was still drying on our marriage license, and Dena brought home our very first load of groceries. As we (translation: she) began to stock the fridge with the best food coupons could buy, I noticed that her "method" for organizing the food in the refrigerator was different than mine — that is, she didn't have a method. There was no rhyme or reason to what food went where. (I mean, they label those drawers and bins for a reason, right? The names are there to help you!)
At this point, I want to point out a pattern you may have noticed by now. Several of the disagreements early in our marriage stemmed from Dena's lack of attention to detail and my borderline OCD overattention to detail.
That should give you a little more context to what I said next. As poor, innocent Dena randomly dumped groceries into the refrigerator, giving no consideration to container dimensions (doesn't everyone put the liquid jugs in shortest to tallest?), I thought that the loving, caring thing to do was to give her a piece of friendly advice. "Honey," I said, "thanks so much for getting the groceries. But when it comes to putting them away, I think you might benefit from an orderly system I learned from my mother."
It's a good thing there wasn't an iron skillet in our almost-kitchen, or I'd have been seeing stars. Take my advice, men: in the name of hospital emergency rooms everywhere, never invoke the name of your mother for at least the first year of marriage.
Don't get me wrong; my mom is a wonderful person, and Dena loves her very much. However, new brides are usually insecure about "measuring up" to the matriarch of their hubby's family. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I definitely should have held my OCD tongue on that occasion, spared my wife's feelings, and gone on to other detailoriented pursuits, like counting the exact number of stairs leading away from our apartment.
SHE SAYS
I was infuriated when Carey mentioned how my mother-in-law liked the fridge arranged. After an hour of coupon clipping and two hours of shopping (in the Texas heat, no less), being oh-so-careful with our minuscule grocery budget, I think my exact words to him were, "If you want to go get the groceries, you can arrange them any way you want." As they're wont to do, my nostrils flared when I said it. And my face turned as red as the tomatoes I'd bought on clearance.
Carey's mom cooks like a chef and keeps a spotless house, no matter what, and it's hard not to compare myself to her (even after twenty years). Not that she would ever make me feel bad; she's as sweet as they come. Believe me, I can give myself a guilt trip all on my own.
Thankfully, I have learned over these past two decades to revel in my gifts instead of comparing myself to other moms and wives. After all, there will always be someone who is thinner, prettier, richer, a better cook/writer/etc., than me. However, God has lovingly reminded me — over and over — that He created me just as I am. He placed me in the position of Carey's wife (and Jordan and Jackson's mom) in His perfect providence.
When I rest in that, I'm much less likely to throw those tomatoes at Carey.
God, give us the grace to see each other's gifts instead of our limitations. Help us think before we speak and be patient with one another when our differences clash. We love You, Lord, and we want to love each other well. Give us Your mercy as we seek to do so.
TAKING OFF THE GLOVES
• In what areas do you feel insecure? How could these insecurities be affecting your marriage?
• Encourage each other today in areas where you excel.
• Have you unfairly criticized your spouse lately? If so, humble yourself and apologize.
TIPS FROM THE PROS
Be the type of person you want to be around. Imagine walking in the front door after a hard day and receiving the kind of welcome you'd most like. Then give it.
— Anita Brooks, married 37 years
CHAPTER 4MY LONE STAR SWEETHEART
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all.
Proverbs 3:5–7 MSG
HE SAYS
"Wow. Just ... wow."
That's pretty much what I thought the first time I laid eyes on the love of my life. Of course, I didn't know that she was the love of my life. And my exclamation wasn't like, "Wow, I've just seen the bearer of my children." It was more like, "Wow, do they really dress like that in Texas?"
Dena and I first met when we both auditioned for a touring musical group in Atlanta, Georgia. We hailed from different parts of the country. My Tennessee upbringing made me just about as country as corn bread, but even I wasn't prepared for the "Ding Dong Dolly from Dumas, Texas," who stood before me.
For whatever reason, that particular day Dena decided to wear a dress covered in a print featuring colorful cowboy boots. Her ruby-red lipstick topped it all off, as if she were just waiting to follow up a "Howdy!" with a ruby-red kiss on my cheek.
I mean, Dena did look cute — she can't help but look cute, even if she were wearing a burlap sack — but really? Her dress looked like she was representing Texas in the new "obsessed with my home state" portion of the Miss America pageant.
I guess first impressions can be deceiving at times, because I fell head-over-boots for that little Texas gal ... and evidently, she doesn't mind corn bread.
SHE SAYS
When I first met Carey, I remember him acting overfriendly, like a puppy dog. I thought, Back off, buster! I'm not looking to find a man. I just want to serve God and be a part of this singing group. He was gregarious and friendly then, and he still is after twenty years. I didn't know he was being nice; I thought he was flirting. And it's funny — I almost never dressed in Western clothes, and I can't remember why I chose to embrace my Texas roots so thoroughly that day.
First impressions can definitely be wrong, and quick assumptions are often faulty. In our marriage, we've learned to question assumptions about the other person. For instance:
• Is he acting rude and/or angry? A wise counselor once told me that all anger is rooted in fear. Instead of taking things personally, pray for God to give you wisdom and patience. When your mate cools off, gently ask him if there is anything he needs to talk about.
• Is she crying and/or being snippy? Instead of assuming it's just hormones and you'll never understand her, pray and ask God for discernment. In a less stressful moment, offer to listen and support her without giving quick fixes.
It takes humility to try and understand our spouses, but this relationship, above all others, is worth the effort we put into it.
Our Great Provider, thank You for allowing us to meet and fall in love. Forgive us when we assume things or jump to conclusions. Help us to come toward each other with hearts full of humility, gratitude, and unselfishness.
TAKING OFF THE GLOVES
• Talk about your first impressions of each other. Were they positive or negative? How did your assumptions change?
• Honestly assess whether either of you is still making assumptions in a specific area of marriage (sex, money, work). As our relationships change, so do our needs and desires.
• Just for fun, look back at old pictures of the two of you. If you're brave, post some on social media.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Love at First Fight by Carey Dyer, Dena Dyer. Copyright © 2016 Carey Dyer and Dena Dyer. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
INTRODUCTION,PART 1: COMING OUT SWINGING,
PART 2: TREATING OUR WOUNDS,
PART 3: RETREATING TO OUR CORNERS,
PART 4: NEEDING A REFEREE,
PART 5: STILL STANDING,
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES,
ABOUT THE AUTHORS,
SCRIPTURE INDEX,