Interviews
On July 21, 1998, barnesandnoble.com on AOL was pleased to welcome John Gray to our Authors@aol series. John Gray is the author of MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, among numerous other titles on the topic of gender relations and relationship guidance. He has conducted seminars on the subject for 26 years. His new book is MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER.
JainBN: Mr. Gray, thrilled you're here to discuss MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER this evening! I'm sure most of our spaceships are double-parked and in dire need of your help!
John Gray: Thank you; it's a pleasure!
JainBN: The audience is revved, so we'll get started.
Question: Your work is awesome, but I'm disappointed that you don't seem against sex before marriage. For those of us in search of romance and wanting to save that for marriage (third time), what do you suggest? Seems men want to try on the shoe before purchasing, and I can't blame them....
John Gray: Thank you. I can't blame them either, being one of those guys. However, I support people with those values. In my book, MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE, I do suggest ways that women can tell a man that they want to wait to have sex in such a way that he doesn't take offense. Here's an example: "I want you to know that I am very attracted to you," or "I find you very attractive and I'm flattered, but I prefer to wait." It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing situation. The various stages of sex -- first base, second base, third base -- can all be enjoyed if you wish to wait. Unfortunately, our society still is in the darkness about the naturalness of masturbation. When men feel more comfortable with releasing their natural sexual urges on their own, or with their partner's assistance, then it's easier to wait.
Question: How do men feel when women make the first move and ask a man out on a date?
John Gray: Some men love it. However, if a man doesn't make the first move, you can be less certain that he will pursue the relationship. Ideally, flirting is a way a woman can clearly let a man know that if he's interested in her, she will not reject him or his interest. In regard to my new book, MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER, I suggest that while a woman is taking time to heal her feelings of loss, that she continue dating without getting too seriously involved. Often, after a relationship ends, women pull back from dating. They become more picky. A man has to pass many more tests before she will go out. Rather than raise her standards, I suggest to temporarily stop looking for a marriage partner or even a partner she would want to have sex with. Instead just go out with nice, interesting men. There are literally thousands of people that I've met whom I could enjoy a date with but I would not want to marry. Please, don't postpone finding a date by waiting for Mr. Right. He generally shows up when you least expect it and more often after a series of positive dating experiences.
Question: John, I'm a big fan, and I was wondering, what do you suggest in a relationship that gets strained over long periods of time where we are forced to be apart because of business?
John Gray: For a relationship to grow, physical contact can be just as important as connecting in the mind and heart. Women particularly need cuddling, affection, and attention. In a similar way, men particularly need sexual contact. One good suggestion is writing letters or email and then also telephone sex or over the Internet. This can be lots of fun. Both partners must be comfortable touching and pleasuring themselves as they imagine their partner touching them. While these measures help, nothing can replace actual physical presence and touch.
Question: Hi. Me and hubby were separated for 18 months and got back together but feel that we will not make it. Do you have any advice on what I can do to help this marriage continue to go good, and do couples that separate and come back stay together or end up splitting up?
John Gray: It is very common for couples who separate to come back and make a relationship work. But not always. I suggest taking one day to attend a Mars and Venus workshop. Information on getting this assistance and support can be found at www.marsvenus.com or www.marsvenusinstitute.com, or simply call 1-888-MARSVENUS. In my new book, MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER, I explore in great detail a series of easy exercises to heal unresolved hurt, blame, and resentment. These exercises would be ideal to assist you or your partner in removing the blocks to once again opening your hearts.
Question: At the age when women are reaching their sexual prime, men's libidos are starting to attenuate. How does a monogamous couple of roughly the same age resolve this dilemma?
John Gray: Thank you for pointing out this common problem. Good communication around sex and extra support by the woman to awaken and sustain a man's sexual interest is very important. Up to 40, a man's sexual arousal is a given. For most married men over 40, they mistakenly believe that they've lost interest or at least lost much of their interest in having sex. This is actually not true. A man's physiology naturally changes. A shift takes place where he is no longer automatically in the mood whenever opportunity presents itself. He misinterprets this change as lack of interest. What he doesn't know is that with a little foreplay, a little oral sex, suddenly he is in the mood. An important training for men before and over 40 is to practice masturbating in the shower occasionally each week. This has a twofold purpose. Even if he's getting regular sex, it frees him from being completely dependent on his partner's mood for him to enjoy sexual release. Many men have lost sexual interest over the years because they don't freely masturbate and release their sexual tension at times when their partner doesn't seem interested or in the mood. It is particularly important over 40, because it helps a man to discover and experience that he could be feeling very uninterested in sex and then with a little hand motion and stimulation he can easily arouse himself, give pleasure to himself, and experience once again the delight of having an orgasm. This repeated experience gives him confidence that even though he doesn't feel in the mood for sex, part of him is willing, ready, and eager after just a little stimulation. This old saying, "Use it or lose it," applies directly to our sexual feelings. There are many examples and suggestions in my book, MARS AND VENUS IN THE BEDROOM, for men who want to awaken and sustain their partner's sexual fulfillment as well as techniques and approaches for women to initiate and awaken their partner's sexual feelings. One such technique, if she is wanting more sex than he does, is for her to regularly masturbate so that she doesn't feel sexually frustrated or become sexually demanding. She can tell her husband something like this: "I'm really in the mood, but if you're not, that's okay, I'll just take care of my needs. I just want you to know that while I'm pleasuring myself, if at any time you want to join in, you're welcome. If not, that's fine, too." This nondemanding invitation has helped many, many couples rekindle their sexual connection. Another reason it works is because as women approach orgasm, their body produces arousing pheromones which have a dramatic effect in awakening and arousing a man's sexual desire.
Question: How much stock do you put in the notion that women seek men who resemble their fathers, whether they wish to or not?
John Gray: As adults we tend to seek out opportunities to heal unresolved issues of our past. Quite often, women have unresolved issues with their fathers and, as a result, are automatically attracted to and drawn to men with similar attributes, characteristics, or even problems. When an adult relationship doesn't work out and we are in that process of starting over, this is an ideal time to heal the heart of any unresolved issues from the past. If we take time to honestly honor and look at our feelings of loss, quite automatically the unresolved hurt or losses in our past come up to be healed as well. Through this process of healing our hearts and starting over, we are free from the tendency to repeat our past, we are free to experience a soul attraction to a special person who balances and compliments who we are, to support us in our journey in this world. This kind of soul mate partner is different from being attracted to or compulsively drawn to someone who will assist us in reliving or reexperiencing some of our past unresolved issues. Certainly, a soul mate may have qualities similar to our parents. But not always.
JainBN: John, thanks so much for an enlightening hour. I can't imagine there's one person here who didn't get something out of this discussion. Many, many thanks.
John Gray: Thank you! It's been a real pleasure!
JainBN: Please come again.
John Gray: I will. I love AOL!
JainBN: So do we! Goodnight and be well.
John Gray: Goodnight everyone!
