Interviews
On Thursday, May 7th, barnesandnoble.com welcomed Harriet Lerner to discuss THE MOTHER DANCE.
Moderator: Welcome to the Live Events Auditorium, Harriet Lerner. We appreciate you chatting with us regarding THE MOTHER DANCE. Do you have any plans as Mother's Day approaches?
Harriet Lerner: This is my first Mother's Day with an empty nest. I have no boys at home to bring me breakfast in bed, so my husband will have to do it on my kids' behalf. Actually, we should have a mother's day month just like we have a women's history month. One day is not enough to celebrate mothers.
Monica Lester from West Point, NY: When you go into a bookstore, there are so many books on parenting. It is overwhelming. How is your book different from the others? What inspired you to write THE MOTHER DANCE?
Harriet Lerner: I actually started out writing a book on parenting. Then I went to the parenting section of my local bookstore and noticed that there were 3,000 books on the subject. In any case, there were more books that any mother could ever read and still have time to be with her child. I also noticed that there was a conspicuous silence about the mother's authentic experience, and how her life was changed when children came along. In a flash I realized that this was the book I wanted to write.
Pauline Sands from Austin, TX: What is the most typical response for mothers when all their children leave home? What can a mom do to prepare emotionally for the empty nest?
Harriet Lerner: There is no preparation for the empty nest because the experience is so profound. Just like there is no preparation when the first baby comes along. As the cosmic forces would have it, my younger son left home for college just as I was writing the chapter on the empty nest. I couldn't believe that for 22 years I had boys in my house, and suddenly it was just me and Steve. Couples have a wide range of responses to being "alone again." Some women look forward to all that delicious freedom, but five minutes after the last kid leaves home, all the old marital conflicts may resurface and hit them right in the face -- or without a child to focus on, we may be confronted with formulating new plans and deciding how to live our own lives as well as possible. For me, it is a funny paradox. I miss my boys so much that sometimes I put on their smelly T-shirts when I am writing just to have them closer to me. At the same time I won't really want either of them to come home. On one happy note -- when my first son came home, we actually became closer. He opened up more, and we began to talk together about things that really matter. When he was living at home he was totally private. So don't feel like you are "losing your child" when you have the empty nest. You might eventually move to a richer connection. I could hardly get through the first week. I wanted to grab people by the collar and say, "I may look like a regular person, but I have no more boys at home." My whole life was transformed, but no one could see the change to offer me sympathy or congratulations.
Ann from Columbia, MD: What do you mean when you say we are not in control of our children?
Harriet Lerner: I always want to remind mothers just how important we are and yet how little control we actually have. Mothers are seen as all-powerful and held responsible for all family problems. While we can change and control our own behavior, we can't control a child's unique response to our behavior. Nor do we control the child's larger environment. Also, kids come into the world with their own unique DNA, and some kids are much easier than others. Indeed, some kids are a piece of work. Mothers do not have unidirectional control over the whole. A mother can not make her child schizophrenic, suicidal, or antisocial. She can not make her child get a migraine, punch someone in the nose, or get straight A's for that matter. The message is this: Do as good a job as you can, and seek help when you need it. But give up the magical fantasy that you can control who your child is -- and how your child thinks, feels, and reacts. Its is fair to judge a mother by her own behavior. It is not fair to judge her by her children's. Our children are not little mirrors that reflect back the good or bad job we have done. Mothers are a crucial influence, but we are not the only influence.
Elise from San Francisco, CA: What are some of the most common mistakes mothers make in each phase of a child's life?
Harriet Lerner: We always make mistakes in the direction of either extreme. Either we are too strict, rigid, or authoritarian or, alternatively, we operate like a blob of protoplasm without having clear rules or structure. Either we are too intense or too distant. Either the lines of communication are shut down, or we tell a children too much, failing to protect them from adults' anxieties. Either we are too focused on them or too distant. It is really hard to find a middle ground! The hardest challenge is to be a clear thinker, so that we are not overreacting or underreacting to the many problems that will inevitably occur. With that advice I have probably fixed everything!
Susan from Florida: What are some of the things that mothers can do for a daughter that fathers cannot do? And in turn that fathers can do for their daughters that mothers cannot do?
Harriet Lerner: One of the great gifts a mother can give to her daughter is to live her own life as well as possible. It helps to put your primary "worry energy" into how you are conducting your own relationships with your child's father, your friends, and community. A daughter is her mother's apprentice. She looks to her mother to see what it means to be an adult woman and to see what her own future might look like, but this does not mean you have to be a perfect role model! Our daughters watch us and learn a great deal from our mistakes. But when our words say one thing, "Be an assertive young woman!" and our actions say another, "Mother herself has no voice with her husband" -- actions speak louder. Of course, fathers are important, too. A child is lucky to stay connected to two loving parents who also happen to respect each other. The emotional climate between the parents, whether they are married or divorced, is a really important influence on a kid.
Cynthia Wood from Portland, ME: I am expecting a child soon and am prepared for the fact that my husband and I will have less time for one another once the baby arrives. Do you think having a child really strengthens the bond between a husband and wife -- or adds more tension? How does a marriage change when the baby comes?
Harriet Lerner: This is a great question! I discuss it at length in my book. In a nutshell, your marriage will be both deeper and strained. And don't expect marital bliss during that difficult first year of your baby's life. In that one magical moment when daughter become mother, son becomes father, and parents become grandparents -- every person and relationship is called upon to make massive changes. Add to the picture disrupted sleep, unruly postpartum hormones, and the incredible demands of having a new baby -- it is quite remarkable that most marriages don't fly apart by the baby's first birthday.
Paula B. from Franklin, VA: What is the most important lesson you learned from being a mother?
Harriet Lerner: The most important lesson I learned is humility. Before I had children, I was amazed at the improper behavior of other moms. I knew when I became a mother I would never do these improper things. I won't yell at my kid, I won't fight with my husband with earshot, and I won't feed them at McDonald's. Certainly I wasn't going to be a worrier like my mom. Of course I did all of these things and more! We don't have a clue what our children will evoke in us until after we have them. The novelist Faye Weldon says it best: "The greatest advantage of not having children must be that you can go on thinking that you are a nice person. Once you have children you understand how wars start." My kids taught me that I was capable of deep compassion and love. They also taught me that I was not the calm, mature, highly evolved, saintlike person that I fancied myself to be before I became a mother.
Ray from Newport, RI: How do you feel divorce effects a child? What are some things a couple who are divorcing can do to soften the impact on their kids?
Harriet Lerner: Divorce is an incredibly painful transition for all family members, but it does not cause irreparable harm to kids. The problem is not divorce, the problem is the way people divorce. What hurts children are 3 things: 1) Poverty -- it is common that moms and kids become poor after divorce, and it is not just something that happens to other people; 2) Kids get caught in the intensity between their parents. They feel they have to choose sides or that loving one parent is a disloyalty to the other; 3) After divorce, kids often lose their connection to the father. If you can avoid the above pitfalls, and both parents stay connected to the children, the kids have every chance of flourishing after the initial crisis is over. The bottom line is this: When kids are involved, we need to work as hard on having a "good divorce" as we work on having a "good marriage." It really helps to see a family therapist who is an expert on navigating the divorce process.
Samantha from Miami, FL: I am a mother of three children, and I am always feeling anxious or guilty over how I handled a situation or what I said to a child. Why do mothers always feel so guilty? What can we do?
Harriet Lerner: Mothers tend to feel guilty and responsible for everything. We live in a very guilt-inducing and mother-blaming society, so you come by your guilt naturally. Try to let go of self-blame. The good news is that guilt is not terminal, and you are unlikely to die from it. Here is another piece of advice for all mothers: Avoid any expert or any book that makes you feel guilty. Mothers are guilty enough and should not pay money to be made to feel even more guilty.
Moderator: Thank you so much for joining us online, Harriet Lerner. We wish you a happy Mother's Day. Do you have any final comments for the online audience?
Harriet Lerner: Yes! I want to come back! These are wonderful questions, and there are so many more.
