Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
Are You Getting What You Want?
Outgrowing the Old Rules
Are you happy with the relationship you're in today? Or are you frustrated, knowing that no matter how hard you try, the open-heartedness that first drew you and your partner together seems awfully hard to win back? Perhaps you're in a difficult relationship that needs substantial change, or perhaps you are in a good-enough relationship that could be made better. Maybe you're looking for a new relationship that doesn't repeat the mistakes of the past. In any case, if you are reading these words, chances are you feel that something has been missing. It may be tempting to avoid acknowledging that feeling, but I'd like to ask you to trust your instinct. Twenty-five years of helping couples change and grow has taught me that if you feel things could be better, you're probably right. A lot better, in fact.
People may tell you that what you're looking for is unrealistic. I don't think so. Well-meaning friends and family may focus on your need to compromise. I don't want you to. Your relationship is too important for compromise. Your work may be rewarding, your kids great, and your friends wonderful, but in the end, your bond with the person you live out your life with--the one you grow up and grow old with--is the single most important connection you will ever have. I want you to go after what it is that you want--with skill and with love--and get it.
Both in counseling couples and in workshops I've lead around the country, I have taught people from all walks of life how to turn bad relationships into good ones, and good relationships into great ones. Because great is what you're really after. Great is what you deserve. Not merely a relationship you can live with, but one that is truly alive--passionately, tenderly, maddeningly filled to the brim with unexpected twists and turns, with comfort and solidity, with the sense of knowing and being known, and loving one another anyway. How do you get such a relationship? You don't get it, you build it, thoughtfully and skillfully, brick by brick.
Do you have the skills to do this? Have you been taught the craft of creating and sustaining a truly great relationship? If you're like most of us, your upbringing--that curious mixture of what you've picked up about how to be close from society in general and from your family in particular--has not only failed to give you the tools you need, but has actively filled your head with a bunch of unhelpful nonsense. Nonsense like "You'd better not make him too angry." Or, "If she really loved me, she'd . . ." Or, "I could be happy if only you'd . . ."
Like a tennis player who's performed well enough with rotten technique, in order to master relationships you don't just have to learn how to do it; first you have to unlearn all your bad habits. Think of me as your intimacy coach. Together, we're going to strip down your usual relationship routines and redo them, from the very basics. Will it be comfortable? Probably not. If it is, it means I'm not doing my job. Imagine going out on a tennis court with a totally new grip after years of holding your racquet in one familiar way. Comfortable? No. But does the new, proper grip give you a more effective stroke? Once you get used to it, there's no comparison.
Reading this, a part of you may be wondering, "Has the game of love really grown so technical that I need an intimacy coach just to have a decent relationship? Whatever happened to falling in love and, well . . . just getting along?" That kind of spontaneity is fine--if it's working for you....
