Read an Excerpt
Noises from Under the Rug
The Barry Louis Polisar Songbook
By Barry Louis Polisar, Michael Stewart Rainbow Morning Music
Copyright © 2005 Barry Louis Polisar
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-938663-24-9
CHAPTER 1
He Eats Asparagus, Why Can't You Be That Way?
He's never dirty, he always takes a bath,
He loves to do his homework too, especially math.
At school he is an angel, he always sits up straight,
He's always very helpful and never comes in late.
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He always says, "I'm sorry," "Excuse me," "Thank you," "Please,"
He always dresses nicely, not like me.
He's never spilt his milk, lost a glove or slammed a door,
Stuck out his tongue, giggled in school or left things on the floor.
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He goes to bed at nine each night and brushes all his teeth,
And Mommy wishes I was him and that he was me.
I've never even seen him burp, he does what he is told,
But the boy next door is thirty-four years old.
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I'm a 3-Toed, Triple-Eyed, Double-Jointed Dinosaur
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Factories are good for snacks,
I love that molten steel,
And you know we all need our supply
Of iron in our meals.
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I love to loaf, I love burnt toast,
Buttered asparagus too,
But the thing that I like most to eat
Is little kids just like you.
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I've Got a Teacher, She's So Mean
She never lets us laugh, she never lets us smile,
"Wipe that grin off your face;" you're acting like a child."
It's "Work-work-work; no late papers today."
She's tired of excuses and yells at us all day.
She doesn't like children, she doesn't like kids,
Likes only regulations, and you know I never did.
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I never see her laughing, she's so strict;
She never believes me me when I'm feeling sick.
She doesn't think it's funny when I fall off my chair.
And everybody knows that she's really unfair.
She can't understand me and I've got it made,
But I know she really loves me, 'cause I'm still in first grade.
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When the House Is Dark and Quiet
Cindy opens up the door, you should have seen her leap,
Then we tell her, "That's the place where the kitty always sleeps."
She starts yelling then she sends us both to bed,
But Tim and me don't understand a single thing she says.
Assured that Tim and I are finally lying sound asleep,
She settles on the sofa and turns on the TV,
So Tim sneaks to the basement to disconnect the fuse,
While I am in the attic thumping in my father's shoes.
Cindy checks the TV set, examining the plug,
While I crawl across the living room underneath the rug.
We go and put the goldfish in the toilet bowl,
And spread strawberry jelly on on the toilet paper roll,
Standing on the sofa with carrots up our noses,
Pretending we are monsters, not wearing any clothes-es.
Cindy says she won't come back, just like Mike and Sue,
Melody and Barbara, John and Linda, too.
Mom and Dad can't leave us now, though we know that they must,
But we can't understand why no one wants to stay with us.
Our Dog Bernard
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He ran off with the mailman
And is living with him now I hear,
Eating peanuts, pretzels and junk food,
Watching TV and drinking beer.
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Oh Bernard, Bernard, please come back
Bernard you know that I love you.
I'll let you ride in the Cadillac,
I'll make it all up to you.
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Tomorrow
Then my mommy said, "Clean your room,"
"Clean your room," "Clean your room,"
My mommy said, "Clean your room,
And make your bed."
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Then my uncle said, "Eat your food,
Eat your food, eat your food."
My uncle said, "Eat your food
And brush your teeth."
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Then my grandpa said, "Take a bath,
Take a bath, take a bath."
My grandpa said, "Take a bath
And change your socks."
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Then my grandma said, "Chocolate cake,
Chocolate cake, chocolate cake."
My grandma said, "Chocolate cake
And ice cream too."
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And they all said, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow."
They all said, "Tomorrow, you'll get it then."
Then I said, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow,"
I said, "Tomorrow, I'll get it then."
I Need You Like a Donut Needs a Hole
And I love you like flowers love the sun,
Like birds love to fly and kids like to run,
Like trees love leaves and leaves turn brown,
Like rabbits in a meadow like to hop around.
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When we are together, side by side,
It's like a roller coaster or a carousel ride.
The clouds all lift and sing with the trees,
The oak leaves dance along with the breeze.
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My Brother Threw Up On My Stuffed Toy Bunny
My dad tried to help when I started to scream;
He threw my bunny in the washing machine,
But my bunny, Bill, still smelled so bad,
And I lost the best friend that I ever had.
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So bunny now sits on my shelf at home,
Next to the smelly toy telephone
And the dirty old bear with the stains and the spots,
'Cause my little brother throws up a lot.
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Don't Put Your Finger Up Your Nose
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Don't put your finger in your eye,
That's not a thing I think you oughta try.
You can blink it, you can wink it,
But I don't think it
Would be good to put your finger in your eye.
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Don't stick your finger down your throat,
'Cause that will just make you start to choke.
Then up will come your dinner,
And you'll start to look much thinner,
Don't stick your finger down your throat.
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It's My Mother and My Father and My Sister and the Dog and My Two Little Brothers and Me
Everybody's screaming and poking at me; Timmy's got Tommy by the neck.
The dog is barking and he throws up too; Mom says we're gonna wreck.
My brother is yelling and pulling at me; He tries to climb over the seat.
My father swerves and slams on his brakes; I want something to eat.
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Timmy and Tommy are rolling in the back; the dog jumps in Daddy's lap.
My mom is screaming (she's really mad), Dad's gonna have a heart attack.
My sister's crying, my Mom is yelling, my Daddy stops the car.
They say they'll make us get out and walk. Who do they think they are?
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I Can't, I Can't
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
Yes, you can!
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
I can't–
I Wanna Be a Dog
Oh, I wanna be a dog,
Wanna lie on the floor,
Chase squirels and cats, get fed, get fat,
Chew your shoe and bark at the door.
Oh, I wanna be a dog,
I wanna dig holes,
Flirt with French poodles and basset hounds
And pee on telephone poles.
Oh, I wanna be a dog,
Wanna drool on the ground
Scratch fleas and ticks and run after sticks,
I just wanna be a hound.
Oh, I wanna have dog breath
And wake the neighbors, too.
I'll like your hand, be the best friend to man,
Don't have nothing better to do.
Oh, I wanna be a dog,
I want my nose to be wet.
I've got a college degree but all I wanna be
Is somebody else's pet.
I Don't Wanna Go to School
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Tom ducked his head beneath the sheets
And kicked his feet about.
His mother heard him whimpering
And told him not to pout.
"I can't face another day,
The children are not nice."
She wiped his cheek and told him to
Follow her advice.
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"But people laugh at me at school,"
Tom told his mom again,
"The teachers will not talk to me,
I don't have any friends."
"Now Tom, get up," said Tommy's mom,
She hoped he was convincible.
"You've got to go to school," she said,
"Because you are the Principal."
Underwear
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Some like the feel of cotton. I share this belief,
Likewise, I don't like boxer shorts, give me a pair of briefs.
Some don't like to talk about it — that's because they're shy,
People laugh at underwear, but I do not know why.
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Now don't use bleach on underwear, that's what my mom will say,
'Cause bleach will eat the fabric and soon they'll wash away,
And underwear with lots of holes is a sorry sight,
Look around and try to see who's wearing theirs too tight!
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My Mother Ran Away Today
She said that she was tired,
She said she'd had her fill
Of cooking our meals, washing our clothes,
And cleaning all our spills.
She said she'd write us letters
With no return address,
She said that she'd come back someday,
But now she had to rest.
She took the plants, she took the cats,
Took our pictures from the wall,
And though it's only been two hours,
I wish that she would call.
I never thought I'd miss her,
Isn't that the way?
You never know how much Mom means to you,
Until she runs away.
Thump, Thump, Thump
It was getting close.
Thump, thump, thump!
I thought it was a ghost.
Thump, thump, thump!
I dove under the covers.
Thump, thump, thump!
I screamed for my mother.
Thump, thump, thump!
No one answered back.
Thump, thump, thump!
I was gonna be attacked.
Thump, thump, thump!
The door started creaking.
Thump, thump, thump!
Somebody was sneaking.
Thump, thump, thump!
I was screaming and a-hollerin'–
Thump, thump, thump!
And something was a-followin'–
Thump, thump, thump!
Me around the room.
Thump, thump, thump!
I hoped my parents came soon.
Thump, thump, thump!
I closed my eyes.
Thump, thump, thump!
I said, "I don't wanna die."
Thump, thump, thump!
What could it be
Thump, thump, thump!
Coming after me?
Thump, thump, thump!
I tried again to shout.
Thump, thump, thump!
I never found out!
Thump, thump, thump!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Noises from Under the Rug by Barry Louis Polisar, Michael Stewart. Copyright © 2005 Barry Louis Polisar. Excerpted by permission of Rainbow Morning Music.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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