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CHAPTER 1
I'm back in my bedroom in a rented cottage in Beverly Glen, California. The window beside my bed is open. A small noise there causes me to stir. I look up through sleepy eyes and see a man, a stranger, and he's crawling in through my window. I try to scream but my throat is paralyzed. I want to run but my legs have lost all strength. As I sit up in bed, I see the other men, five of them, all strangers, all surrounding my bed, staring down at me. I know what is to follow — the beating and the raping — and a terrible panic overwhelms me, leaving me weak and helpless. I start to sob wildly, uncontrollably.
It is then that I wake up.
I rarely have the dream any more. But just a few years ago the dream came every night. I dreaded sleep because those men would always be there, surrounding my bed, waiting, threatening.
The dream comes from an earlier life — back when I was Linda Lovelace, the star of Deep Throat, the high princess of pornography. Most likely the dream springs from a specific incident, a hot summery day when a man named Chuck Traynor introduced me to prostitution by selling me to five men in a motel room in Florida. And every time I have the dream, I'm forced to go through feelings of fear and pain, of helplessness and hopelessness.
There was no escaping those feelings. Even when the dream ended, the memories would be there. I would wake up battered by a nightmare and the flashback would begin.
Flashback to —
A Holiday Inn in South Miami, a sprawling two-story building not far from the University of Miami. Walking with Chuck down the central corridor, up a flight of stairs, down another hallway to the end. The last room, Chuck knocking on the door three times, a man staring out at us, smiling, letting us in. Five men in the room, middle-aged, businessmen, wearing ties and jackets, having a drink, giving me the old once-over. Chuck talking to me in the dressing room, saying, "Those five guys out there — you're going to fuck every one of them" Me looking for the joke: "Chuck don't talk crazy." No joke: "You got no fucking choice. I already got the money. And that's something I want you to remember. The first thing you do is get the money ... now take off your clothes."
Saying no, then seeing the gun in Chuck's hand, listening to his insanity; "You know what I think? I think you're going to take off your clothes, all of your clothes, and then you're going to go out there and fuck those five guys. And if you don't I'm gonna put a bullet in your head right now."
And me, still innocent, still looking for a smile but seeing only a gun. "I'm gonna shoot you right now unless you get out there and do what I'm telling you." Knowing that he meant it, he wasn't lying; he would shoot me. Going numb then, the tears flooding my eyes as I remove my clothes, trembling, really shaking, too frightened to even pray. Chuck saying: "Stop your crying before you go out there. Crying is bad for business." Walking out into the room then, wearing nothing. A man coming over and putting his hands on my breasts: "Not bad. Chuck got us a nice young one this time."
The story of that day, that life, was told in an earlier book, Ordeal. In those days your worst nightmares were my everyday occurrences. For nearly three years I was enslaved by Traynor, a man who beat me and kicked me; a man who hypnotized me and sold me and traded me; a man who managed finally to turn me into a sexual zombie, able to do anything while feeling nothing.
The nightmares didn't end in 1973 with my escape from Chuck Traynor. Deep Throat was behind me; enslavement was behind me; a great deal was behind me. No longer was I forced to have sex with strangers for pay. No longer was I a party favor given freely to celebrities. However, although I was away from that life, I was not free of it. My nights were filled with dreams and my days were crowded with ghosts.
I was Chuck's profitable little sexual zombie and he wasn't about to give me up without a fight. He searched for me everywhere, and I had to go into hiding. Wherever Chuck went in those days, he carried a flight bag concealing a semiautomatic revolver. While I was hiding out, protected by professional bodyguards, I was shown a newspaper story about Chuck.
"She's either going to work for me or she'll work for nobody," I read. "I'll see to that. She's mistaken if she thinks she's going to do her nightclub act without me. ... I've made her what she is today. She'd be nothing without me."
It took a long time for my fear of Chuck to dissolve. Over and over again I tried to tell people what I had gone through — that I'd been brutalized, that I'd been a victim, that none of it was my idea — but no one wanted to hear that. Newspaper reporters couldn't write the truth because it would be "too libelous"; a well-known television host rapidly changed the subject; a publisher explained that the truth was too downbeat and would never sell as well as the fiction they had published about me in the past; even family and friends seemed cool and disinterested. The whole story was taken lightly and before long I stopped boring people with it.
In those days the truth could only be found in fragments. Playboy, for example, allowed that Chuck Traynor "played a sort of porn Svengali to the early Linda's Trilby."
One person who knew the truth was Gerry Damiano, director of Deep Throat. Although Damiano avoids interviews, he was talking about Chuck Traynor to a college audience and his remarks found their way into the Boston Phoenix: "That man (Chuck Traynor) was a nothing. He had no personality, no charm, no brains. He was just a user of people and he used Linda. He gave her nothing and abused her. He was very brutal with her. ... Many times she'd come on the set and be completely black and blue."
Isn't that amazing! Reading that gave me a classic set of mixed emotions. On the one hand: Thank God someone finally backed up my story. On the other hand: why didn't he do something at the time; why didn't he come to my rescue?
People always ask me why I didn't get help. Where would I have gotten help? From whom would I have gotten help? Here's Damiano admitting that he knew I was beaten viciously — yet he never lifted a finger to help me. He was by no means the only one.
Chuck never broke stride. Within a few weeks he was back at the old stand, managing — and later marrying — the second most famous pornographic star in the world, Marilyn Chambers, the former "Ivory Snow Girl." Marilyn Chambers began her porno career starring in Behind the Green Door and went on from there to ever bigger, ever more rotten movies.
It was impossible to get Traynor out of my mind. Because no matter what he did to me, no matter what crimes he committed in the past, he was free to wander wherever he wanted. And where he did a lot of his wandering was in front of the cameras.
Never alone. Alone, Chuck Traynor is less than nothing. So always he was seen with his current charge in tow. At first I felt Chuck and Marilyn were made for each other, that this was a match made in some strange porno heaven. But as I read the news accounts about the two of them, it seemed clear that Chuck was re-creating the same master-slave relationship he had with me. And the fact that "she smiles a lot" or "she looks like she likes it" has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
I watched the two of them on television and listened to Marilyn Chambers saying exactly the same things I used to say — how she lives for sex, how she can never get enough of that wonderful stuff, etc. — and I knew who was the author of both the lines and the sentiments.
The more I read about them, the more I could see Chuck was up to his old tricks. And the reporters who interviewed them seemed to notice that something was not quite right; to some it was like interviewing Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.
Ken Mayer in the Boston Herald-American: "Someone should tell Marilyn Chambers' manager Chuck Traynor that when a writer interviews his property, he should sit back, collect his 10 percent and zip his lip. ... Traynor should take a crash course on getting lost."
A story in the Los Angeles Free Press noted that Chuck did the talking while Marilyn did the giggling: "Whenever asked to comment on something related to her sexual experiences or the making of her hard-core features, Marilyn would giggle and defer to Chuck's more businesslike demeanor."
The San Antonio Express quoted Marilyn's tribute to Chuck's "transformational skill": "'Chuck changed my whole appearance,' Miss chambers swallows her beer. 'He taught me to be a lady.' And what is a lady? 'A lady,' says Miss Chambers gravely, 'A lady is someone who looks good. And doesn't speak unless she's spoken to."'
The most ominous note appeared in a column written by Larry Fields of the Philadelphia News. Traynor, as usual, was doing all the talking. "Hovering by Marilyn's side was her lover-manager-Svengali Chuck Traynor. ... Marilyn interrupted to ask for permission to go to the bathroom. 'Not right now,' Traynor said." When Marilyn asked a second time, Traynor snapped at her, "Just sit there and shut up." When Larry Fields urged Traynor to let her go to the bathroom, Traynor turned on the columnist and snarled, "I don't tell you how to write your columns. Don't tell me how to treat my broads."
Now that's vintage Chuck. In Larry Fields's world, the world most of us take for granted, these kinds of things do not happen. Adults do not ask each other for permission to go to the bathroom. But for two years, if I wanted to go to the bathroom or read a magazine or file my nails, I asked permission first.
I didn't have enough feeling left to feel sorry for Marilyn Chambers. Besides — thank God! — the pressure was off me. It took a court order to accomplish it, but Chuck was leaving me alone. Finally, I could come out of hiding and be ... what? I had no idea. Be myself, I guess. But who was that?
Everyone seemed to think I would just go back and be Linda Lovelace again, that I would star in pornographic movies and distribute my sexual favors as freely as Chuck had done. Only this time around, naturally, I'd be able to keep the profits for myself.
Everyone wanted me to do the same thing. Famous lawyers and high-priced accountants offered to set my affairs straight-and then they'd say why don't we get a bottle of champagne and maybe we can talk it over in front of the fireplace. This always came as a shock; still, it almost always came.
One acquaintance who was selling cocaine said, "Hey, all we have to do is get together and you don't have to pay a thing."
The person I knew best and trusted most had just one message for me: Go for it! She would say, "You've already done it — what difference could it possibly make now? You can clean up, you can have a ball."
CHAPTER 2
I was getting plenty of offers but they weren't the kind of offers I wanted. Offers like: "There's this guy over at MGM — if you're nice to him, he'll be nice to you." Offers like: "I know a vice president at Universal who will use you in a comedy and all he wants is a little deep throat." Offers like: "All you have to do is throw in one little deep-throat scene and the producer will kick in an extra $40,000."
No one could understand my reluctance. At this point it must have seemed as though I had nothing to lose. They explained that this was the way things had always been done in Hollywood, and after all, it's not as though I was still a virgin.
I listened to everyone and thought it over. And the first thing I did was establish lines that I wouldn't cross, no matter what. For example, there would be no more sex for someone else's entertainment or benefit. No matter what the world thought of me, I had never willingly been a whore and I was not going to start now.
That was never a real temptation. I can remember at least a dozen times when Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner tried to set me up with himself and one of his super-bunnies. But that kind of thing was never going to be my kind of thing again.
What lines didn't I draw? Well, I had completed an idiotic little R-rated movie entitled Linda Lovelace for President and that didn't bother me too much. I posed for a nude spread in Playboy and that didn't disturb me. Nudity was not really a big issue, not after all I'd been through. Very little mattered to me at this time. Whether I made money or not, whether I showed up for court dates or not, whether I was seen nude or not — none of that really mattered.
After Chuck's departure, my new advisers wanted me to walk around in transparent clothing. I did what I was told. When they wanted me to go to the opening of Ascot in England in a see-through dress, it never occurred to me not to do it.
It was all carefully explained to me. Public nudity was part of my "transition process," the gradual transition from pornography to movie stardom. After all, I couldn't just start dressing like a nun, could I? Once you've lost your self-esteem, it takes quite a while to get it back. For a long time I remained a robot, doing just what my new advisers told me to do.
And so what if I wore a see-through dress That was better than being thrown into a room with a dozen men and having a dildo inserted into every opening. No, the nudity really didn't bother me at all.
And what of the future? I hadn't the slightest idea. I'd never had a chance to become acquainted with myself. I'd gone directly from my parents' home to Chuck Traynor's world of prostitution and pornography and I had no idea what made me tick.
In effect, I had never been more than a visitor in the real world, the normal workaday world. During the past few years I had done little more than practice and perfect every perversion known to this civilization. Still immature, still unable to stand on my own two feet, I had been cast out into a world I didn't know at all.
In the year 1973, I was undoubtedly the most widely known sex star in the world. In fact, by this time I had graduated from sex symbol to sexual caricature, from national scandal to national joke. (Playboy even printed a full page of Linda Lovelace jokes. Example: "We suppose it's only a matter of time before some pharmaceutical house comes out with Linda Lovelace Lovers' Quarrel Pills — to be taken when someone you ate disagrees with you.")
I felt like an ex-convict who has spent his entire life behind bars and one day is turned out, blinking, into the sunlight. Just that suddenly I found myself away from my captor and among people who had never experienced the terror I took for granted. I was standing there, not knowing which way to turn. I knew who I was not but I had no idea who I was — other than being confused and scared and alone.
Perhaps not quite alone. In those days I had one constant companion. Her name was Linda Lovelace — and there seemed no way for me to get rid of her. I smiled her slightly crooked smile and spoke in her soft voice and it was only natural that people would mix up the two of us. As a result of this confusion — because people thought that I was she and that she was I — I always needed protection.
I needed someone to keep the crowds away. I needed lawyers to protect me (often from other lawyers); I needed accountants to collect (and give out) my money; and I desperately needed a normal man in my life, someone to discourage the creeps, and to hold me when the nightmares came.
But Linda Lovelace was a valuable property and men could not seem to behave in a normal way around her. They wouldn't leave her alone, not when so much easy money was within easy reach. True enough, I no longer had to perform perverted sex acts with everyone Chuck Traynor nominated. But it's also true that I was still a long way from starring in either a remake of Gone With the Wind or the new Gidget Goes Ga Ga. As my new advisers kept telling me, it was going to be a slow process, this climb to respectability.
How right they were! But neither they nor I realized the climb would take a full decade. Until those first decent propositions came along, I had to take some of what was offered. This meant going to England and wearing see-through clothes. That meant going to Harvard and accepting a special award from the boys ("To that actor or actress most willing to flout convention and risk worldly damnation in the pursuit of artistic fulfillment"). That meant tackling a stage play in Philadelphia and subjecting myself to the kind of reviews, as one writer saw it, that "An Egyptian President might expect if he were playing Tel Aviv."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Out Of Bondage"
by .
Copyright © 1986 Linda Lovelace and Mike McGrady.
Excerpted by permission of Lyle Stuart Inc..
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