The book is written around common parent issues, questions, and frustrations. Parents will relate to the real-life dilemmas addressed in chapters on Home and Family, School, Friends and Peers, Work, Image, and Special Issues. Parents will find comfort and reassurance in the assets-based parenting perspective and advice.
The book is written around common parent issues, questions, and frustrations. Parents will relate to the real-life dilemmas addressed in chapters on Home and Family, School, Friends and Peers, Work, Image, and Special Issues. Parents will find comfort and reassurance in the assets-based parenting perspective and advice.
Parenting at the Speed of Teens: Positive Tips on Everyday Issues
134
Parenting at the Speed of Teens: Positive Tips on Everyday Issues
134eBook
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Overview
The book is written around common parent issues, questions, and frustrations. Parents will relate to the real-life dilemmas addressed in chapters on Home and Family, School, Friends and Peers, Work, Image, and Special Issues. Parents will find comfort and reassurance in the assets-based parenting perspective and advice.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781574824483 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Search Institute Press |
| Publication date: | 05/01/2004 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 134 |
| File size: | 924 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Parenting at the Speed of Teens
Positive Tips on Everyday Issues
By Ruth Taswell
Search Institute Publication
Copyright © 2004 Search InstituteAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57482-845-0
CHAPTER 1
Getting Along: Parents and Teens
Your Dilemma:
"Sometimes I think Selena believes I was put
here to be at her beck and call. I need her to
understand how busy my schedule is, too."
or
"Every time Josh and I talk, he winds up
yelling and slamming the door!"
As the parent of a teen, you probably have days when you wish you could take a long break from parenting. The "job" sometimes just feels too hard. You may find yourself asking: Why is it so difficult to get along?
While you can't control your kid's behavior, you can control your own. You can do much to make life more peaceful in your home. By finding ways to show you're truly there for your teen, you can help create a home that feels supportive, positive, and loving for everyone.
RESOLVE CONFLICTS PEACEFULLY
Let your teen know you expect disagreement at times, but you also expect everyone to work through conflict in agreed-upon ways. When conflicts arise, really listen to what your teen has to say, even if it doesn't seem to make sense. And try not to interrupt or show impatience, even if your teen does.
Ask if you may give a suggestion. If the answer is no, respect that. If it is "I don't care," go ahead and take the response as a yes and offer your idea. If your discussion has become especially heated, take some time apart before continuing.
PROVIDE FAMILY SUPPORT
Show your love for your teen — without expecting anything in return. Say, "I love you" — don't assume he or she knows. Be affectionate, but respect your teen's "space." If a hug is too much, try a touch on the shoulder or write a special note.
Spend time with each of your teens individually, and make it clear that this time is valuable to you. It's important, too, to try to have at least one family meal every day and a special family night once a week, even if it seems that a night of fun rarely includes parents in your teen's mind. You can make a family night fun, and it doesn't have to be the entire evening. Let your teen choose the family activity.
COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AS A FAMILY
Let your teen know that you're always available to listen. Try to hear what he or she is saying without judging, criticizing, or correcting. Encourage your daughter or son to use words to describe emotions directly and constructively (e.g., "I feel really sad that Jessica's moving away" rather than "Why do we have to live in this stupid place?").
Avoid making certain topics "off-limits." You're entitled to some privacy, of course, and so is your teen. Make it clear that you'll do your best to answer sincere and respectful questions.
VALUE YOUTH
Ask your teen's opinions on different matters. You may not agree with those opinions, but it's important to allow for safe discussion of ideas to show that you value your teen's input. Creating opportunities to share in responsibilities can be an important step toward a more mutual relationship, too.
SET FAMILY BOUNDARIES
Set ground rules for discussion in your family that everyone can uphold. Avoid ignoring each other's requests, telling each other's secrets, or embarrassing one another in front of friends. It helps to model healthy relationships with your own parents also.
KEEP EXPECTATIONS HIGH
Be clear about what you expect from your teen and why you have these expectations: because of her or his many talents, interests, and abilities! Ask whether your teen considers your expectations fair, and invite her or him to identify personal expectations. Remind your teen that high expectations are not just about obedience but also about reaching for a personal best and living up to potential. Also ask your teen what expectations he or she has for you as a parent.
BUILD SELF-ESTEEM
When your teen makes mistakes, distinguish between the behavior and who he or she is (e.g., you might say, "I can see you're angry, but slamming the door is not acceptable" rather than, "Don't you dare slam that door again!"). Hold your teen accountable for actions, but allow room to make mistakes and realize limits.
SERVE YOUR KIDS WELL
Getting along with teens can be challenging at times, no doubt about it. Of course, they may feel the same way about getting along with adults. The skills you teach them — and model for them — for getting along with all family members will serve them well in everything they do.
CHAPTER 2Getting Along: Siblings
Your Dilemma:
"Leticia keeps picking fights with Melissa
because we spend a lot of time going to
Melissa's gymnastics meets.
I think she's jealous."
or
"Dan and Deanna are at it constantly.
The fighting and yelling — it's driving me crazy."
Living with brothers and sisters is most children's first experience in learning how to get along with other people. But no matter how well behaved your kids are, if there is more than one in the house, they will argue. Brothers and sisters are unique individuals who at times have conflicting or differing interests and needs, just as you and a spouse or partner may have. The question about sibling conflicts is, when should you dive in — and how — and when should you let your kids work it out themselves?
COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AS A FAMILY
Reassure your teens that disagreements are normal but constant fighting is upsetting, and you value a peaceful home. It's important not to deny what one of your kids is feeling toward her or his sibling. Teach them how to use "I" statements to express feelings directly without making accusations (e.g., "I feel angry when you do that" instead of "You make me so mad" or "You are so stupid").
SET FAMILY BOUNDARIES
Set firm limits about verbal exchanges. For example, you might have a rule that name-calling isn't an acceptable way to express anger. Make it clear that some activities, such as play wrestling and tickling, are only allowed if both kids consider them fun.
If your kids choose to ignore your limits, remind them of consequences you previously determined together. Be consistent without shaming or blaming. Keep in mind that you may renegotiate boundaries to change over time — except for bottom-line issues of physical health and safety.
RESOLVE CONFLICTS PEACEFULLY
The more you stay out of normal bickering or minor fights, the more likely it is that your teens will learn to settle differences on their own. Get involved when the situation threatens to become emotionally or physically hurtful. Acknowledge your kids' anger and give each a chance to speak. It's important not to take sides. Even though they are maturing in many ways, they still need your help in learning how to negotiate, compromise, share, and take turns. If they can't resolve the situation, give them time apart to think it over.
PROVIDE FAMILY SUPPORT
Avoid comparing one of your kids to another, which can affect either's self-esteem and increase jealousy and envy. Encourage your teens to spend time together doing things they both enjoy. Teens don't always express their interests, or they may share only what they know you want to hear, so be sure to affirm each of their unique talents even if they don't match yours or anyone else's in the family.
MODEL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
Let your children see you having good relationships with your own siblings. Point out the qualities you like about your brothers or sisters. If you don't get along with your own siblings, talk about it. If your kids understand how hurting a brother's or sister's feelings can affect the relationship and everyone's self-esteem, they may be more careful about what they say and do with their siblings.
LOVE YOUR KIDS FOR WHO THEY ARE
Sibling fights happen for a variety of reasons — attention seeking, jealousy, competition, teasing. If you show your teens that you love each of them for who they are and help them learn how to communicate well and resolve conflict, you will give them what they need to enjoy other important relationships in their future.
CHAPTER 3TV
Your Dilemma:]
"Jamie just sits in front of the TV when he
gets home from school. He barely says hello.
He goes right for that remote."
or
"That show Renée watches is all about sex.
Sure, the characters are teenagers.
But they're all teenagers having sex!"
Television can be fun and relaxing, and for many people, some TV programming also offers an educational and cultural connection to the outside world. But TV programming can also be violent, disturbing, stupid, or just plain loud. Often the center of many homes, a TV can fill up the "space" between family members, creating distance instead of connection.
When TV assumes too great a role in your teen's life (or in yours), its hypnotic effects can drain time and energy for other activities. Fortunately, you can put TV in its place and point out various reasons and alternatives for moving off the couch.
SET FAMILY BOUNDARIES
To avoid continuous fighting, talk with your teen about what's okay to watch and how often — while the TV set is turned off. Talk about the values communicated in TV shows and how they relate to your family's own values. Work together to set clear boundaries and explain why certain boundaries are important (e.g., it's okay to watch educational shows but not daytime talk shows).
Put the TV in a less prominent location — not the living room or your teen's bedroom — so that it's not the focal point of your home life. When TV watching is less frequent and its presence less obvious, and your teens are reading more, playing games and music, or involved in other activities, they may end up losing some interest in it.
BE A ROLE MODEL
Think about your own viewing habits. Are there changes you could make that would affect how you live? The choices you make about watching TV send messages to the rest of the family.
READ FOR PLEASURE
Encourage your teen to read anything that appeals to her or him — books, poetry, magazines, picture books, even comic books. Keep in mind that some teens may prefer nonfiction. Give them books you loved when you were their age. Offer a magazine subscription as a holiday or birthday gift.
Let your teen see you enjoying reading. Read aloud to each other pieces that make you laugh or touch you in some way. Encourage your son or daughter to read to younger siblings or to older adults at senior residences.
For a hard-to-convince teen, rent videos of books and drop hints of how the book had lots more details. For a reluctant reader, leave books around to discover — you may even leave notes inside them about your favorite parts.
BE CREATIVE
Promote artistic interests, such as music, drawing, acting, and writing. Such activities can help teens achieve in other subjects (e.g., drawing helps writing, drama makes history vivid) and give them positive, healthy ways to express conflicting emotions and get a handle on the ups and downs of the teen years.
Display your teen's work or encourage him or her to perform for others. (Parents often do this for younger children but stop as children get older.) Avoid putting anyone on the spot. Plan ahead to schedule time as a family to listen to music, go to a museum (most have a free day), attend a play (school performances are free or inexpensive), or watch a video performance or concert.
ENCOURAGE YOUTH PROGRAMS
Help your teen find structured activities that appeal to individual interests, particularly during after -school hours when he or she might otherwise be home alone. Getting involved in clubs, recreational or athletic activities, or cultural or faith-based youth groups can help teens feel more connected with other people their age. These are opportunities to actively do something they enjoy rather than just passively watch others.
NURTURE CONNECTIONS
The more you can help your teen find meaningful connections in daily life — with other people, with nature, with books and sports, music and art — the less likely he or she is to feel disconnected and to rely on an inactive form of entertainment. By turning off the TV more often than turning it on, you can provide the quiet your child needs to hear life calling.
CHAPTER 4The Internet
Your Dilemma:
"It seems like Sydney's on the computer 24/7. She never gets outside or reads a book anymore." or "I'm worried about Julio. I think he may have 'met' someone older online."
How do you monitor your teen's time on the Internet without making her or him feel you're interfering too much? Web filters and online services are one way to help protect children from the Internet's negative influences. But they're certainly no cure-all, and sometimes they actually block young people from good content designed especially for them.
The Internet is an amazing portal to learning and exploring opportunities, but like TV and video games, it can suck away time in an inactive way. When dealing with Internet issues, you can help keep your kid safe from the array of potential threats and pitfalls without overriding its usefulness and fun.
SET FAMILY BOUNDARIES
Agree on limits to Internet use that seem as fair as possible to both you and your teen. Be prepared to make adjustments. To help balance time playing Internet-based games and instant messaging friends, encourage your daughter or son to seek out sites that relate to suitable hobbies and interests. Consider keeping the computer located where it is easier to informally monitor your teen's Internet use (e.g., in the kitchen, not in your teen's bedroom) and to reduce isolated time spent on the computer.
COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AS A FAMILY
Ask your teen about favorite Web sites and why he or she likes them. Emphasize what you hope your teen will get out of surfing. Spend time surfing the net together. Let your daughter teach you some of what she knows, or ask your son to do some information gathering for the family (e.g., for a trip).
Make sure your teen knows that you're using filters for protection from others, not because you do not trust her or him to use the Internet responsibly. If your teen comes across any uncomfortable information (e.g., pornographic sites), encourage discussions about it. Let your child know you realize it may feel embarrassing, but reassure her or him of your support. Be sure to talk about safety tips (see next page).
ENSURE SAFETY
If your teen is shy, the Internet may be especially appealing because it's often easier to talk to people online than in person. But you should instruct your son or daughter never to give out personal information. Most often this information is used for advertising purposes, but from time to time, unsafe adults use it to coerce or harm young people.
BE HONEST
Because people often misrepresent themselves and information is often misleading on the Internet, teach your teen to question what is shown online — that it's not all necessarily believable. Talk with your son or daughter, too, about being honest and avoiding the temptation to misrepresent who he or she is.
PROMOTE CULTURAL COMPETENCE
Encourage your teen to correspond with young people from different countries. Many pen pal sites on the Web (check with the language teachers at your teen's school or a librarian for a current safe reference) will connect young people who have similar interests. With an easy way to exchange information about what teen life is like in different places, your son or daughter can learn about different cultures as well as gain a deeper understanding of his or her own cultural identity.
GET AND GIVE GUIDANCE
When used with care, the Internet can be fun, safe, and an excellent source of information and means of communication. Don't hesitate to find out what the Internet policy is at your local library and at your teen's school and adopt a similar guideline for your family. Ask librarians and teachers, as well as other Internet users, for additional tips and guidance so that your teen can make the most of the Internet.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Parenting at the Speed of Teens by Ruth Taswell. Copyright © 2004 Search Institute. Excerpted by permission of Search Institute Publication.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Title Page,Copyright Page,
Foreword,
INTRODUCTION - Are You Enjoying the Ride?,
Getting Along: Parents and Teens,
Getting Along: Siblings,
TV,
The Internet,
Chores,
Curfew,
Junk Food,
School and Homework,
Graduation and Beyond,
Bullying/Being Bullied,
Violence at School,
Friends,
Other Caring, Responsible Adults,
Dating,
Sexuality,
Stress Management,
Self-Acceptance,
Anger Management,
Depression,
Jobs Outside the Home,
Money,
Appearance,
Body Image,
Separation/Divorce,
Single Parenting,
Race and Ethnicity,
Substance Use and Abuse,
Tragedy,
40 Developmental Assets for Adolescents (Ages 12–18),
Parent's Developmental Assets Daily Checklist,
Helpful Resources for Parents and Teens,