The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development

by Richard Weissbourd

Overview

In The Parents We Mean to Be, Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd argues incisively that parents-not peers, not television-are the primary shapers of their children's moral lives. His original field research reveals surprising, real threats to children's moral and emotional development. Parents' intense focus on children's happiness and parental obsession with achievement has eroded their influence as moral mentors. The widespread desire of parents to be closer to their children-a wonderful trend in many respects-can also imperil children's moral growth.

Weissbourd highlights inspiring parents, teachers, and coaches, as well as concrete strategies for raising moral, happy children. He makes the case that our primary focus as adults should be not on children's happiness but on their ability to manage destructive impulses and to appreciate and take responsibility for others-qualities that are at the heart of morality and lasting well-being.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780547248035
Publisher:	Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Publication date:	09/03/2010
Pages:	241
Sales rank:	404,749
Product dimensions:	5.20(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Richard Weissbourd is a child and family psychologist on the faculty of Harvard's School of Education and Kennedy School of Government. His writing has appeared in the New York Times , Boston Globe , and Chicago Tribune . Weissbourd is the author of The Vulnerable Child , recently named by the American School Board Journal as one of the top ten educational books of all time.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii

A Note on Methods xi

Introduction 1

1 Helping Children Manage Destructive Emotions 9

2 Promoting Happiness and Morality 37

3 The Real Danger in the Achievement Craze 61

4 When Being Close to Children Backfires 81

5 Moral Adults: Moral Children 99

6 The Real Moral Power of Schools 115

7 The Morally Mature Sports Parent 137

8 Cultivating Mature Idealism in Young People 165

9 Key Moral Strengths of Children Across Race and Culture 177

Conclusion: Moral Communities 195

Notes 207

Index 229

Editorial Reviews

…offers a nuanced, comprehensive analysis of the role of parents as moral mentors—and how an unhealthy closeness between parents and children can undermine it…Though there's a fair amount of therapy-speak here, Weissbourd also offers compelling evidence and vivid examples.
—The Washington Post

Nora Krug

Harvard psychologist Weissbourd (The Vulnerable Child ) delivers a direct, digestible wakeup call about the need for better moral instruction for children. Enlisting a battery of researchers to conduct interviews with students, teachers and parents mostly in the Boston area and the South, Weissbourd asserts quite forcefully and repetitively that by abdicating moral authority to popular culture and children's peers, by shielding children from their destructive behavior, by letting fathers "off the hook" and by insisting on children's happiness rather than their goodness, adults are failing their own children. Weissbourd looks at the role of shame in engendering children's destructive acts, and how it can result from parents' excessive expectations and fears of their children's emotions. Promoting an elusive notion of happiness sacrifices important lessons in empathy, appreciation and caring, while parents' self-interest continually "erodes the basis for community." The author advocates checking parents' overweening drive for achievement in our children, refraining from wanting to be their best friend and cultivating a healthy idealism. He cites a woeful lack of self-awareness by parents and the need for building alliances with teachers and other parents. His chapter on the "morally mature sports parent" is a sober reminder of why we want our children to play sports. Moral strengths and failures among different cultures are particularly explored in this strongly worded work that barely grazes the tip of the iceberg. (Mar.)

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