Read an Excerpt
The Porn Star Guide to Great Sex
By Marcus St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2010 Mr. Marcus
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-2095-7
CHAPTER 1
A Sexual Life
Several years ago, a married couple introduced themselves to me at a local convention and told me how much they loved my movies. I was a little taken aback that the husband let his wife watch porn. As if he'd read my mind, he smiled and said, "She always picks out your movies. You're her favorite." Back then I was still new to the industry. I hadn't thought about couples watching porn together. I thought only single men were the audience for my movies. I'd even thought that wives wouldn't want their husbands watching other people have sex. This couple seemed so "normal" and happy. Meeting them gave me a better understanding of how porn could relate to couples and that it had a far wider audience than I had thought.
Great Sex
Since my early teens, I've had sex and what it means to other people on my mind. But I wouldn't know about great sex until many years later. Sex satisfies a need. Great sex satisfies the soul, can bring a new element to an old relationship, and pull you and your partner closer.
Sex in a relationship is a happy necessity. For the woman it creates a bond with her man that strengthens the love between them. For the man it boosts his confidence, improves his boldness in the bedroom, and expresses his affection and appreciation for his woman. Intimacy is key when striving for a healthy sexual bond that will withstand the tough times. It's important to find time to appreciate each other and to express the love and attraction you have for each other.
There is a great saying, "Whatever you did to get her, continue to do to keep her." This not only applies to men, but to women as well. It should be a welcome challenge to continue to find ways to impress the person you love.
Great sex isn't easy when you're distant, distracted, and exhausted. It takes passion, time, and inspiration, and that can sometimes be hard to come by. Leave the problems of the world outside your door and spend quality time with the one you love. "Me time" is great, but you need "our time" as well.
It's helpful to keep a mental checklist of your lover's likes and dislikes. This way you always know what they like and can give it to them whenever they need it. Does he or she like hot baths, flowers, foot rubs, blow jobs in the car, doing it in public, or cuddling on the couch? Respecting and taking care of your partner's needs is a necessary step toward deeper, meaningful, great sex.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
As noted in the well-known book, men and women are different, emotionally and sexually. But I don't think we're so different that we're from separate planets, even though our differences sometimes make it feel that way. And in no place is that difference greater than in the bedroom.
For most men "satisfying" sex is all about getting hard and coming, while most women crave feelings of closeness and tenderness just as much as sexual excitement. Often it's very easy (and common) for a man to have satisfying sex without meeting his lover's needs of closeness and intimacy.
What we want from each other is a good way to gauge what we are able to give. Men want comfort, caring, empathy, and company. Women want caring, closeness, and intimacy. The woman a man chooses has to take into account who he is as a person and be able to support and nurture his potential. The man a woman chooses has to take into account who she is as a person and be a caring, sexually attentive man she can talk to, who is also able to satisfy her needs.
LEARN TO COMMUNICATE
Talking to each other, particularly about sex, benefits everyone, but few of us find it easy to discuss personal and sexual preferences. Sharing these intimate thoughts and feelings with your lover means revealing private parts about yourself. This makes people, men in particular, uncomfortable.
Fellas, the best time to talk about sex is during sex. You should try to be appreciative, letting your woman know what you like while you're enjoying it. Like, "I love the way you're sucking my dick. Keep doing it just like that." It's also helpful to ask her directly, "Do you like that?" "Does this feel good?" Let her know that you care about her enjoyment and are responsive to her needs while letting her know you like what she's doing. This helps her to understand what you like and how you like her to do it.
However, some men may find it easier to bring up sex at other times, particularly if they're in a relationship and don't usually talk about sex while in bed. You can try casually bringing up the subject over a drink or during dinner, when you're both comfortable and relaxed. Or bring it up indirectly, like after you've seen something related on TV or something you've read.
LEARN TO LISTEN
Listening to your lover is just as important as talking to them. Show an interest in what they're saying by stopping whatever you're doing and looking directly at him or her. When you respond be empathetic as well as sympathetic and caring. Often women just want to be soothed and not necessarily told what they're doing wrong or how to do it better. Sometimes they just want their man to listen to them and understand how they're feeling. Around this time a good hug certainly wouldn't hurt anything.
Ladies, men often just want you to listen to them; and usually they want you to agree with them. This isn't the time to tell your man that his boss is right and that he is sloppy. It's the time to give him your full attention. Nod and be empathetic. Maybe when he's done a good hug could be just what he needed.
Sex Versus Intimacy
Have you ever woken up the morning after "great" sex to find that you're feeling unsatisfied, even uncomfortable with the person in bed with you? What you're feeling is a lack of intimacy. What happened the night before was two people seeking self-satisfaction. There's nothing wrong with a one-night stand or seeking self-satisfaction if that's what you both want. But it's another story if you're looking for something deeper. Genuine love and intimacy aren't instant emotions. They're things that you achieve only by knowing someone, and caring about their needs and feelings. Don't get confused; this doesn't just apply to sexual flings or one-night stands, this feeling of not having intimacy can quite often happen in long-term relationships.
INSTANT GRATIFICATION
Each of us has five significant parts to our lives: the physical, the emotional, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. All five of these parts are designed to work together. One of the challenges is that we want instant gratification. When the need for intimacy in a relationship is not met, we look for an instant solution, often trying to find it in physical closeness.
It is easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be intimate with someone in any of the other four areas. You can become physically intimate with a person in an hour, or half hour, depending on the urge. But you soon discover that sex may only provide temporary relief because there is a much deeper need that is not being met.
WHAT IS INTIMACY?
Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations, but it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives — yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means sharing, being open and vulnerable.
Although we long for closeness, we're often afraid to be vulnerable. We've all been hurt. Once that happens we close down a part of ourselves, vowing never to let it happen again. By doing that we limit our chances of true intimacy and love with our partner. It's true that the closer you get to someone, the greater potential there is for pain, but this fear of pain keeps us from finding, making, and maintaining that deeper connection that we all need.
WHAT IS LOVE?
First, let me tell you what it isn't. It's not a dreamy, blissful state where all fears, doubts, and worries melt away and everything works out. Love isn't what Hollywood would have us think it is, where we meet "the one" and everything becomes miraculously perfect. Love is work. Love is about giving. Love is about understanding. Love is about doing things differently. Love is about unselfishness, understanding, and caring. Not necessarily things that come easily to us.
We use the term falling in love, but funny enough, love isn't falling, unless it feels like falling down a flight of stairs. We don't fall in love; we create love. In other words, you give to your partner and by giving you create love. The more of yourself you invest into anything or anyone, the more attached you feel to that other thing or person.
That might sound simple, but doing it is hard. It requires a leap of faith and it takes time and work to finally accept the fact that relationships are not about getting all our needs and wants met, but also unselfishly meeting your partner's needs as well.
Making Time for Sex
During stressful times and in long-term relationships it's very important to make time for sex. This might seem pretty obvious, but when we're stressed, overworked, depressed, and unhappy with our lives, we often take ourselves, our partner, and our sex life for granted.
This might surprise you, but many people in long-term relationships often have very little or no sex for months. Talk about irony, here you've spent all that time finding the "right" person, you're monogamous, and now you're not getting laid. Why? Consider the stress of everyday life, long hours working, long and stressful commutes, an imploding economy, job and money worries, kids and obligations, or just plain old fatigue. To make matters worse, we don't usually see this coming until it's too late. Then we don't know what to do or, worse, we blame our partner. However, the solution is simple; make time for each other. Make having time together a top priority. In some cases it can be as simple as scheduling it in.
The other thing you need to realize is that living together — married or not — often takes the anticipation out of sex. Remember those wonderful days at the beginning of the relationship, the hot anticipation of getting together? Well, all that buildup makes for terrific sex. And it's hard to replicate it once you're sharing the mortgage, housework and, supposedly, can do it anytime.
QUICKIES
Get in the habit of having quickies. They last only ten minutes and can stimulate your sex life and make for better sex. Morning sex can be invigorating, especially if he practices controlling his ejaculation. Men, train yourself not to come in the morning, but to carry the energy built up from the morning quickie into the day. You'll be surprised at how much more energizing it is. By evening, you'll be all over each other.
Women will find it energizing as well as liberating because you won't need to worry about taking longer to get excited or to come; just get into it for ten minutes before you get out of bed, almost like a morning meditation. You'll soon find that the time it takes for you to get turned on will dramatically decrease the more you have these quickies. You'll also be more likely to come later when you both get together.
SEX BEFORE DINNER
Don't always leave sex until bedtime. After dinner, staring at the television brings back the fatigue and strains of the day, leaving you with more of a desire to sleep than to fuck. Try having sex before dinner. Once a week, come home and go straight to bed with a glass of wine and a few snacks, then devote yourself to your lover for the next ninety minutes. Later a nice shower, and preparing dinner together ensures intimacy and togetherness as well as great sex.
MAKE-OUT SESSIONS
Meet for a movie after work and make sure you sit in the back row. You're not there to enjoy the film, but to enjoy each other. So, hold hands and make out like you're teenagers who don't have a place to go in order to be together. Remember back when you were young and making out was all you got? Well, it'll make it even sexier knowing that you can go home and finish what you started. By the end of the movie you should be ready to rip each other's clothes off. But don't. Instead go out for dinner; prolong the excitement and anticipation. This anticipation was what made dating so much fun. When we're in long-term relationships or live together we're so used to having each other close by that we don't take care of making each time exciting and fresh.
SEX NIGHT
People make the mistake of believing that sex should always be spontaneous. Trouble is if you wait for the perfect moment it may never happen. Life happens and things come up. So there's nothing wrong with picking one night a week to be a regular sex night. That way, you can plan ahead by getting more sleep the night before and getting in the mood that day. Leave a note or make a dirty phone call in anticipation. Wear his or her favorite outfit to work with something special underneath and be sure they know about it. Have your favorite foods or sex toys around. Make sure to talk about what you'll be doing later throughout the morning and during the day to keep the anticipation high.
On your night in, set the mood by pretending you're making your own porno. Light candles, burn incense, pick up your favorite foods and outfits, select the music so that it will turn your lover on. These small touches go a long way to stimulating your sex drive and strengthening your sexual bond.
Use this night to focus on each other only in a positive way, reconnecting to the things you love or find sexy about your partner. Sex is an important ingredient to make that connection count. The saying "We reap what we sow," is particularly appropriate in relationships. If you put in the work to make sure your relationship is a priority and you maintain and strengthen the sexual and intimate bond, you'll find that the world will be a much better place because you'll be happy and satisfied at home.
STAYING IN FOR THE WEEKEND
Articles about spicing up your sex life always suggest getting away for sexy breaks. But it isn't always practical or financially viable. Instead, you should pretend that you're going away, but then settle in for a raunchy weekend at home.
With no parents expecting to see you, no friends dropping in to watch the big game, and no kids taking all your attention, you can chill out any way you want. Of course, a stay-at-home weekend takes some arranging, but it's well worth it. Ask a playdate friend to babysit so your kids will also have a fun weekend. Promise to return the favor. Make sure to take care of house hold chores that week, then Thursday night go shopping for all those tempting, sexy foods you don't usually have. Come Friday the scene is set for your sexy break at home.
Sneak in the house on Friday night, making sure no one spots you. Keeping the curtains drawn and lighting candles at night is all part of the fun. So is refusing to answer the doorbell all weekend. There are several advantages to this break-away-at-home: It's much cheaper than going away, there's no traveling involved, you can sleep as much as you want, and you can watch all the DVDs you never have time to watch together. This is also a perfect time to enjoy those long hot baths, walk around naked, and have sex all over the house. Not only will this be satisfying sexually but stepping away for a few days from appointments, chores, or responsibilities is a great stress reliever, and will allow you and your lover to tune into and catch up with each other.
A LITTLE WORK, BUT A WHOLE LOT OF FUN
Romance comes in many forms and whatever clever way you had of seducing someone, use it to keep them. The romance could've started in the library, so a book club or weekly trip to the bookstore may foster a romantic memory and connection.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Porn Star Guide to Great Sex by Marcus. Copyright © 2010 Mr. Marcus. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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