The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography

by Wendy Maltz, Larry Maltz

Overview

In this highly acclaimed recovery guide, renowned sex and relationship therapists Wendy and Larry Malta shed new light on the compelling nature and destructive power of today's instantly available pornography. Weaving together poignant real-life stories with innovative exercises, checklists, and expert advice, this groundbreaking resource provides a comprehensive program for understanding and healing porn addiction and other serious consequences of porn use.

The Porn Trap will help you to:

Decide whether it's time to quit using porn

Learn how to stop using porn and deal with cravings

Improve self-esteem and personal integrity

Heal an intimate relationship harmed by porn use

Develop a healthy sex life

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780061231872
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	02/23/2010
Pages:	288
Sales rank:	73,822
Product dimensions:	5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.68(d)

About the Author

WENDY MALTZ, LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized sex and relationship therapist in private practice in Eugene, Oregon. She is a frequent lecturer and media guest, and her books include The Porn Trap, Private Thoughts, Passionate Hearts, and Intimate Kisses.

Larry Maltz is an experienced therapist and the executive director of Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, Oregon.

Read an Excerpt

The Porn Trap
The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography

Chapter One

The Hidden Power of Porn

Tony, a twenty-five-year-old grad student, stared out the window and shook his head in disbelief at how quickly he had sunk into the porn trap. "My live-in girlfriend and I were going through a rough time in our relationship. She left town for a few days and I decided to look at porn on the Internet to satisfy me. Up 'til then I'd never been interested in porn. I began on a Friday afternoon looking at the free peeks. By Saturday I was into the sex chats, and by Sunday I had joined a swinger site. One thing led to another—a domino effect. Two weeks later my girlfriend looked in our computer log and saw what I'd been up to. I lied to her about it, said I had been doing government research of all things. A month later she left me. I never realized that porn had the power to upend my life the way that it did."

Marie, a forty-three-year-old accountant and single mother of two, was surprised by the physical power porn seemed to have over her. "For a long time porn was boring to me. I'd sneak a peek at magazines and videos on rare occasions. Then I discovered masturbating to porn. It was a lot more thrilling than just looking at it. I started craving porn constantly, like a drug. Not wanting my kids to find my porn I switched over to using the Internet. That was a big mistake. On the Internet I could find porn in an instant. The faster I would click the mouse, the more I could see. One night my brain went on overload with the visual stimulation. Next thing I knew, I climaxed. No hands. The computer had control of my mindand body. It was frightening how much power porn had over me."

Dave is a pastor in his fifties, who despite being married to a woman he loves, defines himself as a porn addict. He is still struggling to come to terms with the power porn had over his life, costing him his former job as a school counselor. "Porn was the best sex I ever had. Tremendous rush. I didn't have to emotionally connect. I could pick and choose. I chased the golden-haired Eve. It was all very attractive, very mysterious, very cool. But it wasn't cool when I got caught. Porn has a destructive side. I lost my job and nearly my wife. If you keep doing porn long enough it will ruin your life. I don't think the power of porn is really understood by most -people."

For many years, using porn has been the shameful secret many of us have shared in common but no one has talked about. Most women are terrified to admit to using porn. Most men assume that other men do it at least occasionally. After all, "it's a guy thing," since at least three out of four porn users are men. But porn still has a sleaziness about it. It's not something you tell someone on a first or even a fifteenth date. Definitely no one talks about it in a job interview. You certainly can't tell your mother, although if you are a male your father might expect it. You may bring it up with your friends, but probably only in a joking manner.

Most of us would be loathe to think of ourselves as porn addicts or even porn users. After all, we all have a picture in our minds of the typical porn user, and he (or she) doesn't look or act like us. On the other hand, chances are we probably wouldn't picture a grad student, an accountant, or a pastor as a porn user either. But that's who uses porn. Regular -people. -People like you and me and the person sitting next to you on the plane and your doctor and your mechanic.

Despite their differences, what Tony, Marie, and Dave share, as do most of the -people we have interviewed for this book, is their shock at the destructive power of pornography, something they originally got involved in because it seemed simply to promise a harmless good time. "How," they wonder, "can something that isn't a drug, isn't an extramarital affair, isn't actually sex with someone else, cause such devastating problems as divorce, getting fired, and not being able to get sexually aroused by a real live partner?"

The truth is, using pornography can make you go blind—blind to the power and control it can eventually have over your life. Though we might stare intensely at it, we don't see, often can't see, how and why it is so powerful. Did you know that porn can actually rewire your brain? That's one reason why some -people who use porn become preoccupied with sex, develop problematic sexual desires, and experience sexual functioning problems. And if your brain has been changed, it can be difficult to see clearly exactly what is happening and how it's affecting your life.

Porn is an extremely alluring and compelling "product," capable of delivering sexual pleasure while at the same time setting one up for great pain. Porn is like other controlled substances, such as alcohol and cigarettes, that promise good times, sometimes deliver them, but can end up causing much more damage than pleasure. And unlike booze and tobacco, no one warns us of the potential side effects.

Most of us come to porn unprepared. In school, they teach us about the dangers of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, even overeating. But chances are, you've never heard a teacher discuss the problems associated with using porn. Porn magazines, books, videos, and Web sites do not come with a list of ingredients educating us about their production standards or potency. When's the last time you saw a Surgeon General's warning on a porn product?

The Porn Trap
The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. Copyright © by Wendy Maltz. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction 1

Part 1 Becoming Aaware

1 The Hidden Power of Porn 11

2 First Encounters 25

3 The Porn Relationship 43

4 To See or Not to See- The Consequences of Porn 69

5 Partners in Pain 96

6 Hitting Bottom 120

Part 2 Healing

7 Getting Motivated to Quit Porn 139

8 Six Basic Action Steps 157

9 Handling and Preventing Relapses 185

10 Healing as a Couple 209

11 A New Approach to Sex 231

12 True Freedom and Fulfillment 255

Resources 267

Index 279

About the Authors 289

What People are Saying About This

Ted Roberts

"Larry and Wendy have done a masterful job of defining the problem of porn and giving the reader a marvelous plethora of treatment options. This is a must read for anyone who cares about
someone hurt by porn addiction. For those struggling themselves, this book is a lifesaver!"--(Dr. Ted Roberts, pastor, counselor, and author of Pure Desire)

Charlotte Sophia Kasl

"With clarity, compassion, and understanding, Wendy and Larry Maltz help readers comprehend the magnitude of the problem and porn's highly addictive nature. Their vast knowledge of healing and regaining a healthy sexuality embedded in a true relationship, provides readers with a wise and helpful guide."--(Charlotte Sophia Kasl, Ph.D., author of Women, Sex, and Addiction and If the Buddha Dated)

Barry McCarthy

“Groundbreaking. This is the best book on the market to help compulsive porn users and the people who love them to confront and change this destructive pattern.”

Patrick Carnes

"An excellent, thoughtful, and hopeful guide providing effective help for those who struggle with our newest and most challenging mental health problem--pornography addiction."--(Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., author of Don't Call It Love and In the Shadows of the Net)

Harville Hendrix

"An extremely helpful and much needed resource for a very destructive addiction. The Porn Trap includes clear and practical guidance for healing the emptiness caused by porn. I highly recommend it."--(Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Receiving Love)

Gina Ogden

"This intelligent book brings a healing voice to an issue that too often divides and devastates partners-it goes way beyond 'just say no,' to offer heart-opening guidance that will help you explore new dimensions of sexual desire and intimacy."--(Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of The Heart and Soul of Sex and The Return of Desire)

Editorial Reviews

An excellent, thoughtful, and hopeful guide providing effective help for those who struggle with our newest and most challenging mental health problem—pornography addiction.

Patrick Carnes

"Larry and Wendy have done a masterful job of defining the problem of porn and giving the reader a marvelous plethora of treatment options. This is a must read for anyone who cares about someone hurt by porn addiction. For those struggling themselves, this book is a lifesaver!"

Doctor - Ted Roberts

An extremely helpful and much needed resource for a very destructive addiction. The Porn Trap includes clear and practical guidance for healing the emptiness caused by porn. I highly recommend it.

Harville Hendrix

This intelligent book brings a healing voice to an issue that too often divides and devastates partners-it goes way beyond ‘just say no,’ to offer heart-opening guidance that will help you explore new dimensions of sexual desire and intimacy.

Gina Ogden

With clarity, compassion, and understanding, Wendy and Larry Maltz help readers comprehend the magnitude of the problem and porn’s highly addictive nature. Their vast knowledge of healing and regaining a healthy sexuality embedded in a true relationship, provides readers with a wise and helpful guide.

Charlotte Sophia Kasl

Groundbreaking. This is the best book on the market to help compulsive porn users and the people who love them to confront and change this destructive pattern.

Barry McCarthy

Larry and Wendy have done a masterful job of defining the problem of porn and giving the reader a marvelous plethora of treatment options. This is a must read for anyone who cares about someone hurt by porn addiction. For those struggling themselves, this book is a lifesaver!

Dr. Ted Roberts