Read an Excerpt
(Documents in the possession of K. McQ., E. Smith and one other, viz, one draft will and one final version, for dispersal as and when necessary.)
Document 1
Draft Will
Dear Smith, I’m returning the draft will, with explanatory notes. I wish to die very soon, so get on with it, I can’t stand it any more. If I die and someone comes for me, I’d rather it was Satan than God.
THIS IS THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT of me, Theodore Calvert. (With bugger all to show for myself except a house, a friend and an obscene amount of money. Everything else is lost.)
1. I hereby revoke all other wills and testamentary dispositions made by me, prior to the date of this, my last will. (Fifteen, at the last count.)
2. I appoint E. Smith, solicitor, to be the executor and trustee of this my will, with power to appoint an additional executor and trustees if he thinks fit.
3. I wish to be cremated. (I mean, burned to a crisp after death, without prayers of any kind, and my ashes thrown in the face of the nearest priest to show my contempt.)
4. The said E. Smith, or any executor or trustee whosoever he shall appoint, engaged in a legal capacity, shall be paid all usual professional charges for work or business done in proving my will or in the execution of or in connection with the trust thereof, including work or business of a professional nature which a trustee could do personally. (Blah, blah, blah.)
5. I leave the following specific bequests:
To Kay McQuaid, the sum of £20,000 per annum, as long as she is resident in my house. (Is that enough? She never did me a bad turn, didshe? Or did she? Only person I trust, anyway.)
6. SUBJECT TO AND AFTER PAYMENT of my just debts, funeral and testamentary expenses, I GIVE, DEVISE AND BEQUEATH all my real and personal estate whatsoever and wheresoever not otherwise disposed of by this my will, inclusive of anything I might stand to inherit, unto my trustees upon trust to sell, call in and convert the same into money, with power to postpone the sale, calling and conversion thereof as long as they shall in their absolute discretion think fit. (Blah, blah, blah.) My trustees shall hold the net proceeds of sale, calling and conversion upon trust for a period of two years after my death, paying any existing standing orders specified in the addendum to this my will, in the meantime. (Blah.)
7. I GIVE, DEVISE AND BEQUEATH the proceeds of the said trust fund to my two daughters, to be shared between them equally ON CONDITION THAT for the aforesaid period of two years, they remain free of SIN. (No, I do not mean they should obey the ten commandments and all that crap of the catechism of their mother’s ghastly church. I mean real SIN. I want them to blaspheme, dance on graves, do sloth, gluttony and wildness, but you said I couldn’t make it a condition. Conditions have to be negative. I wish them to be rude and rebellious and even disgusting. I don’t believe in SIN, but I want them to know what the avoidance of it involves. I wish them ANYTHING but their mother’s destructive piety.)
For the purposes of this my will, SIN is hereby defined as INCEST, CRUELTY and TREACHERY. The commission of the sin will be self-evident. (Your advice to limit it. This is not a random selection. I can’t think of anything worse than the categories I’ve described, except murder, and all these involve murder of the soul. These are the sins of which I was accused, always in the name of God, by my wife, and the only ones I have never committed. Gettit?)
8. IN THE EVENT of either of my daughters being discovered to have been in the commission of any of the aforesaid variations of SIN, the bequest to them fails and the residue of my estate shall pass to Jack McQuaid, absolutely. (Why? You idiot, why? Because it might, just might, redeem him, and if not, it may as well go to the devil as anywhere else.)
Signed by the said THEODORE CALVERT as his last will in the presence of us both present at the same time who in his presence and in the presence of each other have hereunto subscribed our names as witnesses.
(Don’t ask why, Smith. I am going away into that dark night and shall be gone for a long time. Grief kills me. Just do as I ask, for Godsakes. I don’t mean for GOD’S SAKE. NOTHING is for God’s sake. I HATE GOD, I hate God . . . I hate that Christ and all his shoddy saints. I hate the level to which my daughters are reduced. I hate the God of my wife, a perverted, obsessive Christian who raised my children steeped in holiness, cocooned and stole them from me, taught them to hate me, and I hate the Church, which moulded her madness and fear of the devil. And taught me, thereby, what hell is like. It is losing the recognition of your own flesh and blood and having them revile you. It is the knowledge of hatred and impotence and heartbreak, being useless and watching your children wasting their lives. It is being eaten alive with love and regret. Hell is HERE.
Send this back quickly. I want to die.
Document 2
Final version
This is the Last Will and Testament of me, Theodore Calvert.
1. I hereby revoke all other wills and testamentary dispositions made by me.
2. I hereby appoint E. Smith, solicitor, to be the executor and trustee of this my will, with power to appoint an additional executor and trustee if he thinks fit.
3. I wish to be cremated.
4. The said E. Smith, or any executor or trustee whosoever he shall appoint, engaged in a legal capacity, shall be paid all usual professional charges for work or business done in proving my will or in the execution of or in connection with the trust thereof, including work or business of a professional nature which a trustee could do personally.
5. I leave the following specific bequest: To Kay McQuaid, the sum of £20,000 and the residency of my house for two years.
6. SUBJECT TO AND AFTER PAYMENT of my just debts, funeral and testamentary expenses, I GIVE, DEVISE AND BEQUEATH all my real and personal estate whatsoever and wheresoever not otherwise disposed of by this my will, inclusive of anything I might stand to inherit, unto my trustees upon trust to sell, call in and convert the same into money, with power to postpone the sale, calling in and conversion thereof as long as they shall in their absolute discretion think fit. My trustees shall hold the net proceeds of sale, calling in and conversion upon trust for a period of two years after my death, paying any existing standing orders during the meantime.
7. I GIVE, DEVISE AND BEQUEATH the proceeds of the said trust fund to my two daughters to be shared between them, equally, ON CONDITION THAT for the aforesaid period of two years, they shall both remain free of SIN. For the purpose of this my will, SIN is hereby defined as INCEST, CRUELTY AND TREACHERY. The commission of the sin will be self-evident.
8. IN THE EVENT of either of my daughters being discovered to have been in the commission of any of the aforesaid variations of SIN, the bequest to them shall fail and the residue of my estate shall pass to Jack McQuaid, on sufficient proof of his identity, absolutely.
Signed by the said THEODORE CALVERT as his last will, in the presence of us both present at the same time, who in his presence and in the presence of each other have hereunto subscribed our names as witnesses.
