Sex Tips from a Dominatrix

by Patricia Payne, Maurice Vellekoop (Illustrator)

Overview

Welcome to D/s land.

Could your sex life use some new thrills? If so, here's your ticket to all those secret desires you've only confessed to your best friend in her dorm room at Deerfield: crops and corsets, nosebleed stilettos, leather, latex, and lambcuffs.

Whether you would like to make dominance and submission (D/s) a permanent part of your relationship, are brushing up for a weekend submersion session of Lina Wertmuller films, or are simply looking for a one-spank stand, Patricia Payne—exacting dominatrix and luxurious bon vivant—will guide you through this brave new underworld. Here, she shares step-by-step instructions on how to set the mood, decorate your room, pick a proper outfit, buy the best bonds, tie the exact knot, and wield the perfect quirt. She also gives tips on avoiding disaster and embarrassment, such as preventing nasty wax stains on the Kashan, so you can keep the bon in bondage.

Sex Tips From a Dominatrixcontains such forbidden fruits as:

Tips on Whips

BDSM Glamour Do's and Don'ts

Silencing Your Lamb

The Dope on Rope

How to Get Knotty

Aural Sex

Dungeon Decorum

Advanced Activities

So add a new whine to your cellar and get allwrapped up in lovemaking—with strings attached.

Author Biography: Patricia Payne is a practicing dominatrix who has held several top positions in boardrooms and bedrooms. The product of a strict boarding school, she first aspired to be a governess—until she found greater opportunity being The Governess.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780060392871
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	07/16/1999
Edition description:	1 ED
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.00(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.87(d)

About the Author

Patricia Payne is a practicing dominatrix who has held several top positions in boardrooms and bedrooms. The product of a strict boarding school, she first aspired to be a governess—until she found greater opportunity being the Governess.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Empowering or Enslaving Your Inner Child

discovering your dominance quotient

For some must follow and some command.
                                        --Longfellow

It has been said that there are two hinds of people in this world, people who think there are two hinds of people and people who don't. I maintain the world is made up of givers and takers, dominants and submissives, tops and bottomseach pair in a symbiotic relationship like that between seamed stockings and stilettos.

The BDSM community is a place where desires you've only confessed to your best friend in her dorm room at Deerfeld are perfectly acceptable. But whether you yearn to be a toy in a sensualist's FAO Schwartz or have a maid who can bring new meaning to "Her Majesty's Service," it is basic D/s protocol to be able to properly identify yourself as dominant or submissive.

This identification is critical because there is only one constant in a D/s relationship: one partner must have the dominant role, and one the submissive. If this basic guideline isn't followed, you will have two strong forces battling for control, or two submissive personalities clamoring to outdo each other in the rigors of service (a deplorable situation, although one that always leaves the bathroom immaculate).

d/scisions, d/scisions

Just as you must decide on chintz or silk for your curtains, so too must you decide whether to emphasize your dominant or submissive tendencies before you can become a player.

For some, this is an easychoice. My friend Dale once told me she realized she had submissive tendencies when she saw a spanking scene in a movie and it occurred to her she wanted to know what it felt like. I confessed I had had a similarly enlightening experience at the yacht club, but my reaction was "Wow, I have to learn how to tie that knot!"

For others, it may take some experimentation or soul searching to decide which side of the paddle they prefer. If a woman consistently chooses bikini waxing over a manicure, she has undeniable submissive tendencies. If she prefers using her Epilady, she is a full-fledged masochist. Or if a man always finds himself insisting that people refer to him as "Mr. Brown" or "Dr. Brown," that is an indication of his dominant nature, or at least a measure of the amount of stuffing in his shirt.

Having people identify items that best express their secret sexual longings can also be very telling, although some situations are trickier than others. I once knew a lovely couple from Newport who ran into difficulties when he donned a diaper and she a Catholic schoolgirl's skirt. It took a great deal of time, as well as a weekend submersion session of Lina Wertmuller films, before they were able to reach a symbiosis with the roles they had chosen.

domination 101

You have dominant tendencies if you are, or aspire to be, the prime orchestrator in the bedroom. However, good dominants should possess other important qualities.

Excellence in communication is one of the keys to being in control, and being in control is the key to being a good dominant. A good dominant states her preferences in a manner that is consistent, straightforward, and respectful. Similarly, she issues instructions in a clear, easy-to-understand manner.

A good working knowledge and willingness to learn the safe execution of BDSM activities is also an important characteristic of a dominant. She must be able to control her environment, her partner, and -- most important -- herself.

Dominants are no better than submissives, just different. Altruistic and compassionate to others, they understand that the world does not revolve around them. Except when it does.

trust you, truss me

You gotta serve somebody.
                           --Bob Dylan

If you enjoy putting yourself out to do things for others, or if the thought of being instructed sexually makes you hot, you register on the submissive spectrum. This may be evidenced by heartfelt pleasure in serving your partner like a highly trained geisha or by sexual arousal when playing with sensory experiences like being tied up or spanked.

An educated submissive uses his head and not other libido-driven body parts when selecting a dominant, either for a BDSM scene or a relationship. This is critical because the sub must be able to trust his partner to safely lead him through the most formidable of BDSM activities.

Closely related to the ability to trust is a willingness to obey. Debates about who is going to do what to whom and when is antithetical to the dynamic of a BDSM relationship. In addition, through obedience during play, a submissive takes an active role in ensuring his or her own safety.

Submissives must also have good communication skills (especially those "unspoken" ones. The more easily they can express their desires, fears, and limits to a dominant, the more likely they are to have a satisfying experience.

Submissive and needy are not synonymous. Most dominants do not wish to be your knight in shining armor 247.

would a domme by any other, name swat as sweet?

The BDSM community has many different words for dominant and submissive. Here are some common terms and distinctions.

DOMINANT TYPES

DOMINANT (DOM/DOMME):

The person in charge of a BDSM relationship. Dom is used when referring to a male dominant and domme to the female counterpart.

DOMINATRIX:

A female, sometimes professional, dominant.

MASTER/MISTRESS:

Respective male and female terms for an experienced dominant. These terms are also used when referring to a dominant significant other in a BDSM relationship. For example, "I bought Master a new (logger last week," or "Tell your mistress I found you to be very well behaved."

SADIST:

A person who enjoys giving pain.

TOP:

A person who sexually dominates a submissive, but does not control other aspects of their relationship.

Sex Tips from a Dominatrix. Copyright © by Patricia Payne. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Editorial Reviews

Sex Tips from a Dominatrix contains more ideas on how to bring pain into your bedroom than you can shake a stick at...guaranteed to give you a whole new perspective on the term 'power struggle.' Spank you, Patricia Payne. Spank you very much.

Bust Magazine