eBook
Available on Compatible NOOK devices, the free NOOK App and in My Digital Library.
Related collections and offers
Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781466966093 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Trafford Publishing |
| Publication date: | 10/31/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| File size: | 492 KB |
Read an Excerpt
THE BULLIED AND THE RAVEN II
EpitaphBy Jamie Emery
Trafford Publishing
Copyright © 2012 Jamie EmeryAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4669-6610-9
Chapter One
Dream
It's easy to turn—to turn from victim to bully and bully into victim before you know it. We have all seen the brochures, refusal skills, and stress handouts: "stop the anger," "just say no to violence," "just talk it over," and "the big book on self-esteem." But what I want to know is what takes the darkness, what takes the Raven out of me! These thoughts rang in my head. I understood that they would never bring back what I had lost, and I guess I kind of deserved all this. What is it that makes me truly whole, or have I ever truly been?
Is it faith, is it forgiveness, or maybe, is it just a bit of time? Either way, the one thing that I have found that is true is that we must be the very best that we can possibly be, period.
I found myself in the center of madness, but I was still calm, and I feel it was the Raven that gave me that balance, that gave me that hope. I removed the bad, and I could sleep, not a lot, but I feared no more. My eyes were heavy as was my heart. No more tears, no more fear. I just needed rest, rest for the weary and heavyhearted.
I had bad dreams once again, a cold reminder of all that I had lost, and especially of Sue. But I woke to the sound of laughter, not familiar laughter, but that of a child—a young child. I put my head onto the pillow, but still the sound remained. Was I dreaming? The television was off. I am still in my own house. Do I have an intruder with a sense of humor or one of the many victims returning to pay me back? I thought of all these things as I put my shirt on and grabbed my 9 iron.
I walked into the hallway, and I could smell food, pancakes and sausage. Then the laughter came once again. It was a sweet sensation, yet frightening. I had my 9 iron on my shoulder, ready to swing. But what kind of intruder fixes breakfast and brings a child for entertainment? I walked into the kitchen and lowered my 9 iron as the memories rushed back into my head. Samantha and I began dating a few months after our first meeting at the diner. I guess I was still half asleep, or maybe I had some short-term memory loss. Either way, I was not used to Samantha fixing breakfast as she dropped off her son, Sean.
Sam has an adorable four-year-old son named Sean, who is the quiet type most of the time—well, unless he's laughing. And when he laughs, he laughs with his whole body, even the neighbors can hear him—kind of reminded me of me when I was a boy. He was happy overall, but he also never knew his dad, which in this case was good. His dad was a marine, and he died in combat. Some called him a hero, but to hear Sam talk about him, he was only a marine and never a father or a husband, at least not one that cared. He was abusive and angry at both Sam and Sean all the time, and he took any frustration out on both of them.
I'm just glad that fate intervened rather than I. I had made it from victim to bully, from husband to widower and now back to father, or at least I felt like one. Sean called me Dad, and I would answer, and of course, Samantha would smile. She was just grateful to have a positive male role model in Sean's life, and I made the perfect babysitter, but this was the first time that I remember Sam making breakfast before she left for work. She would usually bring Sean in, drop him off, and tell us to have a great day, the routine that I was finally getting used to, but now she is making breakfast. All this time that we had spent, I was always unsure of her cooking abilities. It was just one thing that I always did.
The Raven had finally left me, and my exhilaration was in full force. It was as if the gloom and doom that had hovered over me all my life was finally gone. I never thought I would be happy again after Sue and the baby's death; maybe I should not be, but I was. I didn't have the stress of the Raven or the task of taking out the trash. I could be me, and I was okay with that.
I did not like the idea of Samantha being an FBI agent at first. With all the wrong that I had done in my life, it was a bit hypocritical. I found that she was the one working hard to take out the real trash, not out of vengeance or pain. She took out the trash because she felt called to do this. Sam was one of the best in her crime unit, and I've tried my best to not stick my nose in her work. However, sometimes, just sometimes, fate brings the Raven back out, and I assist.
I stayed home with Sean most of the time, but this was all new to me. I had no idea on how to be a babysitter or even a dad. I read the six books that Sam had lying around, the ones she accidentally left here, but they were not very helpful. Sean being quiet and small for a four-year-old made my work just that much harder.
The first time he fell and cut his knee, I rushed him to the hospital ER, not wanting to take any chances. The nurse just smiled at me, cleaned it off, and put a Band-Aid on. I was freaking out. "Are you sure? Do we need to do an x-ray? Can we get a second opinion?"
She smiled, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "I believe Daddy's heart is hurt more than Sean!" Then she walked off.
I bet I asked Sean "Are you sure you're okay?" fifty times.
Still being quiet, he looked up at me and smiled, and I began to realize how new at this I actually was. Should I call Sam? I thought to myself. No, I better not. So I decided to wait until she got home to at least give myself time to calm down.
Sean, of course, went right back to playing as if nothing ever happened, and I, on the other hand, needed a sedative. I had grown up teaching myself how to be strong, how to control the surroundings, and how to read people. Still, here I was freaking out over a scratched knee. I was now smiling at the person I had become, shaking my head while no one else was around. Kids are resilient, and Sean was no exception.
I realized and understood now that the reason I felt the way I did with all the emotions was that I actually cared for Sean. I was finally opening myself up to the possibility, the possibility of getting hurt and the possibility of love. I was so afraid to open up, to truly open up and allow anyone to be close to me. The fear of loss was my biggest fear, if not my only fear. And I now had two people in my life that I truly cared about, and this was way bigger than I was.
Thinking of all these things was not helping, but all of a sudden, I could feel the tug on my pants. "Juice, Daddy," Sean said with a big smile.
"Yes, sir," I replied. "Orange or red?"
"Purple," Sean said with a smile.
"I don't think we have purple, Sean, but that's okay. We can go get some purple."
"Red is okay, Daddy," Sean said.
So I poured him and myself a cold glass of red juice, and we sat at the table. He would smile with his red-stained lips and take a drink. I would smile back and take a drink. He would say, "You're funny, Dad!"
I would reply, "No, you're funny, Sean." Then I would look around, making sure no adults were witnessing this unique conversation between this wonderful child and me.
After about a half a cup of red juice, Sean threw up both hands and said, "I'm done."
I took one more sip and did the same.
I found myself lost once again in a person. However, Samantha could become my undoing. After all, she hunted down people just like me. My hollow shell, the mask that I wore would have to become a permanent one, at least for a while until my Raven returned.
Sometimes in our lives, everything seems to go right, then there are the other times that are empty and dark. At this time, I felt I was on a roller coaster of emotions from being bullied all my youth life and then becoming the monster, allowing the Raven to lead, to lead me for so long and then finding true love in Sue.
With the hopes of a remedy, then to have it and it all ripped right out from underneath me. Maybe I deserved everything; being bullied might have made the monster. It might have created the Raven, but I allowed the Raven to take over. I allowed it to actually take my place. It did matter. It had always been my choice. Seemed like yesterday when Sue took the emptiness away, and how I still missed her.
I chose to be alone until Sam came into the picture, and the challenge of her job made it that much more appetizing. But then I found out that she had a four-year-old son, Sean. Sean and his dark eyes and quietness said so much. His silence was his strength, and his smile was his dagger.
Could I handle being in a relationship? Could I handle a new family affair or relationship with her? Or may it become her downfall? But she is persistent. She is beautiful, very beautiful. I have only called her Sue about a dozen times. Samantha always just patted me on the shoulder, assuring me she never got mad or frustrated at my errors. I believe that she knew that it was hard on me as well.
Samantha pulled into the driveway. I was thrilled to see that car pull in since it was Saturday, her day off. Well, half day off, with a sitter planned for Sean and a hot date night for the two adults. Boy, did I need some adult time after the day that I had. However, Sam came in with her hands full. She then softly kicked the door shut. "Hey, guys," she said.
I looked at the caseload and smiled. I knew that date night was over.
"I will start supper soon," I said.
"I am so sorry," she said as she dropped her briefcase and caseload into the office, my office. "Hey, buddy," she said to Sean. "What happened to your knee?" As soon as she said this, I remembered the theatrical doctor's visit.
It all rushed back to me, the accident and the intervention. I closed the fridge door. "Oh, Samantha, I forgot to call you, but Sean fell, and I took him to the doctor because I could—" Before I could finish explaining how the day went, Sam smiled, holding Sean, and said, "It's just a scratch, boys will be boys."
"Hey, so arrest me, it looked bad at the time. Well, at the time." I smiled.
"You are just too cute." As soon as Samantha said this, Sean pointed that pointed finger at me and said, "Daddy."
As soon as he said that, I could feel the color change on my face. Samantha just smiled. "It's okay, he likes you."
I frantically tried to change the subject. "What should we have for supper, you two?"
"Spaghetti," Sean said, tossing his hands up in the field goal motion once again. He was just too funny.
"Okay, buddy. But you're going to help me."
"Okay," Sean said.
So I placed him on the bar stool, or high chair, and I gave him the broccoli. "You do the broccoli." I let him play with it pretty much as if I had done this a million times. He was busy with the broccoli while I worked on the sauce so we will still have the veggies and have cooked the noodles and sauce just in time for dinner.
Samantha took a shower while the men prepared supper. "You're such a great helper. Sean, can I just keep you around here to help me?" He just smiled back at me, shaking his head yes.
"Sweet tea for me, please," Samantha said as she entered the room barefooted, still wet with my robe on.
"I helped," Sean said as he pointed at all the food on the table.
Samantha reassured him by saying, "You're such a big boy, such a good helper. It will be just a minute." She ran back and finished drying off. She had one of my button-up shirts on and her shorts. "Is this okay?" she asked.
"Yes, that's fine," I said, as if I had another choice.
"I am sorry about tonight, but this is just a huge case for our department."
"It's okay, Sam. The boys have had a rough day too."
How the little things can change a person in this cold, dark, and hard mask that I have forced myself to wear. The mask, I fear, is becoming the real me—up until today, that is.
Sitting at the table with Sean and Samantha. They are causing me to have an uncontrollable smile that only they could bring, and I cannot let the Raven take that away from me.
"Hey, why don't we just stay the night?" Samantha asked. After all, she already had my clothes on.
That haunting question I knew would one day come. After all, every relationship has to take that extra step. If you're not going forward, then you're going backward. Up until now or until this day, I felt like a glorified babysitter with a few perks. I had even given Sam her own key to the house so that she could come and leave as she liked.
I knew that unlike Sue, if Samantha and Sean would not last in our relationship, we could become friends, very good friends. But would I ever love her? Could I ever love her as much as I loved Sue?
Would it even be possible to love like that again? I loved Sue with my whole heart and soul. How can that be replaced? I thought to myself.
"I don't want to rush you," she said as she held out and touched my left hand.
"I just—"
"It's okay." She said before I could finish.
"I just don't want to hurt you or Sean. I love that he calls me Dad, but I have not earned that spot in his life. Maybe one day I will, but I haven't yet. You guys go ahead and stay. I need to drive a little bit. I will be back. I have to go." I kissed her on the cheek and told Sean good-bye as the babysitter that we had planned walked inside.
"Hey, you guys," Tracy said as she walked in. "Oh, I thought you guys were going out?"
"No," Sam said. "But I need you to just keep on for a few hours if you don't mind watching Sean. I have some work that I need to finish."
"Sure," Tracy said.
"See you later." I waved to Sean, and he waved back to me silently.
I drove around for about an hour, trying to figure out what was holding me back. Or do I need to drive and just never look back? Could that actually prevent the pain? Hard to say when the pain of love is the best pain I had ever felt. "If Sam knew ... if she knew the Raven that is part of me, could I promise her that it would never show up again?" I thought aloud as I pulled over onto the side of the road.
An eighteen-wheeler drove by very fast; I didn't even jump. I picked up a rock and tossed it over the side of the on-look.
The trees were already changing colors, and I knew it was not even autumn yet. I leaned onto the side of the Cape, looking to the clouds swiftly crossing the darkening sky, and the Raven landed in front of me on the guardrail of the road.
"Well, what would you do? What would you have me do?" I said to the Raven without a flinch. "Just get away." I tossed my hands, kicked my feet, kicked gravel to the Raven, and the Raven remained. "I know," I said, as if the Raven spoke to me, then he flew away. This was the first real visit I had from the Raven since Sue and the baby had died, and it was bittersweet. Part of me missed the Raven, and the biggest part of me missed Sue.
What was the Raven saying?
All my bullies were dead and gone. I pulled my 9 mm out from under the car seat. I placed it to my temple. I pulled the trigger.
Click! I knew that the gun was loaded. I slammed my hand down onto the stirring wheel, but I could not cry. Not one tear. Just anger. I stepped out of the car. I didn't want to die, but I really didn't want to live. I didn't know how to live without the Raven. Just as I had this thought ever so brief, the Raven landed back on the rail, looking deep in my eyes. I kicked out the bad shell from the 9 mm, pointed it at the gate at the Raven, and pulled the trigger. The gun fired and rang with a slight kick, but the Raven was still in the same spot, untainted, unwavering, and stern.
I am a marksman, one who is an excellent or very good shooter, one that never ever missed. There is no way that I missed that old Raven.
The Raven did not move, nor did I feel his eyes, which were looking deep into me, touching my soul. However, they were no longer haunting me. It was as if we had an understanding; he had become part of me. Would we become part of each other? I guess some part of me missed the ole Raven. Maybe he was the best part of me after all. I hoped not. But I was alive, and that was what really mattered.
"Okay," I yelled, then I put the gun back into its holster. I took a deep breath and then released it. I was all right now, but I wanted to figure out what I needed from Samantha and Sean, what could I possibly give back to them, and what did I actually have to offer them.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from THE BULLIED AND THE RAVEN II by Jamie Emery Copyright © 2012 by Jamie Emery. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgment....................ixChapter 1 Dream....................1
Chapter 2 Illumination....................18
Chapter 3 Volunteer....................32
Chapter 4 Passion and the Storm....................48
Chapter 5 Psychic Vampires....................62
Chapter 6 Meeting the Devil Himself....................75
Chapter 7 Information Overload....................90
Chapter 8 Atone....................101
Chapter 9 Justice and Faith....................114