Read an Excerpt
The Jokiest Joking Joke Book Ever Written ... No Joke!
2,001 Brand-New Side-Splitters that will keep you Laughing out Loud!
By Kathi Wagner St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2015 St. Martin's Castle Point
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-250-16086-7
CHAPTER 1
JUST KIDDING — Games, Kids, Goats, etc.
Why did one video game get so mad at the other one?
It was trying to controller.
Why was the deck of cards so sad?
Someone stole their hearts.
Why did the fence like the sheep?
Because it was around them a lot.
What did the two controllers say when the console's light turned green?
Game on!
How do you know when a goat isn't sure if you are serious?
It asks if you're kidding.
Why did the track shoes up and leave?
They were tired of running around in circles.
What do you get when you put two baby goats together?
Just a couple of kids.
What do you call an upside-down video game?
Game OVER.
What did the stream name its baby?
Brook.
How do you know when an Xbox has really changed?
It does a 180 instead of a 360.
Why were a tic and a toe losing the fight?
They were missing attack.
Why did the game player have to change his underwear?
They were too titan him.
What do controllers say when the game is over?
Thumbs up!
Why didn't the troll ever invite the billy goats over?
They could be a little gruff.
How do you know when your computer is not well?
It starts hacking.
Why was the controller so upset with the console?
It was playing games with her.
Why did the Playstation take a staycation?
It was sort of tied down.
How did the football like being the star of the game?
It got a kick out of it.
How did one lightning bolt meet the other?
By striking up a conversation.
How do you know when the moon is starstruck?
It's got a little twinkle in its eye.
Why did Mario have to leave work?
He had a fight with the boss.
How do you know your game is leaving you?
It packed, man.
What do goats do on the Web?
They go trolling.
What do gamers order for lunch?
A combo.
What did the video game excel in at track?
The triple jump.
When is it time to feed your video game?
When it starts eyeing the energy bars.
What did the present get for winning the race?
Another ribbon.
What did one gambler say to the other about their odds of winning?
I bet I win.
How did the square peg fit in the round hole?
He was in bad shape.
Why couldn't the games see each other?
They were back-to-back.
What is a racer's favorite game?
Checkers.
Why couldn't the Tin Man play cards?
He didn't have any hearts.
How did the finger win the game?
It had the most points.
How did the fruits win the card game?
With a pear of aces.
Why did the video game take a break?
It needed a life.
How did the plane win the card game?
It had an ace up its sleeve.
What did the cards do when the poker chip fell down?
They gave him a hand.
How did the video game get its grass cut?
It mode.
What game do phones like to play?
Ring toss.
What did the rest of the game pieces say to quitting?
No dice.
Where do they put cards for time-out?
In solitary.
What game do new clothes like to play?
Tag.
Why were all the cards looking down in the ground?
There was an ace in the hole.
What do video games always need when they get out of the tub?
Mortals.
What is a train's favorite video game?
Play station.
What did the controllers name their twins?
Plug and Play.
Why did the middle schooler grow up so fast?
Being a teen aged her.
What game do fruits refuse to play?
Fruit basket upset.
Why wouldn't the jacks come out to play?
They had lost their marbles.
Why was the ring covered in thorns?
It was playing ring around the Rosie.
What game are police officers best at?
Cops and robbers.
What game do sharks like to play over lunch?
Name that tuna.
Why was there hay all over the basketball court?
Someone had been playing horse.
What is a game your fingers can never win?
Thumb wrestling.
What's a game you will never forget?
The memory game.
What game can only little eyes play?
I spy.
Which game requires your foot and a toilet?
Kick the can.
What is the game only one ant can win?
King of the hill.
How do boxers kill beetles?
They play slug a bug.
Why wouldn't the rodents go to the party?
Everyone was playing Mouse Trap.
Are you certain the sheep are all getting trimmed?
Yep, it's a shear thing.
Why couldn't the dog or the bird play the game?
It was a game of cat and mouse.
What did the cards say when the poker chips asked if they were coming over?
You bet!
What did one antiperspirant say to the other one about their game?
No sweat.
What did the two cards say about trading suits?
It's a deal.
Why did the controllers decide to go camping?
Their game was in-tents.
What did the sheet music do during the game?
It kept score.
How do screwdrivers play video games?
They take turns.
Why did the video game turn up the heat?
It was freezing.
Why was the elevator the video game champ?
It could reach all the levels.
Why was the flower so happy with its poker game?
It won the pot.
What are ladders the best at in video games?
The extended play.
What do you get when you cross a goat with a horse?
A riding lawnmower.
What's a game only toads can play?
Tug of warts.
What is the most fowl game you can play?
Duck, duck, goose.
How was the faucet in such good shape?
It was always running.
What kind of tile did the snake use to decorate its bathroom?
Reptile!
What kind of games do houses play?
Home games.
CHAPTER 2
STAR STUDDED — Celebrities, Real Stars, Cowboys, etc.
What is Bruno's favorite planet?
Mars.
Why will John's music be remembered?
Because he's a Legend.
What do you call a fowl kingdom?
A duck dynasty.
Where do Justin and a lumberjack like to go swimming?
In a Timberlake.
What is a star's favorite walk?
On a red carpet.
What's the most talented fish in the ocean?
Starfish.
Why was the actor never down?
He was always acting up.
Why would Tiger Woods make a great sailor?
He's good at staying on course.
Who named Lady Gaga?
A baby.
What did the feather boa think of the joke?
It was tickled pink.
What movie do elves like to watch?
Gnome Alone.
Why couldn't the famous rapper break a dollar?
Because he was only 50 Cent.
What would Taylor Swift's cat do if she fell in the water?
She would shake it off, off, off.
Where does Ariana like to go on vacation?
To the Grande Canyon.
Of all the golfers, who do you think will go down in history as the best?
Tiger woulds.
Why was Angelina Jolie?
Because it was the holidays.
Why did the boots have to miss the rodeo?
Someone had kicked their heels up.
Why do cowboys wear cowboy boots?
Because it's tough to ride a horse in ski boots.
What does Jennifer Lopez like for dessert?
JLo.
What did the stirrup say to the boot?
Are you spur you want to ride?
How quickly did the stars notice the paparazzi were gone?
In a flash.
What did the Pony Express put on their envelopes?
Stampedes.
Why didn't the cows go into the river?
Because they moo better.
Why weren't the mountains very hungry?
They had too much desert.
Where do purple dinosaurs live?
In a Barn-ey.
Why wouldn't the cowboy eat his dinner?
They were feeding him grubs.
What did the hunter say that had everyone in the cabin upset?
Bear with me.
Why was the boot so uncomfortable?
He got off on the wrong foot.
Where did the horse go when he was ready for bed?
He hit the hay.
How do you get a cowboy to move?
You bronc at them.
Where do cowboys keep their shoes?
In Chuck wagons.
How hard is it for a cowboy to tie a knot in his lasso?
It's a cinch.
What is something even the strongest cowboy can not do?
Hold his horses.
What did the bandits say when the sheriff caught up to them?
Looks like you cactus.
How can you tell when a cowgirl isn't feeling well?
She has cabin fever.
What did one rodeo clown say to the other after the cowboy rode for fifteen minutes?
Howdy do that?
Is it true the rodeo can't go on?
Yep, no bull.
How do cowboys prevent accidents?
They use their saddle horns.
Do cowboys let things get them down?
No, they lariat them go.
How much does it cost for a good deer these days?
A buckaroo.
How do cowhands settle who gets the biggest belt and buckle?
By rustling for it.
What is a cowgirl's favorite dressing?
Ranch.
How do you know when a cowboy's really tired?
He has saddlebags under his eyes.
How do cowboys find trouble?
They stirrup some.
What did the posse ask as they headed out after the gunslinger?
Are you sheriff you want us to come along?
How can you tell when cowhands are friends?
When they say, "wherever amigo a you go."
How do horses pay for their homes?
In installments.
That happens to horses after they eat?
They get a little hazy.
What did the star always need to make a point?
It was just Sirius.
What do you call a really clumsy shrub?
A fumbleweed.
Why don't birds need to knock?
They just use the buzzard.
Why were lawyers rich in the old West?
There was gold in them there wills.
Why were the cows in so much pain?
They grazed all day.
Why did the ranchers have to use the oven?
They didn't have a range.
What show almost always stands still?
American Idle.
How can you tell when a cowboy's in reverse?
He's back in the saddle.
Why did the mountain go to the movie's premiere?
It wanted a sneak peak.
Why was the machine shed so jealous?
Because the barn danced.
What do you call an overactive cowboy?
A rowdy dudey.
What kind of horses did the young bandits use to ride?
Stickup ponies.
What do you call a lone sailor?
The masted man.
Why did the constellation get into so much trouble?
It was lion.
What did the star tell everyone after the doctor left?
Gemini are having twins!
What would Van Gogh call the Oscars?
A very starry night.
How can you tell if a star is alive?
You check its pulsar.
What is Iggy's favorite flower?
An azalea.
What do you call the star who wants to do it her own way?
Rebel Wilson.
What do stars wear when they go out?
Their evening gowns.
What did everyone think of the lady's new song?
They went Gaga over it.
What do you call a movie star in a hot air balloon?
A rising star.
What kind of star is easily deflated?
A pop-star.
Why was there star dust scattered everywhere?
A star burst.
What do you call it when all the stars get together?
An all-star reunion.
Who got blamed when all the buffalo left?
Vamoose did.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a caboose?
A waggin' train.
What did the hyper cowboy's mom tell him to do?
Saddle down.
Why didn't the cowboy answer his mom the 2nd time?
He already herder.
CHAPTER 3
VERY TECHNICAL — Computers, Gadgets, etc.
Why was the computer so nervous?
It couldn't get with the program.
Why did the doctor keep checking his TV?
To see if it was operational.
Why didn't the nut like the bolt?
Because he was screwed up.
How did the bed learn to play piano?
Using sheet music.
What do you call it when a computer gets new shoes?
Rebooted.
What did the computer say when the salesperson asked if they could help?
I'm just browsing.
What happened to the light when the switch was feeling down?
It couldn't go on.
Why did the barn fall down?
It wasn't stable.
Why were there so many lines between the words?
They were spaced out.
How did the dog get its data back?
It retrieved it.
Why do birds make the best scientists?
They already have their own beakers.
Why did the pen write a circle around the word joke?
It was just joking around.
What is a straw's favorite flower?
Two lips.
How do knights change their TV channels?
With a remoat.
Why was the screw so mad?
Because it didn't get its turn.
Where did the computer and the Internet go when they went out?
On a data.
When do movies do what they are told?
On demand.
Why wouldn't the PC talk about its problems?
It was too personal.
What happens if you give the king of the jungle an Xbox?
You get a lion gamer.
How did the computer monitor describe the keyboard?
Kind of touchy.
How will bees get their packages delivered in the future?
By drones.
Why don't phones wear glasses?
They have contacts.
What is something you should never do to your headphones?
Poke them in their iPhone.
What did the computer do after taking a big breath?
It ex-celled.
How did the smartphone get smarter?
It studied its text books.
How can a phone take pictures without anyone else pushing a button?
All by its selfie.
Why did the chicken want a GPS?
To help it get to the other side of the road.
What do you call a phone that won't share?
Cellfish.
What did one app say to the other app about going on the computer?
Icon if I want to!
Why was the computer always happy?
It had a really good Outlook.
Why did it take so long for the laptop to get in the door?
It was trying all of its keys.
What did the computer ask the tech?
How about you get with the program?
How do candles get together on the Web?
They use their wikis.
What is a shark's favorite type of technology?
Bluetooth.
How did the fence share its favorite moments?
By posting them.
How did the disc put on its makeup?
It used its compact.
What do you get when you cross a battery and a zombie?
A battery that will never die.
How do clocks communicate?
They tick-tock to each other.
Why did the pens decide to become friends?
They just clicked.
Why did the computer set a trap?
It had a mouse.
What did the e-mail tell the document?
All good things come to a send!
How did one mouse feel about the other mouse finding the cheese?
It was amazed.
What did the speakers say to the TV that made it nervous?
You're surrounded!
How do trees sign off of their computers?
They log out.
How would you talk to Santa if he were a computer?
You would sit on his laptop.
Which fish did the computer pick for a pet?
The betta.
Why did the exterminator have to spray the computer?
He had to debug it.
Why did the computer like tennis?
It was a good server.
Why did the smoke detector have to go?
It wasn't very alert.
What did the projector say as its bulb was being replaced?
But the show must go on.
What do you call it when a picture goes to the mall?
Photo shopping.
What is a computer's favorite part of art class?
The cutting and pasting.
Why did the sand turn into glass?
It wanted to make a spectacle of itself.
Why couldn't anyone get the computer open?
It was all locked up.
Why don't bugs need cable to watch TV?
They have their own antennas.
What was the sports camera's only dream?
To go pro.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Jokiest Joking Joke Book Ever Written ... No Joke! by Kathi Wagner. Copyright © 2015 St. Martin's Castle Point. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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