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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781477249086 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 09/28/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 294 |
| File size: | 464 KB |
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THINGS MY HEART HAS TO SAY
ELEMENT SERIES: WATERBy B. NAKIA GARNER
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 B. Nakia GarnerAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-4910-9
Chapter One
THICKER THAN WATER
I always knew I would go away to college as opposed to staying home. My mother regretted not ever going to college and at times felt inferior around those that did. But she played it off well and focused her energy on convincing me that a college education was necessary in life.
When she went to visit Clark Atlanta University for my dad's 15th reunion, she came home excited about what she saw and the stories she heard about student demonstrations, step shows and road trips. She was impressed with the camaraderie between my dad and his fellow alumni and realized that going away to school opened his eyes to new cultures and experiences. She was the one who put it in my mind to go to an out of state school. Going to a local school was never an option for me, though Howard University begged for me to go there.
I ended up choosing North Carolina A & T State University for my second home. I first visited the school as a sophomore in high school and I was hooked. The overall atmosphere felt right to me. It reminded me of D.C., but with thicker, southern accents and about six hours separating me from my parents. Growing up, I appreciated being surrounded by all kinds of hues of Black people. In school, I got to see the same diversity but all with a common goal of achieving higher education and making something of their lives. Every day was a beautiful sight to see. It was perfect to me in every way.
In high school, I was on the debate team, track team, student government, yearbook and young mentors group. All of those activities made those four years just fly by. No matter how many activities I did or how many functions I attended, my mind and heart always came back to the magic of writing.
I viewed writers as magicians because they could transform themselves into any and every man, woman, child or creature. They could fabricate a story out of thin air and manage to pull the reader into their make believe world.
My first attempt at creative writing was a love letter I wrote as a high school freshman to a graduating senior. I had the biggest crush on him. His name was Giovanni and he was the captain of the baseball and basketball teams. I wrote this long, sappy letter telling him how great he was and how much I liked him. I was too shy to give it to him directly so I slipped it in his locker. He found out who I was and walked up to my table at lunch. He appreciated the letter but told me he had a girlfriend who went to a different high school. But he liked my letter so much that we eventually became good friends.
That's when I decided that my writing could take me somewhere beyond a nine-to-five if I just found the time to perfect it. College was as good a place as any to start working on it.
I thought about looking for a major related to creative writing but thought it was more for those looking to write full books. My focus was more on poetry, and how could a major teach you how to write from your heart? So I majored in Sociology and Social Work with a minor in Psychology. I wanted to work with kids some day and through Psychology I would be able to understand and reach them on a mental level. It sounded pretty logical to me.
The first person I met when I moved into my dorm freshman year was a girl from Detroit named Majestic, or Jes for short. We lived across the hall from each other and discovered we both had the same "Black is Beautiful" poster hanging on our wall. We clicked almost instantly and have been as close as sisters ever since.
I taught her about D.C. slang and she explained the Detroit style to me. We stayed in a dorm that had nothing but freshmen in them, and our floor was pretty tight. There were a few other girls from D.C., a set of twin sisters from Florida and the rest were from other cities in North Carolina. We all ate together and went to the movies and became genuine friends over the years. But Jes has always been my number one girlfriend.
As long as I've known her, she has always had her pick of men and they were never too far behind. I always joked with her that she must have some secret potion mixed in with her perfume that only men can sense. It is so strong that they find themselves drooling over her and ready to leave their girlfriends for her.
Majestic was never that kind of woman though. She has ethics and she has respect for other women. She's not against the idea of love but it has never been her top priority. She always said, "I'll slow down when love finds me. But I am not going to go looking for it."
She is a few inches shorter than me, at 5'5", but we both have the same rich caramel complexion. Her eyes are a light hazel while mine are a deep mahogany. Our body types are frighteningly similar, so many people mistake us for being real sisters. We are both curvy, but not too thick, with deep dimples in both cheeks. The only difference is, most of her curves are in her breasts and legs and mine are in my hips and butt. She changes her hairstyles every week but when we first met it was bone straight and hung to her earlobes. I used to perm my hair every few weeks but started locking my hair the summer after my sophomore year. I could confidently say that I pulled my own share of men as well.
While Jes was laying low when it came to men, I was open to meeting someone new and, perhaps, falling in love. In high school, I had a sweetheart but I got so wrapped up in other things I had going on that I neglected him and he broke up with me. I was determined that if I had the chance to be with someone again, I would make more of an effort to make that relationship a priority.
Jes majored in T.V. production and spent most of her time in the studio. We didn't see each other that much during the week but we made up for it on the weekends, going to the movies and on road trips to neighboring schools. Between the two of us, we have met some of the wildest and raunchiest people on the face of this Earth and all our experiences make for great stories we can't wait to tell our kids someday.
I remember one trip to Myrtle Beach where we met these White frat boys who followed us around like lost puppies the whole trip. Being from Wyoming, they weren't really used to Black women, especially Black women they described as "regal." We got rid of them when they tried to play the overprotective role and blocked the action from other guys.
I used Majestic as my first audience when I made the decision to perform for the first time. I was so self-conscious back then that it took two years to become confident enough with my writing to want to share it with other people. I had filled more than two black and white composition books with poetry, short stories, and prose and I knew my stuff was good enough to be appreciated by at least a few more people.
When my junior year came around, I looked for an opportunity to read or recite my words somewhere on campus. When my girl heard that there was going to be an artist showcase during homecoming weekend, she signed me up without consulting me first.
That gave me three weeks to prepare.
"I need to write something fresh for the showcase," I said to Majestic while looking through my book of lyrics. "Any suggestions?"
She looked up from painting her nails and said, "What's wrong with the ones you have in your hand? You got over a 100, just pick one."
She blew on her nails to dry them quicker.
"You're making more out of this than it needs to be. It's just a showcase Ay and it's just for five minutes, if that."
"It may sound like just five minutes to you but five minutes on a stage can feel like five hours if you're nervous enough. This is a big deal for me. I've worked hard on my writing and I want to make sure my hard work wasn't for nothing."
"Were you working hard to impress other people or yourself?" she asked me.
She had me stuck for a minute with that question. My main reason for wanting to perform was because I felt I had a message to send out. And I had some things on my chest I wanted to reveal. I thought enough of my point of view to want other people to hear it.
I looked through my book of lyrics while I thought about her question some more. Most of the stuff I had written explained my view on the current state of the world and Black people. Even the few short stories I wrote starred some Black revolutionary on a mission to rid the world of every kind of injustice. The theme of all of my work was Black pride and each piece was filled with drama and radical circumstances.
I know in my heart that not every Black person was born to be a revolutionary, so why didn't I have more variety in my main characters? Maybe I had been writing with the intention of pleasing other people or evoking some kind of reaction from the predominantly Black environment I was surrounded by. My heart was nowhere in those words, though.
I turned to Majestic.
"You're right," I said.
"As usual," she replied.
I closed my book and sat next to her on the bed.
"I have to get my mind and my heart on the same page, literally. You gonna help?"
"You know I would if I could, girlfriend, but you have to search inside for yourself. But you know I'm here to listen if you need me," she said leaving the room.
Once the door closed, I was left with my book in my hand and my head empty of ideas. So, I did something I should have done two years ago. I grabbed a pen and paper, took a deep and cleansing breath and allowed the pen to move on its own.
* * *
By the time I stopped writing, the showcase was one day away. I started pacing around my room counting the minutes and the hours until I hit the stage. I tried reading a book or listening to some music but I was too distracted to indulge in either one. So I went to visit my boyfriend, Quani.
Quani and I had been dating consistently for over a year after meeting at a step show freshman year. He is from New Jersey and is one of the star wide receivers of the football team. I was warned by plenty of women not to date an athlete but Quani was harmless. He was fun to be around and never hesitated to claim his love for me.
He and I are about the same complexion but he has hazel eyes like Majestic. I knew a lot of women threw themselves at him but I hadn't heard anything about him giving into temptation. He was 6'2", 200 pounds with two pierced ears and a pierced tongue. We really hit it off and things were getting pretty serious.
"Baby, I am feeling sick to my stomach. I'm having second thoughts about this showcase. I don't know if I can do this anymore," I said as soon as he opened his door.
He held me close while I shook nervously in his arms.
"It's not that big of a deal, baby. It's just words," he said while rubbing my back.
I pulled away from him suddenly and started pacing the room.
"These aren't just words to me, Quani. I am pouring out my spirit to a complete bunch of strangers. I am exposing myself to people who normally would not have anything to do with me. You know how serious I am about trying to get into my writing. This is a big step for me."
He heaved a sigh of irritation before sitting beside me on the bed.
"That's another thing," he started," your writing is taking up too much of your time. You ain't been over here in weeks. You used to give me a rub down after every game, and spend a few nights here during the week, and when's the last time you gave me some?"
I knew we would get to that sooner or later. I lost my virginity to Quani on our one year anniversary. Since that first time, we had sex several times a week and only took a break when he traveled with the team. But since the showcase came along, I had been spending all of my free time in my room. I did miss him but I hoped he knew hard I had been working.
I know a man has his needs and I felt a little guilty for not holding up my end of the relationship. I was ready to apologize when I looked down and noticed that at the mere mention of sex, he was aroused. He started stroking my thigh under my skirt and leaned in to kiss the spot on my neck he knew drove me crazy.
"You love me, don't you?" he asked his voice barely audible.
I moaned as my response. He knows my body all too well and knew that kissing me in certain places at the right time would make me putty in his hands. I almost forgot the reason I came over in the first place. Almost.
"Stop, Quani!" I said pushing him off of me. "I came over here to get some reassurance from you, not to get sexed down."
He jumped up from the bed and opened his door.
"Well, I got some studying to do anyway so I'm going to be heading out soon."
"I know I haven't been around much but I promise things will get better after tomorrow. I just need to get the showcase over with and then we can pick up where we left off. Ok?" I asked him while moving in for a kiss.
"Mm, hmm," he mumbled while offering me his cheek to kiss.
"Are you still coming tomorrow?" I asked from the doorway.
He gave me a cold stare for a few seconds before he replied, "I don't think I can make it. Since we lost last week, we have an emergency practice tomorrow."
I know he could tell I was disappointed and I did not try to hide it.
"Well, please try baby. I'll save a seat for you right in front just in case you finish up in time."
I left his room and decided to take a walk around campus. I was still too wound up about the showcase and the way Quani dismissed me didn't help to quell my nerves.
Instead, I let the sights and sounds of homecoming weekend distract me. I could smell barbecue coming from some of the Greek plots where alumni were cooking out. Older alumni wore their fraternity and sorority paraphernalia and walked around reminiscing about their college days.
I stopped to watch one of the frats step in the middle of the yard and smiled watching people reunite with old friends after graduating more than five, 10, or 20 years before. I lost track of time during my walk and missed the homecoming luau. I was ready to hit the bed when I came back to my room but I stopped to check my voicemail from the cell phone I accidentally left in the room.
"Hey baby, it's Grannie. You know that I am praying for you and I hope you remember to pray before you go on tomorrow. Just be yourself and people will have no choice but to love you."
BEEP
"This is Majestic. Look, I'm coming to pick you up tomorrow at noon. We'll grab a bite to eat and then head over to the student union. I got faith in you girl. Just believe that you can do this and everything else will fall into place."
There were no messages from Quani but I was too tired to really care.
He can act like a baby all he wants, I thought. I got too much other stuff on my mind. I'll call him tomorrow.
* * *
Majestic came at 12 on the dot. We ate lunch at the Pita Pit, which was off campus. We had three hours to kill before the showcase started, but all performers had to be there an hour early.
We sat down with our chicken Caesar pitas and talked about our classes, some of the alumni we had seen and anything else to avoid discussing the showcase until the last possible moment.
"I can't even say that I am nervous right now, Jes," I said after we finished eating. "I just feel numb now like my body can't believe that the day is finally here."
"Well it is and there is no turning back now. So just go up there, take a few deep breaths, and block out everyone in the room. If you try to see their faces, it will only make you lose confidence," she said.
"What time is it anyway?" I asked.
"Damn, we gotta get out of here girl. Don't want the star of the show to be late."
"Yeah right," I said rolling my eyes.
When we got to the student union, Jes took her seat in the first row leaving one empty for Quani. I knew she didn't care for him that much but she knew how important he was to me and was on her best behavior whenever he was around.
I paced behind the stage and silently repeated to myself, "You can do this. You can do this. You can ..."
"I need everyone's attention please," the organizer said interrupting my mantra.
He had a headset on and was talking fast while he walked behind the curtain from one end of the stage to the other.
"I just wanted to let you know what the order of the program was going to be. The dancers are going to be first, followed by the singers. The rap group is going to end the show. But before them, we are going to have Aqua come out."
It was the first time I had really looked at all of the other artists and I realized I was the only one there doing poetry. There were 10 acts total, including me, and I was going on second to last.
I started wringing my hands together and shadow boxing like I had seen plenty of people do to fight off nervous energy. The time seemed to stretch and each second brought on more fear and more anxiety. I watched the other acts do their thing and tried to gauge the mood of the audience. The alumni seemed to enjoy the entertainment but I could see that the current students were getting restless. I got the impression they were thinking about the party happening later that night.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from THINGS MY HEART HAS TO SAY by B. NAKIA GARNER Copyright © 2012 by B. Nakia Garner. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Thicker Than Water....................1Slippery When Wet....................22
Wet And Wild....................47
The Great Lakes....................57
Cool Water....................70
Shed So Many Tears....................81
One Drop At A Time....................97
Healing Waters....................114
Swim Before You Sink....................134
Rain Down On Me....................151
Dark And Damp....................165
Blame It On The Rain....................176
When It Rains, It Pours....................196
Water, Water Everywhere....................210
Hot And Wet....................228
Wishy, Washy....................237
Babbling Brook....................258