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| ISBN-13: | 9781491722831 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | iUniverse, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 02/07/2014 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 216 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
Read an Excerpt
While Being a PARENT
By Eddie Marie Durham
iUniverse LLC
Copyright © 2014 Eddie Marie DurhamAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4917-2281-7
CHAPTER 1
About Being a Mother
Being a mother is a lifetime job Loving thoughts of her child will always cause a mother's heart to throb With each child a real mother has an unbreakable connection Nothing can invade her being that, not even an intravenous injection.
Does a woman think about anybody besides herself, when she first starts thinking about being a parent? In other words, does a woman know what she is wishing for, when she wishes to become a parent? Does she know all the roles it will entail? If it is her first child, she could be completely at a loss as to the stamina, the knowledge and training she will need to be a good/proper mother for her child.
In a by-gone era one was expected to be of a certain age and married before even contemplating having children. Adoption was also only viable for those who were 'wed-locked' and, they had to be male and female. That is not necessarily the case today.
Most folks have an opinion about who should become parents. I know it is just that, an opinion. But since the lives of children and how they are reared affect our world so much, I feel one needs to give much thought to the learning of how to rear a child properly before deciding to become a parent. This thought first came to me a few years ago when I heard that some girls, who were still in grade school, had made a pack to become mothers! It completely floored me. I feel that the decision to become a parent should not be done without serious thought unless one is ready and able to provide for the child what it will need. They need to realize the consequences, not just to their life as a parent, but to that of the child they bring into the world, and into society.
When the decision came to me to write about parenting, I felt that I had a bit to offer. I have given birth to and helped to rear two sons of my own, as well as, having the experience of teaching growing children for thirty one years. My education and career was that of an elementary school teacher. During that time I had the chance to deal with children from first grade and third to sixth grade. I began teacher/training with first graders, and when I was hired as a teacher I began with third graders. I taught third graders for ten years. After the first ten years we had a basic change in the places and content of schools in this country. I had to go to work at an integrated school in a different part of the community.
At the new school I had to teach all races. My experience went from third grade to sixth grade. In our district and many others another change was made. These were the years of mothering my own children as well as working with children in the classroom. As a teacher of elementary school students we had to work closely with parents of the children. This gave me a chance to learn a great deal about the children and to observe different parenting strategies.
I also went back to college. I not only wanted to learn to be a good teacher, but I wanted to receive more information on counseling and things to help me do a good job of working with children and parents. Having had these experiences led me to believe that I might have something I could offer other parents.
Now back to those young females who made that shocking pack. I don't think, they gave any real thought to the problems to their lives a decision like this could cause. This decision would affect their parents, the children they would have, themselves and the society we live in. Since none of them were even independently able to support themselves the damage could be tremendous.
The girls were first of all so immature. One wonders if they knew, or cared how their own parents would react to something like this. They also gave no thought to heartaches and trials to be undergone while trying to rear children born outside of marriage. We know they did not have any knowledge of problems parents have when they have a child. What if it is born with an illness or some other kind of problem? Do they realize the expenses involved in providing for the child. How would they provide just the physical things a child would need, like food and clothes and a safe and secure place to live? Did they have any idea of the plain old wear and tear to their own bodies while taking on the responsibility of another person's life? These are just a few of the things they needed to realize if they were successful in going down the course they had agreed upon. If they have not it could be a real tragedy to everybody.
Females in today's world seem to be taking the step of being a parent for a variety of selfish reasons. Some do it just to fit in, for a time, without thought to the outcome. Many think it might be fun. Others, like those girls, think it will make them feel grown up. Still with no realistic thought to the consequences at all to them or the child they might bring into the world.
When the family was created by our Lord, it was for the good of the earth. This pack those girls made, was not for the good of anybody or society. I know that there are children brought into this world on human terms, by accident, a random sex act or even rape, with no thought given to the possibility at all. Though I know that God is always in control, and allows things to happen, we need to lean on His will for our lives and the lives of the children we bring into this world. We need to do as the Bible says, in other words get closer to God. He expects us to be responsible for the children we parent.
So many times I've heard the statement, "I want a child because I want someone to love me." The person(s) saying things like this seem to forget they had, or sometimes still have a parent or both parents. Yet, they still feel left out. Can one be certain they have what it takes to keep their own child from feeling left out or unloved? Yet this kind of thinking is saying that an infant will fill the void in their lives with no work on their own part. When questioned about their own situation and what the child they hope to bring into the world will feel, some have commented naively, "I won't do that to my child." These women have no idea what the, that, is, they missed or was done to them. Nor do they know what the void their parents didn't fill to make them feel loved and wanted.
The thought that, "I want a baby to have someone to love me," is a purely selfish one, no matter the biological age. One has to ask, "Has any thought been given to how much love is to be given to the child so that it knows that it is loved?" It is immature for a mother to just think of herself. A mother must be prepared and willing to give the kind of nurturing a child needs to reach its own potential in life. This is the responsibility the Lord gives to any person who brings a child into the world. Thought should also be given to the fact that a child needs two parents, a mother and a father. God laid out the pattern that way.
A potential unhappy parent needs to know that without God's help and guidance, they may do/not do exactly what their mother or father did/did not do, but their child may be unhappy, too. There are so many reasons for children disliking the way they have been reared as there are unhappy children. One youngster wrote to a person (who gives advice in newspapers) telling her all of her complaints about what her mother required of her. The requirements were what a loving mother had done to set up guidelines that would be helpful in teaching her the things that one needs to learn to be successful in life. Yet, she was too angry, and too immature to realize the rules her mother was asking her to abide by were there for her own good and not just to annoy her. What a good parent tries to teach a child is how to become a productive citizen. However letting the child know why rules have to be in place is also necessary to help prevent the kind of attitude that causes rebellion.
I feel that for a parent to know how to do what needs to be done, they need to be grounded in the Bible/The teachings of God's word. In order to get really grounded they need to be more than just familiar with, but know the teachings of the Bible. Especially the part that says, "Treat others as you want to be treated." In other words, treat all people fairly. A child needs to be trained in the right way. The parents are the children's major trainers. Many are so much better for having studied techniques of good parenting as well.
In the last few years we have heard of things that would have been unheard of, maybe not even thought of in earlier days. In that by-gone era one was expected to be of a certain age as well as married, before even contemplating being a parent. The rules have changed tremendously. Because of the way things are in our society today, we will use a quote from the mission book, Study Guide of the Women's Auxiliary of the National Baptist Convention, USA, Inc. called The Mission, for October- November-December, 2011. It was written by Debra Shaw, in the article "Teach Your Children" it says, "We have "how to" guides for everything we need except for raising our children to be a valuable servant proclaiming the truth to the world!" It goes on to tell us that we have no control of our households because we are afraid to discipline our children! It also suggests that parents are to teach their children proper discipline the way the Bible tells us to do it. We are to follow the directions given in Proverbs 22:6, which states, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."(KJV)
Are we doing this?
The rules of discipline are very much in limbo in today's society because for so long in many homes the only way to discipline meant using a strap. When the strap was outlawed, many thought that teaching discipline had gone, because they knew of no other way to teach discipline to their youngsters. These folk did not realize that strapping or whipping a child was only one way of correction/punishment and it was just one aspect of teaching discipline. Discipline involves much more than correction. My Macmillan dictionary says, "Discipline is a training that molds, or perfects something, such as the mind or moral character, self control. A system of rules for conduct, to develop and train as by instruction or exercise to learn" If one would bother to look up the word in a dictionary one may see what discipline is. This method of punishment was referred to for so long as discipline, it caused many to come to think of it as THE only way to get a method of discipline over to their youngsters. Strapping/whipping or whatever it's called is not discipline. It is a method of punishment! It is to lash one. The definition is, "To strike with blows to the body". It is more a way of forced control rather than training. It may be what many want and use, not to teach discipline, but to show who is in control. A child needs to be taught discipline, or how to live to be a productive member of society.
So, when this form of correction was outlawed in the courts many felt discipline went out the window. When that law went into effect, many of the new generation felt that those in charge of law enforcement did not want us to teach discipline to our children. Wrong! We just need to find other ways of getting the message of correction across. So those who know no other way to correct a child, need to take the time to find other ways for children to be taught correction, they need it. Discipline cannot be ignored. It is necessary for a worthwhile life.
When a person is thinking of becoming a parent there are some questions that should go through their mind. Questions like "Am I ready to become a responsible, loving, knowledgeable model for a child? Am I willing to do what is best for this child at all times, even though it may be inconvenient for me, especially teaching one to be disciplined? Will I be willing to treat this child as a precious gift from God, lent to me; to care for, rear properly, nurture and support until he/she becomes able to be a productive member of the world's community? And lastly, do I know what is necessary to do all this?"
Thoughts like these need to go through a person's mind when they are considering having a child, but thousands of us never do. Even when a person has one or more children already, they need to think of some of these things before the birth of each child, because each one is an entirely new experience. Each one is as special.
Being a parent, a role model is what you are, whether you like it or not. Most of us either want to emulate the model our parents were for us, or we want to go in a totally different way from what our parents were. The horrible/good examples of what/who our parents were, affects our behavior and those around us. In other words it is there to be seen.
Parenthood is a task that is put on a person's plate sometimes before they are ready, or familiar with what they need to do to handle it. Other times when it comes, it may cause a person to be absolutely ecstatic, whether ready or not. With God's guidance the person can become an excellent parent. My feelings when the experience proved to be successful for me was just that, ecstatic. Whether or not I am an excellent parent we won't say. However, I feel with God's guidance we did well. Our sons are parents themselves and engaged in professions that are necessary in our society.
For those who knew me, and my situation knew that I wasn't nearly ready. But God was good. I was certainly ecstatic about my becoming a mother. Part of my elation may have been because prior to this time, I had had two miscarriages. Then my first healthy child was born. Though when I think of it, the Good Lord being 'the all knowing God' that He is, may have known it was best that my husband and I not become parents until that time. Even so, it did not mean that I already knew what I was in for while the child was growing up. I just believed I could handle it, and like so many others was ready to give it my best. What I had to learn was that it is an obligation that needs for the mother to be connected with, in love with, and dependent upon an all powerful God!
There is another side to the coin that can be just as damaging and in its own way as immature. There are so many who feel that in order to show love we must give them all the things they want. We have too many children who are overly-indulged, yielded to, given their own way, appeased, accommodated, coddled, favored, served, mollycoddled, humored to excess, obliged, spoiled, catered to, gratified, and cosseted! There are so many ways to express how children are allowed to rear themselves, to do exactly what they want, in spite of the fact that they have no real handle on what the affects their actions might be to themselves or others. A growing child is too immature to know, in most cases, the consequences of his/ her action. Yet, many parents have no idea that allowing a child to do things their own way, can harm the child or others until it occurs. Many still blame everything and everyone else, when the results actually comes tumbling down upon them. We need a better way.
The old saying, "It takes a village to rear a child," is now obsolete. It got started because so many communities literally did just that. The children in the community treated every other adult with the same respect they treated their parents and many supplemented as parents when needed. The adults also knew most of the children in the area, and when they were in their company, they treated them as they did their own children. They would feed them if they were hungry, gave them directions, chastised them and even corrected/punished them if they did something wrong. The children who were punished by other adults, just hoped that their own parents didn't hear about it. If they did, they just hoped they would not get another punishment when they got home, which may have been a spanking at that time. They also helped in teaching all the kids in the area about life in general. Most of us in the farming community where I grew up in central Texas, felt loved by everyone else who lived there.
I know both parents many times have to work in today's world in order for the family to live comfortably, and that is understood. But this places the children in a much different kind of atmosphere. Since the community is not there for parents to turn to and their own family is not close by in so many instances. One today can't really rely on either the community or their extended family as a means of support. Many don't even know those people. We live in a society where we are so busy with our own agendas that we sometimes have not even laid eyes on the neighbor who live right across the way, down the hall or next door. When one adds to that, that there are so many pedophiles and violent people among us, good parents should even hesitate to allow their children outside without supervision, let alone trusting just anybody else to do it. Situations like this make the need for good parenting even more necessary in the world we now live in. But with the parents studying, and relying on God's guidance anything is possible.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from While Being a PARENT by Eddie Marie Durham. Copyright © 2014 Eddie Marie Durham. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
About Being a Mother, 1,My First Child, 14,
We Encounter a Problem, 25,
Being a Mother, Again, 35,
The Lord Gave Me ANOTHER Son, 46,
Strategies for Rearing, Are Much Needed, 50,
Some Examples of Parenting, 56,
Mama Paved the Way, 74,
Youth leader, 85,
Even a Mother Can Learn, 98,
There Is a Place for Homework, 108,
Kenneth and Bobby Junior Grow Up, 113,
Using One of My Original Programs, 126,
Stuff Happens, 133,
Bobby Junior's Turn to Graduate, 139,
A Mother with a Problem, 152,
Connecting at Distances, 160,
While Standing on God's promises, 169,
Bobby' Fight with a Wasp, 173,
Kenneth Falls Into a Coma, 178,
Jennifer Has some Problems, Too, 184,
Just Being Me!, 190,
Bibliography, 207,
Acknowledgements, 209,