0
    Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

    Everything Is Perfect When You're a Liar

    3.2 77

    by Kelly Oxford


    eBook

    $8.99
    $8.99

    Customer Reviews

      ISBN-13: 9780062102249
    • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
    • Publication date: 04/02/2013
    • Sold by: HARPERCOLLINS
    • Format: eBook
    • Pages: 336
    • Sales rank: 286,139
    • File size: 978 KB

    Kelly Oxford, born in Edmonton, Canada, currently lives in Los Angeles with her three children. She is the author of the New York Times bestseller Everything is Perfect When You’re a Liar. You can find her avoiding her book and screen writing on Twitter and Instagram (@kellyoxford). She likes poodles and PBS.

    Table of Contents

    Introduction ix

    Queen of the World or Something 1

    She's a Darling, She's a Demon, She's a Lamb 19

    Fuck You Forever 37

    Tweezers 59

    I Peed My Pants and Threw Up on a Chinese Man 77

    Work Experience 101 99

    Finding Leo 107

    The Terrible Horrible 153

    How I Met Your Father: When the Children Ask, This Is What I Will Have to Tell Them 177

    Life with Harvey 183

    The Backup Plan 201

    An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I Was High on Morphine 227

    My Zoo 233

    Vegas 243

    Frogger 295

    Epilogue 315

    Acknowledgments 317

    Available on NOOK devices and apps

    • NOOK eReaders
    • NOOK GlowLight 4 Plus
    • NOOK GlowLight 4e
    • NOOK GlowLight 4
    • NOOK GlowLight Plus 7.8"
    • NOOK GlowLight 3
    • NOOK GlowLight Plus 6"
    • NOOK Tablets
    • NOOK 9" Lenovo Tablet (Arctic Grey and Frost Blue)
    • NOOK 10" HD Lenovo Tablet
    • NOOK Tablet 7" & 10.1"
    • NOOK by Samsung Galaxy Tab 7.0 [Tab A and Tab 4]
    • NOOK by Samsung [Tab 4 10.1, S2 & E]
    • Free NOOK Reading Apps
    • NOOK for iOS
    • NOOK for Android

    Want a NOOK? Explore Now

    Kelly Oxford is . . .

    A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

    Not the queen of the world

    An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

    The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

    A born salesman

    Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20

    That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time

    Totally an expert on strep throat

    Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her boyfriend

    A writer

    A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

    "Not fat enough to be super snuggly." —Bea, age four

    Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

    "Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." —Roger Ebert

    Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon

    A terrible liar

    Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought

    Recently Viewed 

    Publishers Weekly
    In these disjointed autobiographical essays, L.A.-based writer, Twitter celebrity, and mom Oxford per-forms a flatfooted exercise in pointlessness. Framed by silly dialog with her three children ("Did you write this book to make dough?" eight-year-old Hen asks), Oxford's erratic chapters relay cherished memories from a not-so-long-ago youth: her early attempts to stage a production of Star Wars at her French Canadian immersion school, a first job washing dishes at the popular Schitzelhaus, pot-smoking teenage shenanigans with her best friend Aimee (such as traveling to Las Vegas to meet the about-to-be-a-big-star Leonardo DiCaprio), finding her future husband while working at a diner, and freaking out after becoming a mother in her early twenties without a "backup" secondary degree. Though pithy moments can be found, these stories often succumb to aimlessness. A trip to Las Vegas to meet magician David Copperfield, who provides a gracious reception after becoming a fan of Ox-ford's on Twitter, and a trip to Disneyland with her family prove feeble fodder for hilarity. The humor is wackily contrived, nearly slapstick, possessing little irony, tension, or subtlety. Instead, exclamation points lead the way like a banal laugh track and scatological references seem like a desperate plot for reaction. (Apr.)
    HelloGiggles.com
    The anecdotes included in the book will make you love [Oxford] even more than you probably already do, if that’s even possible. Kelly is truly hilarious. . . I couldn’t put this book down – you won’t be able to, either.
    E! Online
    [Oxford’s] first book of humorous essays and we can officially confirm: They are indeed humorous.
    Interview
    A hilariously mortifying memoir. . . Oxford plumbs her past for painful moments and turns them into slyly funny stories. . . These vignettes are vulnerable and powerful—they make us feel less freakish by comparison. Effortlessly cool, offbeat, devilish, dramatic Oxford makes sense and smart humor from her adventures.
    Lifestyle Mirror
    Kelly Oxford in 140 characters seems like small doses of a great drug. We want more! Thanks to her new book, we’ve got it.
    Daily Candy
    [Oxford] is one freakin’ funny lady. . . Hilarious.
    New York Daily News
    Kelly Oxford is the new cool kid in Hollywood. . . [In] Everything is Perfect When You’re A Liar Oxford displays the comic relief that’s been drawing celebrities like Jimmy Kimmel and Jessica Alba to her Twitter feed since 2009.
    Forbes
    [Oxford’s] new book is full of humorous stories about growing up, making mistakes, stalking Leonardo DiCaprio, and braving Disneyland. . . It’s funny but also surprisingly touching. . . a coming-of-age story. . . just a hell of a lot funnier.
    Los Angeles Times
    Oxford’s writing is marked by the same wry voice that’s made her a social media sensation.
    The Frisky
    Everything Is Perfect When You’re A Liar is personal without being exploitative, smart but utterly unpretentious, and a complete delight to read. I’m not lying when I say this book is damn near perfect.
    Cameron Crowe
    Kelly Oxford is the friend we all deserve-the one who tells us the best secrets, takes us on all the finest adventures, and remembers every hilariously embarrassing detail. Everything Is Perfect is sharply funny, and truly great.
    Diablo Cody
    Kelly Oxford is a refreshing rarity in a sea of Hollywood suck-ups. She’s hilarious, hot, and the most truthful liar I’ve ever encountered.
    Lena Dunham
    Kelly Oxford is like your cool babysitter who teaches you about sex and sarcasm in an un-creepy way. Hanging out with her book makes you wish your parents were always out to dinner.
    Justin Halpern
    Kelly Oxford has this unbelievable ability to tell stories in that way that makes you laugh without ever shoving jokes in your face. This book is basically an announcement that she’s one of the best humor writers working today.
    Jonathan Ames
    I’m fascinated by Kelly Oxford. She’s a 21st century public diarist, her story told in shards, brief moments of wit and observation.
    Jason Segel
    Kelly Oxford is one of the funniest writers I have read in a long time.
    Time magazine
    With biting wit and always-appreciated humorous self-deprecation, Oxford’s tweets have garnered a huge following .
    Kirkus Reviews
    Autobiographical vignettes from Twitter comedian Oxford. These stories fall into roughly three stages of the author's life: obnoxiously precocious childhood, confused young adulthood and parenthood. When Oxford tells us about her childhood and teen years, she doesn't hold back, giving us mortifying stories about wetting herself in a gas station and puking in her friend's father's car before a party. She also comes across as somewhat bratty and entitled. Her young adulthood was appropriately wacky. She flew from Canada to Los Angeles on a whim in a desperate attempt to meet Leonardo DiCaprio and bought, then sold, a dilapidated camper van. When describing her adulthood and parenthood, she grows into her precociousness. "An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle" is entertaining, and the last sentence is genuinely funny and unexpected. "How I Met Your Father" is sweetly raunchy, the kind of story that will horrify her children but delight her grandchildren. As amusing as some of these stories are, Oxford is a mostly unremarkable writer with a remarkable claim to fame: her successful use of Twitter to gain an audience for her humor and writing. Yet this, the most interesting fact about her, receives very little attention in the book. She does share her experience meeting David Copperfield as a result of a Twitter exchange, but the story readers will most likely want to hear--how she got started with Twitter and how her tweets got the attention of significant public figures like Copperfield and Roger Ebert--is absent from the narrative. Alternately grating and amusing, Oxford skips the most interesting part of her life: her canny use of Twitter.

    Read More

    Sign In Create an Account
    Search Engine Error - Endeca File Not Found