Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Defining Who You Are Now

The immense value and beauty of the human being lies precisely in
the fact that he belongs to the two kingdoms of nature and the spirit.

--Thomas Mann

Feeling at Home

Several years ago, my daughter Brooke was sitting at a favorite café in Paris, reflecting on how central France is to her life. Not only did she find her true self in France but her love of this country led her to a career in design and style. Something extraordinary happens to Brooke's face whenever she sets foot on French soil. She gets dimples. Ever since she was five, France has been a living reality in her philosophy and her way of experiencing the world. At that café that particular afternoon, reflecting on her good fortune to be able to make her home in Paris after graduating from college, she did something I would do -- she got out her pen and a sheet of paper from her Filofax and wrote down the ten things that define who she is. She kept that list in her notebook all these years and came across it recently. What's powerful about this exercise is how true to her center these words continue to be. These words tumbled from pen to paper without conscious thought. They symbolize all the true meaning of her being.

Inspiration
Blue
Paris
Elephants
Flowers
Light
Beauty
Artists
Design
Creativity

Over lunch in a French bistro on Madison Avenue, she shared with me these ten symbols that define who she is. Ireached for pen and paper and wrote mine down. My husband, Peter, joined in and wrote down his. We laughed and laughed. Tears of joy rolled down our cheeks because of the ineffable liberation of our spirits. Here we are, three people who love each other dearly, who have shared a home together happily ever since Peter and I married in May 1974, yet each of us expresses our true self so differently. That lunch was memorable because of the intimacy we felt toward each other and the feeling of freedom each of us experienced in defining who we are.

Because this experience was so powerful for all of us, I suggest you get out a pencil or pen and a piece of paper and write down the ten word symbols that tell who you truly are. Don't think. Your subconscious does all the work. Be there to record what emerges from the deepest recesses of your heart. This may be one of the sweetest moments of your entire life. Try it, and see for yourself how you feel.

Your Personal Book

The brilliant result of the exercise you just completed is that you see your individuality in front of you. You have a unique mind and spirit. No matter what social conventions or habits you've learned, you are different from anyone else on earth. Once you tap into that awareness of your self, then the joy is in expressing that unique soul.

Buy a notebook to use as an exercise book as you read Feeling at Home. Think of this book as a place to discover your own personal truth. By getting in tune and in touch with your truths, you can create a home that echoes your true spirit. When I ask you a question, write the answer in your notebook. The notebook will be our creative interaction.

I am going to share some deeply felt truths about our feelings at home. I want you to be challenged by them. Make notes, write your questions, answer those you wish to, and remember, there are no right answers. You will see that the questions lead you to your own reality, your own truth, your own answers. Your answers can't be answered by me (or anyone else), nor will I ask you all the right questions. Some will cause painful self-analysis and others will help you to see how well your needs are met at home. I want to stimulate your thinking about your daily life, your needs, and your desires.

The notebook you use to accompany Feeling at Home might be the best book ever written because it will be you at your core, free of social expectations and the anxieties of day-to-day living. Once you can touch that essential nature, you are free to live not only a beautiful life but a joyful existence in your earthly home.

Ten Personality Traits

The ten symbols that define who I am are:

Love
Food
Sunlight
Family
Gardens
Color
Beaches
Ribbons
Children
Home

Later, I will share examples of how and why I've been untrue to my self at different periods of my life and how I got back on my path.

Peter told me he'd be happy to share his ten defining symbols:

Love
Dancing
Beaches
Music
Old friends
Wine
Children
Lunch
Reading
Memories

I smile every time I think of this because anyone who knows Peter understands this is pure Peter Megargee Brown. One of the most important lessons I've learned from Peter is how true he always is to who he really is. No matter who he's with, whether he's alone with me, with family, with a mentor, a client, a friend, or a waiter, with rare exceptions he is quintessentially himself. He is a playful fourth child of four, always the baby, and as the youngest he had invaluable time to learn from his mother, who was happy and resourceful, beautiful and graceful in spirit. Simply, he got away with being himself. To the extent he could separate himself from others' demands, he managed to do so. Often he just played dumb, politely listening to others' advice, while following his own.

On Becoming Who We Are

It took me longer to break free for many simple and complex reasons. My mother was easy to get along with as long as you agreed with her. Perhaps...

Feeling at Home. Copyright © by Alexandra Stoddard. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.