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Brains and hormones
If boys and girls are different, is that how they’re born, or the way we raise them? We can’t emphasize enough what a silly question this is, because the answer is obviously some of each. Experts will never agree on exactly how much is nature versus nurture, nor exactly which types of behaviors align with which.
And that’s okay, because parents don’t need to get into the murky debate over how differently-wired brains and hormones can affect language and learning, to get the information they need to raise their sons well. They just need to stay open-minded to the fact that there are differences, both physical and cultural, and that their parenting style will have only limited influence against these. While a degree of skepticism is healthy, it is counterproductive to ignore all the science. If women are particularly wary of the nature-versus-nurture debate, that’s understandable, given that they’ve been the ones most hurt in the past by misinformation and manipulations.
As Christina Hoff Sommers says in The War Against Boys, “It wasn’t all that long ago that intelligent men were deploying the idea of innate differences to justify keeping women down socially, legally and politically. The corrective to that shameful history is not more bad science and rancorous philosophy; it is good science and clear thinking about the rights of all individuals, however they may differ.”
In recent years, key developments in many areas of science (neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, genetics and neuroendocrinology) confirm the many differences with which boys and girls are born – in other words, differences that scientists pretty much agree can be chalked up to nature, not nurture.
Here’s the key one: Girls’ brains tend to mature earlier than boys’. That’s why girls develop faster than boys in many ways, but especially as regards reading, speaking and writing. The gap shows up at around age three, and closes about the time boys hit seventeen.
Most people accept this in the preschool years; it seems everyone knows about it and alters their expectations accordingly. But by kindergarten, parents and teachers are wary of treating kids differently, or allowing for different sets of expectations based on gender. Add to that the trend towards kindergartens focusing on academics over activities that kids initiate (which favors girls over boys), larger class sizes (leading to “crowd control” measures to which girls adapt more easily than boys) and the lack of male teachers in elementary schools (allowing for inadvertent biases, like a lack of tolerance for squirming boys).
Now add the next key factor: Boys tend to be more impulsive and need to move around more than girls. Not a problem as long as parents and teachers accept this. But as the number of male teachers (and principals) has decreased in elementary schools, class sizes have expanded and energy-absorbing activities like art, gym, drama and recess have been cut back, boys’ natural energy is often seen as unnatural. Hence, the skyrocketing number of boys referred to those who would prescribe drugs that calm them. Have parents and teachers begun to see boys as faulty girls?
As they progress through elementary grades, boys feel the ever heavier weight of disapproval. What parent isn’t distressed when phoned by the principal or given a negative report at a parent-teacher conference? Imagine being told your son is not reading well (compared with whom?), not reading the “right” things (determined largely by female teachers and female librarians) and not settling into writing exercises (which may be heavily skewed to what females like as we discuss in Chapter Eight).
Any tolerance adults have for boys’ language lag in preschool disappears by the time boys reach puberty, likely a major contributing factor to boys developing a negative view of their own language skills and beginning to tune out. The exceptions, as we’ve pointed out before, are the “elites,” typically blessed with strict time limits on screen time at home, ample literary encouragement from their families, positive reinforcement at home for what reading and writing they are doing and positive male role models in their lives.
Basically, differences in brain structure, hormone levels and speed of maturing work against boys when it comes to reading, writing and impulse control. But the existence of “elite boys” proves that those who get encouragement and support can thrive.
As Michael Sullivan puts it in Connecting Boys with Books 2, “The reading gap can be explained largely in terms of brain development lag, making it much less frightening, because boys’ brains eventually catch up, presumably along with their ability to handle language. What then becomes the issue is how we treat children while this brain lag exists, because the development lag really disappears only during the last stages of high school, and by then we have little opportunity to make up for any ground lost.”
The trick for parents is to give boys a more physical learning environment (let them be antsy, handle materials, illustrate or act out stories), give them more frequent breaks and do whatever it takes to keep them supported and motivated until the gender gap starts to close so they won’t label themselves stupid or lazy and give up.
In other words, patience is required when it comes to boys’ reading and writing. And starting them before they’re ready (age five or so) can backfire.

SIDEBAR
Set high standards

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that some parents are reluctant to set tough academic standards for their children with learning disabilities (LD). They fear that setting the bar high will cause their kids to become overwhelmed and filled with anxiety.
In reality, that attitude does more harm than good. Their insecurity comes across as a lack of confidence in their child’s ability to do well in school. Truthfully, many students with LD want to be challenged!
Every day, students with LD are reminded that they learn differently. From the support they receive to the accommodations they’re given, the message is loud and clear: You don’t learn like everyone else, and because of that you need special treatment.
Parents have an opportunity to counter the message kids get at school. By maintaining high academic standards and holding their children accountable for their schoolwork, they telegraph their belief that their kids can achieve at levels equal to if not better than their peers.
For students with LD, school is often not a safe zone. They may spend a large part of the day feeling out of place and discouraged. Home, on the other hand, is a safe haven. It’s an environment where the pressure is off, and they’re free to explore who they are and gain self-awareness along the way.
Parents should take advantage of that comfort level and push their child academically, helping her to gain confidence and develop the determination to succeed. With consistent encouragement and accountability, students will internalize the belief that they can meet any academic challenge that comes their way.
I learned that lesson early on, and it’s one I’ve never forgotten. When I was in fifth grade, one unit of my history class was dedicated to the Colonial era. My father, a history major, helped me through this class, explaining topics I didn’t understand. But as a student with LD, tests were hard for me! On the first test my grade was thirty-two percent. I was pretty disappointed and nervous about showing my father, even though I was sure he would tell me it was okay. Instead he responded with the most motivating words I have ever heard: “I don’t ever want to see a grade like that again.”
Harsh, yes for a ten-year-old, but empowering! I knew exactly what he meant: He had confidence in me, knowing full well I could do better. On the next exam I studied with determination and got a 100 percent! I couldn’t have been prouder to show him that grade!
– Samantha Turner (Reprinted, with permission, from the Smart Kids with LD website at SmartKidswithLD.org; copyright by Smart Kids with Learning Disabilities®.)

Counter opinion: “I disagree with recommending pushing one’s child academically,” says Philippa Slater, director of the Learning Disabilities Association of British Columbia. “Each child, according to their make-up, reacts differently to their LD. Some are far more resilient than others. Some are very fragile. Any pressure has to come with a great deal of homework support and informed sensitivity to how much harder these kids have to study. As LD expert Richard Lavoie says, ‘They have to work twice as hard to get half as far.’” (ricklavoie.com)

SIDEBAR
Ever restless

I was a bad kid because I tapped my foot. And then I started tapping both feet; next I began drumming my fingers.
In reality, a handful of kids in every classroom in America does the same thing. Eventually the teacher says, “What is your problem?” That happens to be one of the most damaging statements you can make to a child. The child naturally concludes he has a problem or is broken in some way.
Ironically, science tells us otherwise. We now know that kids who tap their feet are not doing so because they’re bad, or trying to be irritating, or because they’re on their way to a life of crime. They’re doing it because it accesses a physical motor memory that facilitates focusing. It’s what that child needs to do in order to learn.
When the teacher yells, “Focus!” it stops the tapping—but it also stops the learning.

– Jonathan Mooney, co-author of Learning Outside the Lines: Two Ivy League Students with Learning Disabilities and ADHD Give You the Tools for Academic Success and Educational Revolution, and The Short Bus: A Journey Beyond Normal. (Reprinted, with permission, from the Smart Kids with LD website at SmartKidswithLD.org; copyright by Smart Kids with Learning Disabilities®.)

SIDEBAR
Words and numbers to ponder

• More than six percent of school-age children are currently receiving special education services because of LD – at least seventy-three percent of them boys.
• When research is used to identify students with LD, half are boys, half are girls. But when general or special education teachers do the identifying, twice as many boys as girls are given that label. Could that be because most of the people referring them are teachers frustrated by (and not trained or supported to deal with) some of the characteristics of LD (acting out, disruptiveness, impulsivity, etc.)? Doctors are too quick to assume boys have ADHD and put them on drugs, says Joel Bakan in his persuasive book, Childhood Under Siege. In Boy Smarts, MacDonald agrees, saying, “We need to embrace a boy’s high spirited nature and not see him as abnormal or defective.”
• Sixty-seven percent of young students at risk for reading difficulties become average or above average readers after receiving specialized instruction in the early grades.
• Albert Einstein couldn’t read until he was nine. Walt Disney, General George Patton, U.S. Vice President Nelson Rockefeller, Whoopi Goldberg, Thomas Edison and Charles Schwab have learning disabilities, yet are successful.

SIDEBAR
Jay’s story

Cynthia noticed something different about her third son, Jay, long before he reached kindergarten. During family reading time, he would restlessly color or fiddle with books while his older brothers listened attentively. She knew enough to allow him to be restless because she knew he was still listening – and how else would she get any books into him? But her instincts told her that his inability to sit still or focus was not typical boy stuff.
His first-grade teacher noticed the same issues and worked with Cynthia and her husband to get Jay diagnosed as having ADHD. They noticed Jay’s reading increase and improve immediately after he started taking Ritalin. But it wasn't enough to restore what Cynthia refers to as his lack of a social antenna and his dwindling self-confidence.
By the time Jay was old enough to ride the bus to school, he was trying out impulsive, attention-getting behavior that worked against making friends – like insulting children five years older and then feeling mystified when they were mean back. And although he was very intelligent, his schoolwork and other activities suffered from his hyperactivity.
“He would get singled out