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Chapter One

How To
Recognize A
Narcissist And
Narcissism

It has been said that narcissism is a common condition of modern society, that in the past there were narcissists but never in such profusion. Louis XIV, when he uttered his famous comment, "L'etat, c'est moi" (I am the state) was expressing the quintessential narcissistic viewpoint of monomaniacal self-centeredness. The French Revolution was set off by his feelings of narcissistic entitlement. Louis's ego was so inflated that he felt it represented the needs of all France. If Louis ate, France should feel satisfied. Marie Antoinette offered her own narcissistic reaction to the starving masses begging for bread when she uttered her insouciant cry, "Let them eat cake." Since her belly was filled, their request for mere subsistence seemed ridiculous. These two comments are like bookends of similar design. They imply, "My needs are all; nothing and no one else counts."

A narcissist is interested only in what reflects on her. All she does or experiences is seen as a reflection of self. The name of this psychological aberration is derived from the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a beautiful young man beloved of the nymphs. The nymph Echo fell in love with Narcissus's beauty but he paid no attention to her increasingly mournful cries. To the gods looking down upon the play of men, unrequited love was a crime. They punished Narcissus in appropriate symbolic form by causing him to fall in love with his own reflection, ever reaching out to embrace an illusion.

Each time Narcissus reached for his adored image mirrored in apool of still water, it would dissolve into numberless ripples. The narcissist, who is constantly trying to repair her injured self-esteem by adorning and admiring her gilded self, is also haunted by the terror of psychological fragmentation should she become aware that this self is not all she claims it to be.

The narcissistic character disorder is described in the DSM-III (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as having the following characteristics: an inflated sense of self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration); exhibitionism (a need to be looked at and admired); a tendency to feel rage with little objective cause; a readiness to treat people with cool indifference as punishment for hurtful treatment or as an indication of the fact they have no current use for the person; a tendency toward severe feelings of inferiority, shame, and emptiness; a sense of entitlement accompanied by the tendency to exploit; a tendency to overidealize or devalue people based largely on a narrow focus; an inability to empathize.

This list is extensive but not all-inclusive. We are said to live in the age of narcissism. Few of us are entirely free of its traits. It is in our label, "the Me Generation," and shows up in popular expressions such as "What's in it for me?" and "taking care of number one." Those who are philosophically inclined might ask which comes first, the narcissism of the individual or that of the society in which he is formed. There probably is a point at which the ills and emphases of a society and the neuroses of individuals living within it feed into a common stream.

If society worships such external things as how you appear to others, your status, power, and money, a person may acquire the belief that what she keeps inside, her emotions and the deeds that only she knows about, do not count. Yet the only real and lasting sense of self-worth that a person can have is the feeling of and for her essential self, the sense of being real, of doing what possibly she alone thinks appropriate. Having an appreciation of the subjective intangible is what we mean when we say that someone has "character," a rare trait today.

Applying the values of an externalized society to one's self causes narcissistic wounding. We use the word narcissistic to show that it is self-love that is harmed. When self-love depends on externals, on others' opinions of what you are and do, the self is betrayed. A woman who possesses great natural beauty was described by her boastful mother in front of company as "beautiful as a movie star." When she heard these words, the daughter cringed in shame, feeling herself to be worthless because she was only valued for her surface.

A healthy self has nothing to do with stardom. Psychological health comes from acceptance starting in early infancy of all that you are, good and bad, dirty and clean, naughty and nice, smart and stupid. In the adult, health is manifested by an accord between ideals and actions, by the ability to appreciate yourself for what you attempt to do as well as for what succeeds. It means recognizing that although you are not perfect you are still worthy of love.

In high school, coaches attempt to strengthen character by telling their charges to do their best and to ignore whether the outcome is win or lose. Our externalized society is so addicted to winning that such advice is but a weak antidote to the pressure placed on youngsters by hysterical parents, idealizing students, and the school board, all of whose egos need a win to contradict a basically shaky self-image.

To grow up to be a whole person, infants, toddlers, and children in their formative stages need the experience of genuine acceptance; they have to know that they are truly seen and yet are perfect and lovable in their parents' eyes; they need to stumble and sometimes fall and to be greeted by a father's or mother's commiserating smile. Through parental acceptance, children learn that their "is-ness," their essential selves, merit love. Self-love is learned through identification. Positive self-regard is the opposite of what the narcissist knows. He is "in love" with himself precisely because he cannot love himself.

Trapped in The Mirror. Copyright © by Elan Golomb Phd. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.