The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

by Esther Perel

Overview

Iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns to paperback with a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062322593
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	10/09/2018
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	352
Sales rank:	7,796
Product dimensions:	5.20(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered nearly 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 24 languages. Her newest book is New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (HarperCollins).

Perel is also an executive producer and host of the popular Audible original podcast Where Should We Begin?

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction xiii

Part I Setting the Stage

Chapter 1 A New Conversation About Marriage and Infidelity 3

Chapter 2 Defining Infidelity: Is Chatting Cheating? 18

Chapter 3 Affairs Are Not What They Used to Be 36

Part II The Fallout

Chapter 4 Why Betrayal Hurts So Much: Death by a Thousand Cuts 55

Chapter 5 Little Shop of Horrors: Do Some Affairs Hurt More than Others? 76

Chapter 6 Jealousy: The Spark of Eros 92

Chapter 7 Self-Blame or Vengeance: The Dagger Cuts Both Ways 109

Chapter 8 To Tell or Not to Tell? The Politics of Secrecy and Revelation 127

Part III Meanings and Motives

Chapter 9 Even Happy People Cheat: Mining the Meanings of Affairs 151

Chapter 10 An Antidote to Deadness: The Lure of the Forbidden 172

Chapter 11 Is Sex Ever Just Sex?: The Emotional Economics of Adultery 190

Chapter 12 The Mother of All Betrayals?: Affairs Among Other Marital Misdemeanors 214

Chapter 13 The Lover's Dilemma: Conversations with the Other Woman 233

Part IV Ever After

Chapter 14 Monogamy and Its Discontents: Rethinking Marriage 255

Chapter 15 After the Storm: the Legacy of an Affair 280

Notes 303

Index 311

Editorial Reviews

Sexologist Perel, a marriage crisis ‘first responder,’ excavates the messy psychology of infidelity, digging into such charged topics as the ‘new shame’ of wives—staying with a cheater—and why even happy partners sometimes stray.

O Magazine

It’s the knowledge and research Perel has amassed on infidelity over the years, through her work as a couple’s therapist, that’s most compelling…. Perel is defiantly non-judgmental.

Telegraph (UK)

Perel takes a peel-the-layers approach to infidelity that surprises on every page…. [She] weaves together a collection of personal stories that is both thrilling (you feel like you’re eavesdropping) and moving.

Goop

Perel spends much of her book examining the psychological meaning, motivation, and impact of these affairs.

CNN

If anyone knows the varied ways cheating can impact a marriage, it’s Esther Perel.

Health magazine

[Perel] uses her findings to confront some of the most controversial and uncomfortable topics…. Here is a woman who, after spending three decades listening to tales of lies, pain and illicit sex, still believes in our ability to love and be loved in an honest, nuanced way.

RED Magazine

“Sure to get a lot of people talking.

Megyn Kelly on Megyn Kelly TODAY

One of the most respected voices on erotic intelligence, she views sexuality as a lens through which to examine the progressive or conservative forces at work in a society.

The Georgia Straight

As someone so completely plugged into the world of relationships, it makes sense that Perel would have some incredible insight into the most important one of all: the relationship we have with ourselves.

Shondaland

 “Excellent.

Nasty Galaxy

She has an incredible ability to speak the truth in a way that cuts you to the core and also makes you feel safe to explore topics we usually don’t talk about.

Lewis Howes

It’s fascinating because it makes you question your beliefs on the nature of adultery when you view it in a less one-dimensional way.

The Times (UK)

Perel proposes a radically new way of thinking about infidelity that goes beyond the havoc it wreaks and drills down to its motives.

The Globe and Mail (Canada)

The State of Affairs examines infidelity from all points of view – the person who cheated, the person who was cheated on, and the third party – in an attempt to understand how to make modern relationships more resilient.

Washington Post

[Perel is] a genius in this area of understanding deep relationships.

Tony Robbins

[Perel] is the real deal and very, very insightful…. Highly recommend [The State of Affairs].

Tim Ferriss

Unfailingly empathetic…. The State of Affairs is packed with such sage insights…. Through her formidable elegance, Perel manages to infuse some dignity into the pettiness of most betrayals.

Bookforum

Perel takes an unconventional look at infidelity.

Associated Press Staff

With a Francophone accent that sounds just as knowledgeable as it does erotic, to say Perel is easy on the ears is an understatement.

Vogue on podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Perel uses conversation, knowledge, intuition, and creativity to make incisive interpretations that, at their most elegant, are not only helpful but artful. Listening to these sessions is deeply provoking.

Slate on podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

There’s a reason Esther Perel is the sex expert people can’t stop reading: she gets results.

The Leslie Roberts Show

In her opinion, confronting and unearthing the why behind an affair with honesty and courage, can steer a relationship back from brink—possibly towards a place of erotic rediscovery.

Esquire

Relationship therapist Esther Perel is probably the world’s foremost authority on infidelity.

UK GQ

Esther Perel is America’s first clear-eyed public intellectual on love.

Quartz

Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.

Sunday Times Style by The Times of London

Perel is a master at what she does.

The New Yorker on podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

[One of the] best books of 2017... In The State of Affairs, Perel explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain... in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.

NPR’s Guide to 2017’s Greatest Reads

She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on — she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.“

The New York Times

This is an addictive read. Beautifully written by Esther Perel, author of bestseller Mating in Captivity, [The State of Affairs] delves into the murky world, of deceit, betrayal and ultimate pain.

Starts at 60 (Australia)

Perel’s well-researched book sheds light on the idea that couples not only have the ability to move past an infidelity, but they can come out stronger.

mindbodygreen

Ms. Perel doesn’t recommend that couples be unfaithful—far from it. But she thinks that affairs can happen in stable, happy marriages, and that they often have more to do with a person than a relationship.

Wall Street Journal

Perel suggests that one factor driving infidelity in otherwise happy marriages is the fact that we rely on our spouse for too much, particularly too much in our own quest for self-discovery.

New York Post

Esther Perel, a well known Belgian therapist who works with couples and speaks quite a bit on infidelity, says that affairs are not merely an act of betrayal but also an expression of longing and loss.

Bravo TV

[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.

Guardian (UK)

[Perel] doesn't dispense advice as much as scratch at orthodoxies, and pose questions with wit and a Continental exasperation with American mores. Our obsession with transparency, total disclosure and suffocating intimacy stanches desire, she argues—"fire needs air"…There is an aura of Gulliver about her; it's as if she can't believe how small Americans have made their lives, how we've settled for coziness and peaceably binge-watching the weekend away. The matter of the erotic has gravity for her…I've always found the pleasure of reading Perel…lies in how literary her approach is. In case studies, she gives us each partner's account—and then unravels them, pulling on this strand and that, investigating the stories we tell about ourselves, where these stories come from and who they serve…She doesn't peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on—she's too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality and your complicity in what happens in your marriage. She's a tonic, and sometimes a tough one to swallow.

The New York Times - Parul Sehgal

07/17/2017
Longtime couples therapist Perel follows 2006’s Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence with another provocative study of relationships. This time around she puts forth the controversial view that infidelity is ultimately beneficial to relationships, and she successfully explores the ways that affairs force partners to closely examine their attitudes about love, commitment, and sex. Make no mistake: Perel does not advocate infidelity. She dismisses the oft-used excuse that adultery is due to sex addiction and argues that emotional cheating is still cheating (“When it’s no longer an exchange of kisses but an exchange of dick pics... when the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we to know what constitutes an affair?”). She sensibly makes the case that if the damage has already been done, it’s imperative that the experience provide a way forward—whether that is to stay married or to split up. She bolsters her arguments with real-life examples from both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

Perel uses conversation, knowledge, intuition, and creativity to make incisive interpretations that, at their most elegant, are not only helpful but artful. Listening to these sessions is deeply provoking.

Slate on podcast Where Should We Begin With Esther Perel

Through her research, [Perel is] able to dive into the sordid history of affairs, the modern prevalence of romantic love, and why, exactly, infidelity doesn’t always lead to the dissolution of a marriage. As it turns out, the widely accepted reasons for why people cheat don’t always apply — and the list of potential reasons is ever-evolving.

Refinery29

It’s fascinating, sometimes on a human-drama level, sometimes on a helpful-to-us-all level.

New York Times on podcast Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Since publishing “Mating in Captivity” in 2006, Ms Perel has become a globe-trotting guru on sex and relationships... [In The State of Affairs, Perel dispels] myths and to show that affairs can sometimes even fortify relationships, so long as they spur a couple to discuss what has long been left unsaid.

The Economist

[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.

The Guardian (UK)

Perel takes a very stern line on what she sees as the excessive sense of entitlement that contemporary couples bring to their relationships. Their outsized expectations of what marriage can and should provide—perpetual excitement, comfort, sexual bliss, intellectual stimulus, and so on—together with their callow, “consumerist” approach to romantic choices, leave them ill-equipped to cope with the inevitable frustrations and longueurs of the long haul. They are too quick to look elsewhere the moment that their “needs aren’t being met,” and too ready to despair the moment that the promise of sexual loyalty is broken. Those who show willingness to forgive infidelity risk being chastised by friends and relatives for their lack of gumption.

Zoe Heller

Perel takes a very stern line on what she sees as the excessive sense of entitlement that contemporary couples bring to their relationships. Their outsized expectations of what marriage can and should provide—perpetual excitement, comfort, sexual bliss, intellectual stimulus, and so on—together with their callow, “consumerist” approach to romantic choices, leave them ill-equipped to cope with the inevitable frustrations and longueurs of the long haul. They are too quick to look elsewhere the moment that their “needs aren’t being met,” and too ready to despair the moment that the promise of sexual loyalty is broken. Those who show willingness to forgive infidelity risk being chastised by friends and relatives for their lack of gumption.

 Zoë Heller

With a Francophone accent that sounds just as knowledgeable as it does erotic, to say Perel is easy on the ears is an understatement.

Vogue on podcast Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel

[Perel] deals with the mess and pain of fractured relationships with searing honesty, astute observations and compassion… If your marriage were in trouble, you’d want her help.

The Guardian

The State of Affairs takes a fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.

The LA Review of Books

10/01/2017
Much of the literature on infidelity instructs readers how to repair the destruction of an affair or "affair proof" their marriage. Frank Pittman's seminal Private Lies diverged from "how-to" guide into deep study, and so does this book. Here, Perel (Mating in Captivity) looks at motives and meanings. Why do spouses cheat on one another? What values or interpersonal dynamics impact how an affair is revealed, and how does keeping or revealing secrets liberate or imprison? How does grief manifest among the betrayed, betrayer, and the lover? Most controversially, while never condoning infidelity, Perel argues that affairs can transform, and that people can aim for understanding without passing immediate judgment. Perel claims that discussing infidelity and outside sexual desires heightens intimacy and strengthens the couple's bond, making infidelity actually less likely. If we acknowledge the attraction of the forbidden and not see love as a constant, concludes Perel, we can successfully invigorate our relationships with honest communication and alluring components (passion, eroticism, unbroken attention). VERDICT Recommended for couples, therapists, religious leaders, and anyone else interested in a deep look at the meanings, devastations, and potential growth avenues from infidelity.—Jennifer M. Schlau, Elgin Community Coll., IL

Library Journal

2017-08-07
A veteran therapist's approach to thinking about extramarital affairs."Affairs have a lot to teach us about relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to," writes Perel (Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, 2006, etc.). "They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment." Using research and personal stories from her 30 years as a couples' therapist, the author dives into the world of affairs: why men and women engage in them, what many consider "innocent" behavior versus flat-out wrongdoing, the rage, jealousy, guilt, and host of other emotions that flair up once an affair is discovered, and the full recovery process, which determines whether a couple will remain together or split up. Perel examines each affair with an open attitude, trying to get to the root of why it happened and how each person involved can view the same scenario in a different light. She discusses the stigmas surrounding the words "affair" and "divorce," how the healing process has to steer away from blame and toward understanding, and how access to social media and pornography have made it far easier for people to cheat on their loved ones, sometimes while in the same room. The real-life examples and quotes from people who are working through the aftermath of a discovered affair offer insights into the sadness, betrayal, innocence, resentment, love, and denial that are part of this complex package. Perel's advice to these couples will resonate with anyone going through a similar situation, providing comfort and guidance without the need for an actual therapy session. Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples' therapist.

Kirkus Reviews